Third Dimension - July 15, 2022
Aug 23, 2022 16:04:18 GMT -5
Post by OrochiGeese on Aug 23, 2022 16:04:18 GMT -5
"The Randolph Report"
Event: "3rd Dimension”
Date Held: Friday, July 15, 2022
Date Posted: Tuesday, August 23, 2022
Location: "Peter Venkman Memorial Arena" in Westchester, New York.
[John Randolph:] “Hello and welcome back as we roll into our second show of the summer. I’m John Randolph and am quite excited to present the next show in the Dimensional tour. We have two, count’em – two, Championship matches tonight, an exciting Invitational opportunity, and much more. We’re going to get started with a Universal Circuit Championship defense.
THRASH Ogawa has defined that Title with his fighting spirit. That isn’t mere hyperbole. The literal value of that Title to THRASH is in the opportunity to defend it as many times as he can. He relishes the target that Titles places on his waist because he welcomes being the center of competitive attention. He wants to use that Title to fight everyone in and outside of the promotion.
THRASH also recently expressed to the office his desire to start as many shows as possible with a Title defense. In addition to his own impatience to fight, he wants to make sure each show starts off on the right foot to the head. He told me how tired he was of the bloated conversations that were the centerpiece of our events in the past. If other wrestlers see the Champion getting down to business in the ring, they will be more likely to do the same if they ever hope to dethrone him. In recent weeks, he has continued referring to himself as The Champion, as well. Given that all of the other singles Titles in the promotion were merged into the very much incomplete Infinite Continuum Championship League, THRASH is correct that he’s the only current reigning Champion. And he’s using this opportunity to elevate the Universal Circuit Title to the top of the promotion, regardless of who wins the Continuum League. Ironically, he’s in that very league too. If he were to win that Championship, I’m not sure which one he would value more. I assume both would be complimentary means to an end, in any case.
But before we get to that point, THRASH has to fend off the current challenger: Jasper Woodruff. We never quite know what to expect of ole Jasper. He has the power, ferocity, and gruffness to compete with anyone. He’s not someone you want to face in a bar fight, especially if the prize is some Goldschlager. But he tends to be distracted and isn’t always able to stay focused in the ring. Without the presence of Charles Langford and Kurt Sanders, both who are notably banned from intervening tonight, I’m not sure if Jasper can stay on track the entire time. However, he has legitimate reason to want to fight THRASH tonight. During the Continuum III event, THRASH appeared at the end of Jasper’s “match” with William King. Here’s a quick reminder of what happened for those exhausted after a long few years.
*The Battle-Tron turns on to show the footage*
*THRASH takes the Title off of his waist and throws it on the mat in between William and himself. King stares at it and then back at a dead serious THRASH. An injured Jasper is suddenly roused by the proximity of an actual Championship belt. He screams "GOLD!" and tries to slowly grab the title. However, he is met with a vicious downward thrusting headbutt from Ogawa that knocks him unconscious again as the crowd gasps. THRASH picks the belt up without looking at Jasper and turns back to King.*
[John:] Jasper has had a lot of time to heal from the damage done by that headbutt, and the damage done by William King’s assault of him during that match. He’s also had a lot of time to think about it and I am certain that he wants revenge. So if there was ever a time for Jasper to keep his head on straight while trying to knock THRASH’s askew, this is it. For his part, THRASH is treating this match like any other. He doesn’t care about his opponent’s motivation; he just wants to fight them. Although I do believe he has been roiled by the anti-competitive attitudes of Kurt and Charles, I don’t think he holds that against Jasper. Even though they are a unit of “3 of a Kind,” it’s clear that Jasper isn’t quite like the others. But if he has been given any type of objective or pep talk by them, THRASH needs to take that into account.
Let’s see where Jasper’s head is at, and whether it can survive the head-butting violence that our Champion is so fond of.
Universal Circuit Championship
Match 1: Jasper Woodruff vs. THRASH Ogawa (c)
*POST MATCH SPOILERS*
[John:] “You have to hand it to Jasper there. He put up one of the best fights of his career. Whether he truly wanted to win the Championship, punish THRASH on behalf of himself and “3 of a Kind,” or just woke up on the wrong side of the bedroll, he was more motivated than I’ve ever seen him. Not only did he push THRASH close to the time limit, but he scored a number of near falls. However, it was the resiliency, physicality, headbutts, and fighting spirit of THRASH that put this match away for the Champion. THRASH defends his Title yet again in what is becoming a very impressive reign.
Jasper Woodruff (X) [Super Diving Headbutt - 19:08 ] (O) THRASH Ogawa
And it looks like THRASH is also impressed at Jasper Woodruff. In a surprising show of respect toward him, given previous hostilities, Ogawa nods to Woodruff who is still struggling to get up. You’re not gonna get a handshake from THRASH so Jasper should be proud of this gesture. He’s also quite surprised and, perhaps, in his own joy overestimates just how much silliness THRASH is willing to stomach. Jasper begins slowly and achingly dancing and invites THRASH to join in. THRASH vehemently shakes his head no and gestures backstage as if to say “off ya go, you’re drunk.” Jasper shrugs his shoulders and, with some difficulty, dances his way backstage though tumbles a few times holding his head. THRASH is also holding his head but in disgust at the display. I don’t think that clouds how he felt about the match and Jasper’s efforts though as THRASH seems rather satisfied, overall.
However, that look fades shortly after.
Darius Korvin and Viktor Katona come to the ring and stare at THRASH. J.U.S.T.I.C.E. security comes out immediately, sparing us from a likely bloody altercation. For his part, I doubt that THRASH would mind a 1 on 2 fight here even after the previous match. But it’s probably for the best that this doesn’t happen. Someone’s fighting spirit can be bigger than their stomach, so to speak. Katona is no slouch when it comes to violence and Darius is a very smart fighter. He’s also the one that has a direct message to THRASH. He shouts out: “His blood is on your hands.”
