Pollonaise Pugilism
Nov 27, 2020 6:56:21 GMT -5
Post by OrochiGeese on Nov 27, 2020 6:56:21 GMT -5
(Geese's note: The single defining characteristic of Ralph "Pot Belly" Ferguson's career is almost 10 years old now.)
*We fade into the UBL Dojo on a busy day...Thanksgiving day. Well, these guys are in the ubble bubble and miss their families and friends so blowing off some tension in the ring makes sense? It certainly does when you see who the ringleader is - THRASH Ogawa, the Universal Circuit Champion.
He has just dispensed of Jean DuBreil in a scrimmage match. Jean mutters something in French and takes out a voodoo doll in his duffel bag. He tries to stick a needle in it. THRASH Ogawa sees this, gets angry, and grabs the doll. He then headbutts it repeatedly until it's in pieces. DuBreil is taken back at what, to him, constitutes some kind of death wish on the part of Ogawa. But THRASH doesn't care. He looks angry. He looks...hungry.
But he's about to meet his match. The doors swing open*
"Who-ah-gotta call to get some grub 'round here?"
*Just about everyone in the Dojo cringes as Ralph "Pot Belly" Ferguson walks in. He has a duffel bag that appears to be leaking. His usual clothes are sweatier than usual with pit stains that suggest he filled the hot tub with gravy. He looks at THRASH standing in the ring and slowly ambles over.*
[Ralph:] "I know you - THRASH Ogre-rara. You been hankerin for a good fite ever since the Goosh went soft."
*THRASH seems receptive to the surprise of everyone else.*
[THRASH:] "You want in? Let me guess, you get special powers of bravery on Thanksgiving?"
[Ralph:] "I'm Captahn Carbs and I'mma beat the stuffin out of you! Y'aint fit to scrub my pork tubbins!"
*THRASH shrugs but beckons Ralph into the ring.*
[THRASH:] "Straight to the point. I like it. We have enough warrior poets in this place. All I care about right now is that you're fat and delusional enough to hit hard. So let's do it. Yoshida!"
*UBL ref Eiji Yoshida looks over and sees THRASH motioning to his Title belt. He walks over and gets into the ring. Meanwhile, Ralph is shuffling around in his bag.*
[THRASH:] "What's the problem now? Got cold feet?"
*Ralph shows a hint of a smile but then starts taking out a headband, some napkins which he places around his forearms, and a bib for his chest.*
[Ralph:] "Ain't feet that cold. Captahn Carbs needs a prapah carstume!"
[THRASH:] "I think Captain Carbs needs a Thanksgiving prayer that he'll survive."
[Ralph:] "Imma gonna mash you inta fancy patatahs!"
*With the attention of the Dojo on them, this impromptu match for the Universal Circuit Title starts!*
Universal Circuit Championship
Match: Ralph Ferugson vs. THRASH Ogawa (c)
To everyone's surprise, Ralph actually looks competent out there against the reigning Champ! Call it a Thanksgiving miracle or the pure physical size that Ralph possesses, but he controls the first minute or two of action with close combat. Ralph uses his body as a flabby shield to absorb THRASH's punishing strikes as he continues to drive THRASH against the turnbuckles. THRASH breaks free with a headbutt...which doesn't seem to do the same damage that it usually does.
THRASH immediately senses something is off, looks angry, and knocks the headband off of Ralph's face with an open-handed slap to Ralph's jowls which sounds like tenderizing meat. THRASH picks up the headband and tosses it to Eiji who inspects it. Turns out that it was filled with 3 layers of thick beef jerky wrapped in a starched cloth napkin!!
THRASH is pissed and rushes Ralph, landing another headbutt onto the upper chest. This causes Ralph to belch so loud with acid reflux that even THRASH backs up. Ralph takes the opportunity to charge at THRASH again, run him into the turnbuckle, and then display surprising athleticism to pull back into the "Belly 2 Belly LOL Belly" finisher!
Ralph covers...but only gets a 1 count. That was demoralizing.
The Universal Circuit Champion seems unscathed throughout this and Captain Carbs resorts to something decidedly unheroic: He thumbs THRASH right in the eye!! However, rather than follow-up on the attack, Ralph appears to use this as a defensive break. He rolls outside the ring and approaches his duffel bag. Is he...is he getting a snack? He seems to have grabbed an oven mitt and put some kind of dripping raw meat product in it. He's taking it back into the ring with him.
For his part, THRASH still can't see perfectly but he is seeing red after that cowardly attack. He cocks his head back right as Ralph gets into the ring and aims it forward to spit his "THRASHES 2 ASHES" flame finisher!! However, just as he does it, Ralph uses his oven mitt to thrust the meat concoction out in front of him right into the fire!!
As the fire cooks the meat, a huge smile appears on Ralph's face and he starts to salivate. What just happened!?
[Ralph:] "Much obliged! New Yawk City ovens can't get a propah char on Beef Pollonnaise!"
Then Ralph rolls out of the ring with his ... ugh... Beef Pollonnaise, grabs his duffel bag, and runs out of the Dojo.
He'll sleep well tonight folks...