I never know what that group is thinking. However, my best guess is that ‘his’ refers to Furis as a result of Ogawa’s brutal headbutt to him to end their match at 2nd Dimension. I think Darius may be blaming THRASH for something Furis did or will do, as a result. This is, of course, absolutely nauseating news to me. We all remember how Jakob Furis became Jakob of Furis as a result of multiple concussions over a short period of time. I truly hate to imagine what a further de-evolution of Furis would look like. Hopefully, I’m misinterpreting Darius. But the absence of Furis, within the context of this message, has to be a red flag to everyone in the UBL. However, it doesn’t seem to be one to THRASH who shrugs his shoulders and beckons both Darius and Viktor to the ring. We’re not going to get that donnybrook here tonight thanks to security but I’m nervous thinking how little THRASH is concerned about what the message could mean. Is THRASH so dedicated to fighting that a potentially demonic Furis doesn’t even give him a moment of pause? If so, what does that say about him? Should we be more concerned about THRASH than Furis at this point in time? The mind truly boggles in confusion and fear.
However, let’s attempt to get back into a mindset where we can pretend to enjoy ourselves and ignore the aforementioned cerebral vomiting. Now that everyone has gone backstage, we can prepare for our next match. And not only will it feature a lack of vampires, but we’re about to be introduced to six new wrestlers who come to us from Independent World Wrestling. That encompasses a group of many promotions that came together under the IWW banner. The UBL and IWW have been forging closer bonds as of late. As a result, more IWW wrestlers are invited to appear on IWW shows. That is perfect timing, given how much of our roster is currently tied up in the Continuum league. We’ve had wrestlers in the UBL from IWW before, of course. The legendary Terry Butcher, also known as WholeNothaLevel, was a co-owner and participant of the IWW. And a number of wrestlers that UBL picked up in recent co-promotional drafts came from IWW.
Tonight, we have six wrestlers from five different promotions in the IWW. Sun Dragon comes from Saturn Wrestling. Ganseki Michibata represents Pro Wrestling REVELATION. Ryuki Onitsuka is appearing courtesy of Alliance Japanese Championship Wrestling. Both Biff Barrington and Gino Atlas join us from South Atlantic Wrestling. And Drexel Duran hails from South West Championship Wrestling.
All six of them will now take part in an over-the-top Battle Royale. The winner gets a guaranteed UBL contract. As part of that contract, they can elect to enter the Basic Training program or go right to the Dimensional roster. If they go into Basic Training, they’ll be bypassing the general Front Lines division. The other competitors in this match who don’t win are still invited to participate in future matches but won’t get the privileges that UBL status offer. A free stuffed turkey each Thanksgiving is just one of those benefits, Pot Belly’s favorite, but there are far greater privileges as well.
Let’s see which one of these wrestlers prevail to co-represent UBL and IWW!
”Independent World Wrestling” Invitational
Match 2: “IWW Invitational” (c)
Sun Dragon vs. Ganseki Michibata vs. Ryuki Onitsuka vs. Biff Barrington vs. Gino Atlas vs. Drexel Duran
[John:] “Congratulations to Sun Dragon who won the match and earned the guaranteed UBL contract! He has the option to immediately join the main Dimensional roster or become the next participant in the Basic Training program. And even though Sun Dragon was the one who earn the contract, the other competitors were very impressive. I am certain that they will be invited back to compete in the future. The crowd was appreciative of everyone’s efforts.”
Winner: Sun Dragon
Order of Elimination
Ganseki Michibata – 6:30
Biff Barrington – 9:17
Gino Atlas – 12:49
Ryuki Onitsuka – 13:20
Drexel Duran – 13:47
It’s now time for intermission!
The fans are pleasantly surprised to see UBL merchandise already offered for the winner of the IWW Invitatiional. I’m guessing that “official” versions of merchandise for the other competitors are being shipped to other regions on the cheap. If you ever go to the South Pole and wonder why a polar bear is wearing a “Ganseki Michibata” shirt, now you know.
(As a professional courtesy to OG-Joshi, I always show “Coach” Jean Carter these Reports before publishing them. Jean requested that I make a “Ganseki Michibear-a” comment and pass on that polar bear idea to the merchandising team for when Ganseki eventually earns his way onto the roster.)
We have plenty of other merchandise as well. Although fans are still figuring out whether to cheer or boo Todd Colton, they clearly are excited to buy his merchandise. They also love the new branded “Todd Colton Cold-one’s” adult brewed barley beverages. As in - it’s beer. It’s really, really cold beer. You know those commercials where they show a sasquatch pissing on the Rocky Mountains and instruct you to drink that beer really cold, so you won’t mind the taste? Imagine even colder beer but with 15% less sasquatch hair. Colton insisted there still be some hair to keep people sharp though. It’s working and the fans love it. I saw Pot Belly Ferguson drink an entire six-pack after washing down a kitchen sink full of “JET packs.” What are “JET packs,” you ask? They are JET Hamada-branded sliders made out of ham and pose a real challenge to finish on 100-degree days. I guess those “Cold-one’s” saved the day, after all!
(Note from Arthur: I would question how appetizing these Reports make our food sound if I didn’t realize how monstrous the items themselves seem. You Americans and your relentless branding and nitrates.)
*An air raid siren can be heard as "War Is Coming" by Six Feet Under plays, William King coming out solo, stopping at the ramp. After a brief moment, the music would switch to "Lecher Bitch" by The Genitorturers as Kathy Queen came out with a microphone in hand, flanked by a cadre of security guards carrying billy clubs, set in place because, in Jean Carter's words, 'because Ogawa can't punch Kyle Walker all the time'. Queen seemed a bit annoyed at the escort as she and King headed into the ring, King leaning up against a turnbuckle while Kathy takes center stage.*
[Kathy Queen:] "After the OG-Joshi Anniversary show was done and in the books, Jean Carter approached me in the back and suggested that I apologize for my words at the end of my debut tag team match. And you know what, I actually do want to apologize... to THRASH Ogawa. I didn't intend on you getting involved, much less getting that pretty mouth of yours busted up. For that, I'm sorry. And if any virgin ears in CAWS got damaged from my words, well, I'm sorry if that was any factor in OG-FPD's hiatus. Since I've recently passed my bar I'd offer to help get any fines reversed but... well, I'm not licensed in New York and it would be a massive conflict of interest anyway. Then again, maybe Jean Carter is into denial play, so hey, if so then she won't mind that I don't let her get off."
*Queen gives a smirk to the camera before continuing while Luke Kisiera urges Jean not to look up "denial play" on Google.*
[Queen:] "But what I will absolutely not apologize for is what I said to Holly. See, I don't believe in apologizing for things you intended to do, and results you intended on happening. And let's be honest, even if I was sincere about it, would Holly accept? I doubt it. And really, she's the last person who should be surprised at what I said."
[Queen:] "After all, using the sharpest barb you can think of to get under someone's skin? As the old saying goes, I learned it from watching you."
*Queen lets that sink in for a minute before continuing.*
[Queen:] "You know it's funny, I wasn't even sure if those rumors were true. Gossip tends to get exaggerated. I had a hunch though. Still, I set out to do exactly what I accomplished. I found a way to get in Holly's head. And now she won't be able to focus on anything else but me. She's not the only one, but most of those just want to fuck me. Maybe she still does too, who knows. Some of you may be wondering, was my words of respect to her before all a lie? No, actually. It's because I respect her that I am willing to go this far in mindgames. And let's be honest here... can anyone, especially Holly herself, say she wouldn't have said the exact same stuff in her prime?"
[Queen:] "While I let that sink in... my King, do you have anything to add?"
*King steps forward and takes the microphone, his head lowered slightly to keep his face partially hidden by the hood he has on.*
[William King:] "They say when seeking revenge, to first dig two graves. If Geese intends to seek revenge on me or my Queen, no graves will be necessary. I will simply leave his broken corpse to rot in a ditch. See I'm not just here to support my Queen, though that is my main reason. People say I am content to be a big fish in a small pond. But I will demonstrate that no matter what body of water I hunt in I am the apex predator. When I am done here, everyone will be relieved that I only signed for limited appearances. And Kyle?"
*King takes off his hood and glares directly at the camera.*
[King:] "You don't want any of me. Because if we ever meet not only will I show you what a real deathmatch is like, but I'll get UBL banned for good in the process."
*King hands the mic back to Kathy and stands behind her.*
[Queen:] "See we call ourselves Team Crawling Chaos for a reason. Geese reveres chaos... we ARE chaos. Our first night in the ol Peter Venkman we nearly started a riot and we're just getting started. But no matter what happens on our double date, there is only one outcome... I will have you on your knees... screaming my name... as I make you my bitch."
*Queen starts to turn away, the looks back at the camera.*
[Queen:] "Just like Jo Ryder did."
*She blows a mocking kiss to the camera and the couple have a brief make-out session before they leave the ring, still escorted by security.*
[John:] “Yeesh, the temperature on our events are supposed to go down during intermission, not rise to volcanic levels. William King and Kathy Queen just issued a broadside the likes of a blazing dueling glove across the faces of the Walkers. I’m certain they will have…words in the future. I just hope those words don’t get us in legal trouble again. Come on, folks, let us wrestle in relative peace!”
Speaking of peace, what’s more calm than a long afternoon spent fishing? Nothing, if you ask Newfie George. ZIP Japan’s resident fisherman returns tonight to face Todd Colton. This will be a true challenge for Colton who is coming off an impressive victory against “Big” John Fuller. There was a size disadvantage inherent in both matches. While Colton was able to surmount the height of Fuller, he now faces the burliness of George. And that burliness of George is boat-tested. He’s looking to deliver one heck of a bass-whipping … okay, sorry, I’ll stop with the fish jokes.
What has proven to not be a joke is Colton’s resilience. Even when it looked like Fuller was about to claim victory, Todd made a huge comeback and scored the win. George is also a very robust individual as a long, successful career in ZIP Japan can attest to. He’s going to have the upper hand in power here against Colton’s speed. But what really interests me is the personality clash between the two. George is primarily all business with a side of occasional saltiness. Colton is a showboat who delights in mocking his opponents and getting under the skin of the fans. The question is whether Colton can get George off his game with shenanigans to neutralize his power and aggression. If so, Colton has a chance here. Otherwise, we may see George going home early with the catch of the day. Sorry, couldn’t resist.
Let’s get to the ring and see what’s biting!
Match 3: Newfie George vs. Todd Colton
*POST MATCH SPOILERS*
Another big comeback from Colton!! But this time, Todd survived an early onslaught from George only to take control later on. By the end of the match, it was George’s resiliency that was being tested. He was trying to build momentum off his own spirit, but Todd displayed a dazzling array of offensive creativity through near-falls, submissions, and slams. It was just too much for George to fend off.
Newfie George (X) [Wrist Clutch Exploder - 14:15 ] (O) Todd Colton
[John:] “Now we turn to the main event which features a defense of the Universal Battalion Championship by “Snakes on a Plane” against “El Exilio.” During ”ALL YOUR BASE” in December 2019, JET Hamada and Naja Mask defeated Yoshirozuna and El Pálido Fantasma for those Titles. Not only are the Titles on the line in this rematch, but personal pride is as well.