THRASH Ogawa (O) [Cook-Out - 5:30] (X) Ralph Ferguson
At this point, everyone else in the Dojo also makes a quick exit as they realize THRASH Ogawa has been cheated out of a real match for the second time in the past two months. Maybe he can vent his anger at a Black Friday sale?
*We fade into the UBL Dojo on a busy day...Thanksgiving day. Well, these guys are in the ubble bubble and miss their families and friends so blowing off some tension in the ring makes sense? It certainly does when you see who the ringleader is - THRASH Ogawa, the Universal Circuit Champion.
He has just dispensed of Jean DuBreil in a scrimmage match. Jean mutters something in French and takes out a voodoo doll in his duffel bag. He tries to stick a needle in it. THRASH Ogawa sees this, gets angry, and grabs the doll. He then headbutts it repeatedly until it's in pieces. DuBreil is taken back at what, to him, constitutes some kind of death wish on the part of Ogawa. But THRASH doesn't care. He looks angry. He looks...hungry.
But he's about to meet his match. The doors swing open*
"Who-ah-gotta call to get some grub 'round here?"
*Just about everyone in the Dojo cringes as Ralph "Pot Belly" Ferguson walks in. He has a duffel bag that appears to be leaking. His usual clothes are sweatier than usual with pit stains that suggest he filled the hot tub with gravy. He looks at THRASH standing in the ring and slowly ambles over.*
[Ralph:] "I know you - THRASH Ogre-rara. You been hankerin for a good fite ever since the Goosh went soft."
*THRASH seems receptive to the surprise of everyone else.*
[THRASH:] "You want in? Let me guess, you get special powers of bravery on Thanksgiving?"
[Ralph:] "I'm Captahn Carbs and I'mma beat the stuffin out of you! Y'aint fit to scrub my pork tubbins!"
*THRASH shrugs but beckons Ralph into the ring.*
[THRASH:] "Straight to the point. I like it. We have enough warrior poets in this place. All I care about right now is that you're fat and delusional enough to hit hard. So let's do it. Yoshida!"
*UBL ref Eiji Yoshida looks over and sees THRASH motioning to his Title belt. He walks over and gets into the ring. Meanwhile, Ralph is shuffling around in his bag.*
[THRASH:] "What's the problem now? Got cold feet?"
*Ralph shows a hint of a smile but then starts taking out a headband, some napkins which he places around his forearms, and a bib for his chest.*
[Ralph:] "Ain't feet that cold. Captahn Carbs needs a prapah carstume!"
[THRASH:] "I think Captain Carbs needs a Thanksgiving prayer that he'll survive."
[Ralph:] "Imma gonna mash you inta fancy patatahs!"
*With the attention of the Dojo on them, this impromptu match for the Universal Circuit Title starts!*
Universal Circuit Championship
Match: Ralph Ferugson vs. THRASH Ogawa (c)
To everyone's surprise, Ralph actually looks competent out there against the reigning Champ! Call it a Thanksgiving miracle or the pure physical size that Ralph possesses, but he controls the first minute or two of action with close combat. Ralph uses his body as a flabby shield to absorb THRASH's punishing strikes as he continues to drive THRASH against the turnbuckles. THRASH breaks free with a headbutt...which doesn't seem to do the same damage that it usually does.
THRASH immediately senses something is off, looks angry, and knocks the headband off of Ralph's face with an open-handed slap to Ralph's jowls which sounds like tenderizing meat. THRASH picks up the headband and tosses it to Eiji who inspects it. Turns out that it was filled with 3 layers of thick beef jerky wrapped in a starched cloth napkin!!
THRASH is pissed and rushes Ralph, landing another headbutt onto the upper chest. This causes Ralph to belch so loud with acid reflux that even THRASH backs up. Ralph takes the opportunity to charge at THRASH again, run him into the turnbuckle, and then display surprising athleticism to pull back into the "Belly 2 Belly LOL Belly" finisher!
Ralph covers...but only gets a 1 count. That was demoralizing.
The Universal Circuit Champion seems unscathed throughout this and Captain Carbs resorts to something decidedly unheroic: He thumbs THRASH right in the eye!! However, rather than follow-up on the attack, Ralph appears to use this as a defensive break. He rolls outside the ring and approaches his duffel bag. Is he...is he getting a snack? He seems to have grabbed an oven mitt and put some kind of dripping raw meat product in it. He's taking it back into the ring with him.
For his part, THRASH still can't see perfectly but he is seeing red after that cowardly attack. He cocks his head back right as Ralph gets into the ring and aims it forward to spit his "THRASHES 2 ASHES" flame finisher!! However, just as he does it, Ralph uses his oven mitt to thrust the meat concoction out in front of him right into the fire!!
As the fire cooks the meat, a huge smile appears on Ralph's face and he starts to salivate. What just happened!?
[Ralph:] "Much obliged! New Yawk City ovens can't get a propah char on Beef Pollonnaise!"
Then Ralph rolls out of the ring with his ... ugh... Beef Pollonnaise, grabs his duffel bag, and runs out of the Dojo.
He'll sleep well tonight folks...
THRASH Ogawa (O) [Cook-Out - 5:30] (X) Ralph Ferguson
At this point, everyone else in the Dojo also makes a quick exit as they realize THRASH Ogawa has been cheated out of a real match for the second time in the past two months. Maybe he can vent his anger at a Black Friday sale?