JET and Naja originally challenged them for the Titles due to Yoshirozuna ending Barton Miller’s career five months earlier. Barton is the mentor of JET and former mentor of Yoshirozuna. Tensions were high between the groups even before that injury but really came to a head after that match. As a result, Naja Mask, Barton’s long-time tag partner, joined JET to avenge him. It was Naja who won the match for his team, spitting green mist in the face of Yoshirozuna and then pinning him. For two years now, El Exilio wanted revenge for that finish. JET and Naja were also not satiated by that victory, feeling like one win couldn’t truly avenge what happened to Barton. They wanted to make sure that El Exilio weren’t in position to win the Titles again. These two teams were at each other’s throats as much as any two entities in this promotion. Everyone figured that their rematch would be absolutely explosive. But then something curious happened.
During 2nd Dimension, the two pairs of warring teams worked together with others to fend off Gauntlet: the larger and more existential threat to the UBL. Both groups had legitimate reasons to be angry at Gauntlet and want them eliminated. Not only did Gauntlet cause constant hiatuses in the UBL, leading to the delay of this match, but they threatened the promotion that both teams called their home. Even with Yoshirozuna and El Pálido Fantasma referring to themselves as “El Exilio,” it’s clear that they still cared enough about UBL to defend their home. And, in fact, it was the partially the invasion of Destiny, and later Gauntlet, that led to the “El Exilio” moniker to begin with. So while it was surprising to see Yoshirozuna and Pálido work with JET and Naja, it made sense within the greater struggle of UBL against Gauntlet. The question is, how will the two teams see each other now after their brief alliance? Are we about to see two teams that were at each other’s throats continue their clawing, or two rival teams that may have gained a kernel of respect for each other? Perhaps, it’s a combination of the two. After all, at the root of all of this, is the former alliance of JET and Yoshirozuna. They were best friends, and fellow students, under Barton’s tutelage. And while Naja and Pálido never had any pre-existing connection, the two have a lot in common as to wrestling style. Perhaps these two teams can selectively block out the past in order to smoothly move the Universal Battalion Championship to the future. In any case, we are about to watch two of the best teams that we’ve ever had in the UBL do battle with each other.”
Universal Battalion Championship
Match 4: “El Exilio” vs. “Snakes on a Plane” (c)
El Pálido Fantasma/Yoshirozuna vs. Naja Mask/JET Hamada
*POST MATCH SPOILERS*
[John:] “After one of the best tag matches that we’ve had, ‘Snakes on a Plane’ retain their Universal Battalion Championships! Representing Barton, JET Hamada got a measure of vengeance against Yoshirozuna with a devastating lariat! That is a new move that JET has been developing and he debuted it to full effect here. This is also the first time that JET or Yoshirozuna has earned a direct victory against the other in their careers and the stakes were fittingly high. Naja Mask did his part as well in this match in keeping their reign strong.
Pálido/Yoshirozuna (X) [Punching Lariat - 39:58] (O) JET Hamada/Naja Mask
Al four men remain in the ring. Once Pálido helps Yoshirozuna up, they stare at the Champions. I don’t know what is about to happen here but J.U.S.T.I.C.E. security wisely starts making their way down to the ring, flanked by Thunder Strike. Strike is actually clapping here, showing his support for the match.
JET removes his mask, slowly walks up to Yoshirozuna, and stares into his eyes. He then holds his hand out which gets the fans on their feet. Yoshirozuna makes no move. Pálido appears angry at the gesture from JET and tries to pull Yoshirozuna away. However, the sumo giant refuses to budge. He’s not moving forward to accept JET”s handshake but he isn’t moving back as Pálido wants him to. Thunder Strike then slides into the ring to break the impasse. However, he doesn’t appear to be doing it as part of his role of security chief. Rather, he marches up to Yoshirozuna and yells at him to “shake that man’s hand, soldier.” With his left hand. Yoshirozuna points to the Universal Battalion Championship belt that JET Is holding. And with his right hand, he slowly raises his hand up. But rather than open and extend his fingers, he keeps his fist up in the air. Hamada takes the hint and fist-bumps him to an eruption of cheers from the fans. Maybe this is just a show of respect for the Titles after that great match, but I don’t believe that would have happened without the unified attack on Gauntlet.
Hamada appears to be pointing to his belt and talking to Yoshirozuna. We can’t hear what they are saying due to the cheers from the fans, but Thunder Strike appears visibly surprised by it. Pálido appears angry but Yoshirozuna is still processing it. Finally, he nods in a way that suggests a reluctant understanding. Both of them then leave the ring. JET and Naja each look at this Championship belts for a while, kiss them, then hand them over to a shocked Thunder Strike!
The crowd is silenced as we all have no idea what is going on here. Did they just relinquish their Titles? Is that what they told El Exilio? Is Thunder Strike the new exclusive holder of the Titles? Well, I don’t think that is the case, though not from a lack of ability. But JET and Naja have already left the ring and are walking backstage. They are getting a mixed reaction from the crowd. Look, it’s not like they put the Titles in a flaming garbage can full of “JET packs” or anything. Naja may have not always been on his best behavior, but JET is a paragon of honor and integrity. Enough of my own speculation though. We’re gonna to have to hear this explanation from them directly to understand what is going on.
[John:] “Thank you for joining us for another stop on the Dimensional tour. We’ll be coming to you next with Continuum IV and the "Summer School” event from Basic Training. Also, please look forward to the first stop of OG-Joshi’s “After School Fun Special” tour which is right around the corner! I know how excited all of us and Coach Carter is to bring back the heart of the OG-FPD pair of promotions. Enjoy the rest of summer vacation, folks!
Event: "3rd Dimension”
Date Held: Friday, July 15, 2022
Date Posted: Tuesday, August 23, 2022
Location: "Peter Venkman Memorial Arena" in Westchester, New York.
[John Randolph:] “Hello and welcome back as we roll into our second show of the summer. I’m John Randolph and am quite excited to present the next show in the Dimensional tour. We have two, count’em – two, Championship matches tonight, an exciting Invitational opportunity, and much more. We’re going to get started with a Universal Circuit Championship defense.
THRASH Ogawa has defined that Title with his fighting spirit. That isn’t mere hyperbole. The literal value of that Title to THRASH is in the opportunity to defend it as many times as he can. He relishes the target that Titles places on his waist because he welcomes being the center of competitive attention. He wants to use that Title to fight everyone in and outside of the promotion.
THRASH also recently expressed to the office his desire to start as many shows as possible with a Title defense. In addition to his own impatience to fight, he wants to make sure each show starts off on the right foot to the head. He told me how tired he was of the bloated conversations that were the centerpiece of our events in the past. If other wrestlers see the Champion getting down to business in the ring, they will be more likely to do the same if they ever hope to dethrone him. In recent weeks, he has continued referring to himself as The Champion, as well. Given that all of the other singles Titles in the promotion were merged into the very much incomplete Infinite Continuum Championship League, THRASH is correct that he’s the only current reigning Champion. And he’s using this opportunity to elevate the Universal Circuit Title to the top of the promotion, regardless of who wins the Continuum League. Ironically, he’s in that very league too. If he were to win that Championship, I’m not sure which one he would value more. I assume both would be complimentary means to an end, in any case.
But before we get to that point, THRASH has to fend off the current challenger: Jasper Woodruff. We never quite know what to expect of ole Jasper. He has the power, ferocity, and gruffness to compete with anyone. He’s not someone you want to face in a bar fight, especially if the prize is some Goldschlager. But he tends to be distracted and isn’t always able to stay focused in the ring. Without the presence of Charles Langford and Kurt Sanders, both who are notably banned from intervening tonight, I’m not sure if Jasper can stay on track the entire time. However, he has legitimate reason to want to fight THRASH tonight. During the Continuum III event, THRASH appeared at the end of Jasper’s “match” with William King. Here’s a quick reminder of what happened for those exhausted after a long few years.
*The Battle-Tron turns on to show the footage*
*THRASH takes the Title off of his waist and throws it on the mat in between William and himself. King stares at it and then back at a dead serious THRASH. An injured Jasper is suddenly roused by the proximity of an actual Championship belt. He screams "GOLD!" and tries to slowly grab the title. However, he is met with a vicious downward thrusting headbutt from Ogawa that knocks him unconscious again as the crowd gasps. THRASH picks the belt up without looking at Jasper and turns back to King.*
[John:] Jasper has had a lot of time to heal from the damage done by that headbutt, and the damage done by William King’s assault of him during that match. He’s also had a lot of time to think about it and I am certain that he wants revenge. So if there was ever a time for Jasper to keep his head on straight while trying to knock THRASH’s askew, this is it. For his part, THRASH is treating this match like any other. He doesn’t care about his opponent’s motivation; he just wants to fight them. Although I do believe he has been roiled by the anti-competitive attitudes of Kurt and Charles, I don’t think he holds that against Jasper. Even though they are a unit of “3 of a Kind,” it’s clear that Jasper isn’t quite like the others. But if he has been given any type of objective or pep talk by them, THRASH needs to take that into account.
Let’s see where Jasper’s head is at, and whether it can survive the head-butting violence that our Champion is so fond of.
Universal Circuit Championship
Match 1: Jasper Woodruff vs. THRASH Ogawa (c)
*POST MATCH SPOILERS*
[John:] “You have to hand it to Jasper there. He put up one of the best fights of his career. Whether he truly wanted to win the Championship, punish THRASH on behalf of himself and “3 of a Kind,” or just woke up on the wrong side of the bedroll, he was more motivated than I’ve ever seen him. Not only did he push THRASH close to the time limit, but he scored a number of near falls. However, it was the resiliency, physicality, headbutts, and fighting spirit of THRASH that put this match away for the Champion. THRASH defends his Title yet again in what is becoming a very impressive reign.
Jasper Woodruff (X) [Super Diving Headbutt - 19:08 ] (O) THRASH Ogawa
And it looks like THRASH is also impressed at Jasper Woodruff. In a surprising show of respect toward him, given previous hostilities, Ogawa nods to Woodruff who is still struggling to get up. You’re not gonna get a handshake from THRASH so Jasper should be proud of this gesture. He’s also quite surprised and, perhaps, in his own joy overestimates just how much silliness THRASH is willing to stomach. Jasper begins slowly and achingly dancing and invites THRASH to join in. THRASH vehemently shakes his head no and gestures backstage as if to say “off ya go, you’re drunk.” Jasper shrugs his shoulders and, with some difficulty, dances his way backstage though tumbles a few times holding his head. THRASH is also holding his head but in disgust at the display. I don’t think that clouds how he felt about the match and Jasper’s efforts though as THRASH seems rather satisfied, overall.
However, that look fades shortly after.
Darius Korvin and Viktor Katona come to the ring and stare at THRASH. J.U.S.T.I.C.E. security comes out immediately, sparing us from a likely bloody altercation. For his part, I doubt that THRASH would mind a 1 on 2 fight here even after the previous match. But it’s probably for the best that this doesn’t happen. Someone’s fighting spirit can be bigger than their stomach, so to speak. Katona is no slouch when it comes to violence and Darius is a very smart fighter. He’s also the one that has a direct message to THRASH. He shouts out: “His blood is on your hands.”
I never know what that group is thinking. However, my best guess is that ‘his’ refers to Furis as a result of Ogawa’s brutal headbutt to him to end their match at 2nd Dimension. I think Darius may be blaming THRASH for something Furis did or will do, as a result. This is, of course, absolutely nauseating news to me. We all remember how Jakob Furis became Jakob of Furis as a result of multiple concussions over a short period of time. I truly hate to imagine what a further de-evolution of Furis would look like. Hopefully, I’m misinterpreting Darius. But the absence of Furis, within the context of this message, has to be a red flag to everyone in the UBL. However, it doesn’t seem to be one to THRASH who shrugs his shoulders and beckons both Darius and Viktor to the ring. We’re not going to get that donnybrook here tonight thanks to security but I’m nervous thinking how little THRASH is concerned about what the message could mean. Is THRASH so dedicated to fighting that a potentially demonic Furis doesn’t even give him a moment of pause? If so, what does that say about him? Should we be more concerned about THRASH than Furis at this point in time? The mind truly boggles in confusion and fear.
However, let’s attempt to get back into a mindset where we can pretend to enjoy ourselves and ignore the aforementioned cerebral vomiting. Now that everyone has gone backstage, we can prepare for our next match. And not only will it feature a lack of vampires, but we’re about to be introduced to six new wrestlers who come to us from Independent World Wrestling. That encompasses a group of many promotions that came together under the IWW banner. The UBL and IWW have been forging closer bonds as of late. As a result, more IWW wrestlers are invited to appear on IWW shows. That is perfect timing, given how much of our roster is currently tied up in the Continuum league. We’ve had wrestlers in the UBL from IWW before, of course. The legendary Terry Butcher, also known as WholeNothaLevel, was a co-owner and participant of the IWW. And a number of wrestlers that UBL picked up in recent co-promotional drafts came from IWW.
Tonight, we have six wrestlers from five different promotions in the IWW. Sun Dragon comes from Saturn Wrestling. Ganseki Michibata represents Pro Wrestling REVELATION. Ryuki Onitsuka is appearing courtesy of Alliance Japanese Championship Wrestling. Both Biff Barrington and Gino Atlas join us from South Atlantic Wrestling. And Drexel Duran hails from South West Championship Wrestling.
All six of them will now take part in an over-the-top Battle Royale. The winner gets a guaranteed UBL contract. As part of that contract, they can elect to enter the Basic Training program or go right to the Dimensional roster. If they go into Basic Training, they’ll be bypassing the general Front Lines division. The other competitors in this match who don’t win are still invited to participate in future matches but won’t get the privileges that UBL status offer. A free stuffed turkey each Thanksgiving is just one of those benefits, Pot Belly’s favorite, but there are far greater privileges as well.
Let’s see which one of these wrestlers prevail to co-represent UBL and IWW!
”Independent World Wrestling” Invitational
Match 2: “IWW Invitational” (c)
Sun Dragon vs. Ganseki Michibata vs. Ryuki Onitsuka vs. Biff Barrington vs. Gino Atlas vs. Drexel Duran
[John:] “Congratulations to Sun Dragon who won the match and earned the guaranteed UBL contract! He has the option to immediately join the main Dimensional roster or become the next participant in the Basic Training program. And even though Sun Dragon was the one who earn the contract, the other competitors were very impressive. I am certain that they will be invited back to compete in the future. The crowd was appreciative of everyone’s efforts.”
Winner: Sun Dragon
Order of Elimination
Ganseki Michibata – 6:30
Biff Barrington – 9:17
Gino Atlas – 12:49
Ryuki Onitsuka – 13:20
Drexel Duran – 13:47
It’s now time for intermission!
The fans are pleasantly surprised to see UBL merchandise already offered for the winner of the IWW Invitatiional. I’m guessing that “official” versions of merchandise for the other competitors are being shipped to other regions on the cheap. If you ever go to the South Pole and wonder why a polar bear is wearing a “Ganseki Michibata” shirt, now you know.
(As a professional courtesy to OG-Joshi, I always show “Coach” Jean Carter these Reports before publishing them. Jean requested that I make a “Ganseki Michibear-a” comment and pass on that polar bear idea to the merchandising team for when Ganseki eventually earns his way onto the roster.)
We have plenty of other merchandise as well. Although fans are still figuring out whether to cheer or boo Todd Colton, they clearly are excited to buy his merchandise. They also love the new branded “Todd Colton Cold-one’s” adult brewed barley beverages. As in - it’s beer. It’s really, really cold beer. You know those commercials where they show a sasquatch pissing on the Rocky Mountains and instruct you to drink that beer really cold, so you won’t mind the taste? Imagine even colder beer but with 15% less sasquatch hair. Colton insisted there still be some hair to keep people sharp though. It’s working and the fans love it. I saw Pot Belly Ferguson drink an entire six-pack after washing down a kitchen sink full of “JET packs.” What are “JET packs,” you ask? They are JET Hamada-branded sliders made out of ham and pose a real challenge to finish on 100-degree days. I guess those “Cold-one’s” saved the day, after all!
(Note from Arthur: I would question how appetizing these Reports make our food sound if I didn’t realize how monstrous the items themselves seem. You Americans and your relentless branding and nitrates.)
*An air raid siren can be heard as "War Is Coming" by Six Feet Under plays, William King coming out solo, stopping at the ramp. After a brief moment, the music would switch to "Lecher Bitch" by The Genitorturers as Kathy Queen came out with a microphone in hand, flanked by a cadre of security guards carrying billy clubs, set in place because, in Jean Carter's words, 'because Ogawa can't punch Kyle Walker all the time'. Queen seemed a bit annoyed at the escort as she and King headed into the ring, King leaning up against a turnbuckle while Kathy takes center stage.*
[Kathy Queen:] "After the OG-Joshi Anniversary show was done and in the books, Jean Carter approached me in the back and suggested that I apologize for my words at the end of my debut tag team match. And you know what, I actually do want to apologize... to THRASH Ogawa. I didn't intend on you getting involved, much less getting that pretty mouth of yours busted up. For that, I'm sorry. And if any virgin ears in CAWS got damaged from my words, well, I'm sorry if that was any factor in OG-FPD's hiatus. Since I've recently passed my bar I'd offer to help get any fines reversed but... well, I'm not licensed in New York and it would be a massive conflict of interest anyway. Then again, maybe Jean Carter is into denial play, so hey, if so then she won't mind that I don't let her get off."
*Queen gives a smirk to the camera before continuing while Luke Kisiera urges Jean not to look up "denial play" on Google.*
[Queen:] "But what I will absolutely not apologize for is what I said to Holly. See, I don't believe in apologizing for things you intended to do, and results you intended on happening. And let's be honest, even if I was sincere about it, would Holly accept? I doubt it. And really, she's the last person who should be surprised at what I said."
[Queen:] "After all, using the sharpest barb you can think of to get under someone's skin? As the old saying goes, I learned it from watching you."
*Queen lets that sink in for a minute before continuing.*
[Queen:] "You know it's funny, I wasn't even sure if those rumors were true. Gossip tends to get exaggerated. I had a hunch though. Still, I set out to do exactly what I accomplished. I found a way to get in Holly's head. And now she won't be able to focus on anything else but me. She's not the only one, but most of those just want to fuck me. Maybe she still does too, who knows. Some of you may be wondering, was my words of respect to her before all a lie? No, actually. It's because I respect her that I am willing to go this far in mindgames. And let's be honest here... can anyone, especially Holly herself, say she wouldn't have said the exact same stuff in her prime?"
[Queen:] "While I let that sink in... my King, do you have anything to add?"
*King steps forward and takes the microphone, his head lowered slightly to keep his face partially hidden by the hood he has on.*
[William King:] "They say when seeking revenge, to first dig two graves. If Geese intends to seek revenge on me or my Queen, no graves will be necessary. I will simply leave his broken corpse to rot in a ditch. See I'm not just here to support my Queen, though that is my main reason. People say I am content to be a big fish in a small pond. But I will demonstrate that no matter what body of water I hunt in I am the apex predator. When I am done here, everyone will be relieved that I only signed for limited appearances. And Kyle?"
*King takes off his hood and glares directly at the camera.*
[King:] "You don't want any of me. Because if we ever meet not only will I show you what a real deathmatch is like, but I'll get UBL banned for good in the process."
*King hands the mic back to Kathy and stands behind her.*
[Queen:] "See we call ourselves Team Crawling Chaos for a reason. Geese reveres chaos... we ARE chaos. Our first night in the ol Peter Venkman we nearly started a riot and we're just getting started. But no matter what happens on our double date, there is only one outcome... I will have you on your knees... screaming my name... as I make you my bitch."
*Queen starts to turn away, the looks back at the camera.*
[Queen:] "Just like Jo Ryder did."
*She blows a mocking kiss to the camera and the couple have a brief make-out session before they leave the ring, still escorted by security.*
[John:] “Yeesh, the temperature on our events are supposed to go down during intermission, not rise to volcanic levels. William King and Kathy Queen just issued a broadside the likes of a blazing dueling glove across the faces of the Walkers. I’m certain they will have…words in the future. I just hope those words don’t get us in legal trouble again. Come on, folks, let us wrestle in relative peace!”
Speaking of peace, what’s more calm than a long afternoon spent fishing? Nothing, if you ask Newfie George. ZIP Japan’s resident fisherman returns tonight to face Todd Colton. This will be a true challenge for Colton who is coming off an impressive victory against “Big” John Fuller. There was a size disadvantage inherent in both matches. While Colton was able to surmount the height of Fuller, he now faces the burliness of George. And that burliness of George is boat-tested. He’s looking to deliver one heck of a bass-whipping … okay, sorry, I’ll stop with the fish jokes.
What has proven to not be a joke is Colton’s resilience. Even when it looked like Fuller was about to claim victory, Todd made a huge comeback and scored the win. George is also a very robust individual as a long, successful career in ZIP Japan can attest to. He’s going to have the upper hand in power here against Colton’s speed. But what really interests me is the personality clash between the two. George is primarily all business with a side of occasional saltiness. Colton is a showboat who delights in mocking his opponents and getting under the skin of the fans. The question is whether Colton can get George off his game with shenanigans to neutralize his power and aggression. If so, Colton has a chance here. Otherwise, we may see George going home early with the catch of the day. Sorry, couldn’t resist.
Let’s get to the ring and see what’s biting!
Match 3: Newfie George vs. Todd Colton
*POST MATCH SPOILERS*
Another big comeback from Colton!! But this time, Todd survived an early onslaught from George only to take control later on. By the end of the match, it was George’s resiliency that was being tested. He was trying to build momentum off his own spirit, but Todd displayed a dazzling array of offensive creativity through near-falls, submissions, and slams. It was just too much for George to fend off.
Newfie George (X) [Wrist Clutch Exploder - 14:15 ] (O) Todd Colton
[John:] “Now we turn to the main event which features a defense of the Universal Battalion Championship by “Snakes on a Plane” against “El Exilio.” During ”ALL YOUR BASE” in December 2019, JET Hamada and Naja Mask defeated Yoshirozuna and El Pálido Fantasma for those Titles. Not only are the Titles on the line in this rematch, but personal pride is as well.
JET and Naja originally challenged them for the Titles due to Yoshirozuna ending Barton Miller’s career five months earlier. Barton is the mentor of JET and former mentor of Yoshirozuna. Tensions were high between the groups even before that injury but really came to a head after that match. As a result, Naja Mask, Barton’s long-time tag partner, joined JET to avenge him. It was Naja who won the match for his team, spitting green mist in the face of Yoshirozuna and then pinning him. For two years now, El Exilio wanted revenge for that finish. JET and Naja were also not satiated by that victory, feeling like one win couldn’t truly avenge what happened to Barton. They wanted to make sure that El Exilio weren’t in position to win the Titles again. These two teams were at each other’s throats as much as any two entities in this promotion. Everyone figured that their rematch would be absolutely explosive. But then something curious happened.
During 2nd Dimension, the two pairs of warring teams worked together with others to fend off Gauntlet: the larger and more existential threat to the UBL. Both groups had legitimate reasons to be angry at Gauntlet and want them eliminated. Not only did Gauntlet cause constant hiatuses in the UBL, leading to the delay of this match, but they threatened the promotion that both teams called their home. Even with Yoshirozuna and El Pálido Fantasma referring to themselves as “El Exilio,” it’s clear that they still cared enough about UBL to defend their home. And, in fact, it was the partially the invasion of Destiny, and later Gauntlet, that led to the “El Exilio” moniker to begin with. So while it was surprising to see Yoshirozuna and Pálido work with JET and Naja, it made sense within the greater struggle of UBL against Gauntlet. The question is, how will the two teams see each other now after their brief alliance? Are we about to see two teams that were at each other’s throats continue their clawing, or two rival teams that may have gained a kernel of respect for each other? Perhaps, it’s a combination of the two. After all, at the root of all of this, is the former alliance of JET and Yoshirozuna. They were best friends, and fellow students, under Barton’s tutelage. And while Naja and Pálido never had any pre-existing connection, the two have a lot in common as to wrestling style. Perhaps these two teams can selectively block out the past in order to smoothly move the Universal Battalion Championship to the future. In any case, we are about to watch two of the best teams that we’ve ever had in the UBL do battle with each other.”
Universal Battalion Championship
Match 4: “El Exilio” vs. “Snakes on a Plane” (c)
El Pálido Fantasma/Yoshirozuna vs. Naja Mask/JET Hamada
*POST MATCH SPOILERS*
[John:] “After one of the best tag matches that we’ve had, ‘Snakes on a Plane’ retain their Universal Battalion Championships! Representing Barton, JET Hamada got a measure of vengeance against Yoshirozuna with a devastating lariat! That is a new move that JET has been developing and he debuted it to full effect here. This is also the first time that JET or Yoshirozuna has earned a direct victory against the other in their careers and the stakes were fittingly high. Naja Mask did his part as well in this match in keeping their reign strong.
Pálido/Yoshirozuna (X) [Punching Lariat - 39:58] (O) JET Hamada/Naja Mask
Al four men remain in the ring. Once Pálido helps Yoshirozuna up, they stare at the Champions. I don’t know what is about to happen here but J.U.S.T.I.C.E. security wisely starts making their way down to the ring, flanked by Thunder Strike. Strike is actually clapping here, showing his support for the match.
JET removes his mask, slowly walks up to Yoshirozuna, and stares into his eyes. He then holds his hand out which gets the fans on their feet. Yoshirozuna makes no move. Pálido appears angry at the gesture from JET and tries to pull Yoshirozuna away. However, the sumo giant refuses to budge. He’s not moving forward to accept JET”s handshake but he isn’t moving back as Pálido wants him to. Thunder Strike then slides into the ring to break the impasse. However, he doesn’t appear to be doing it as part of his role of security chief. Rather, he marches up to Yoshirozuna and yells at him to “shake that man’s hand, soldier.” With his left hand. Yoshirozuna points to the Universal Battalion Championship belt that JET Is holding. And with his right hand, he slowly raises his hand up. But rather than open and extend his fingers, he keeps his fist up in the air. Hamada takes the hint and fist-bumps him to an eruption of cheers from the fans. Maybe this is just a show of respect for the Titles after that great match, but I don’t believe that would have happened without the unified attack on Gauntlet.
Hamada appears to be pointing to his belt and talking to Yoshirozuna. We can’t hear what they are saying due to the cheers from the fans, but Thunder Strike appears visibly surprised by it. Pálido appears angry but Yoshirozuna is still processing it. Finally, he nods in a way that suggests a reluctant understanding. Both of them then leave the ring. JET and Naja each look at this Championship belts for a while, kiss them, then hand them over to a shocked Thunder Strike!
The crowd is silenced as we all have no idea what is going on here. Did they just relinquish their Titles? Is that what they told El Exilio? Is Thunder Strike the new exclusive holder of the Titles? Well, I don’t think that is the case, though not from a lack of ability. But JET and Naja have already left the ring and are walking backstage. They are getting a mixed reaction from the crowd. Look, it’s not like they put the Titles in a flaming garbage can full of “JET packs” or anything. Naja may have not always been on his best behavior, but JET is a paragon of honor and integrity. Enough of my own speculation though. We’re gonna to have to hear this explanation from them directly to understand what is going on.
[John:] “Thank you for joining us for another stop on the Dimensional tour. We’ll be coming to you next with Continuum IV and the "Summer School” event from Basic Training. Also, please look forward to the first stop of OG-Joshi’s “After School Fun Special” tour which is right around the corner! I know how excited all of us and Coach Carter is to bring back the heart of the OG-FPD pair of promotions. Enjoy the rest of summer vacation, folks!