Finders, Kuipers

[OrochiGeese]

Event: "Finders, Kuipers"

Date Held: Saturday, June 10, 2023.

Report Posted: Friday, November 3, 2023.

Location: Georges Lemaître Memorial Arena in Westchester, New York.


This is John Randolph and we're kicking off our "Big Rip" Tour with our first event: "Finders, Kuipers." UBL is full of surprises these days and a new Championship will be crowned tonight! Cosmic K*I*D has ordained that the "Kuiper's Belt" be ordained in trios tag action! That will be coming to you later along with one other Championship match.

Our first encounter tonight is between the god of thunder, Brandr Hoff, vs. the chaotic trickster god known as Lokurt Sanders. These two have been feuding on and off again for a long time and matters seemed resolved. However, Brandr recently took exception to Lokurt claiming to be the most dominant deity in the UBL and this challenge was issued.

Shenanigans occurred, of course. Brandr came out to the ring first and awaited his challenger. When Lokurt came down, he was wearing a large cloak. The cloak fell off, revealing three monkeys standing on top of each other's shoulders. I can only assume it's monkeys all the way down. By the time a look of righteous indignation made its way to Brandr's face, Lokurt attacked him from behind. He was under the ring just waiting for his devious plan to work.


Match 1 - Brandr Hoff vs. Lokurt Sanders

Lokurt took advantage of the situation and began to work over Brandr's arm. The strategy was clearly to weaken Brandr's "Valhal-lariat" and it appeared to be working. Brandr tried to shrug Lokurt off but it was harder for him to use his strength as it whittled away. Brandr was able to power himself free and muster some offense on a few occasions but Kurt's early dominance was too hard to counteract for very long. Sanders found repeated ways to ground Brandr and drain the god of his Mjolnir-wielding strength while mocking him.

However, Lokurt did what a trickster god is wont to do - he played himself. He called for the monkeys to join him in the ring for a quick dance meant to further humiliate his opponent. In doing so, he clearly forgot that he never trained the monkeys to do anything besides stand on each other's shoulders. The ring got...messy and this caused Lokurt to begin to comedically slip. He started falling backward - right into the full nelson grasp of Brandr!!

Hoff knew that he only had one shot at this. Within the grip, Brandr headbutted Lokurt to weaken his defense, lifted him into the air and then drove him hard right back down to earth with the "Bifröst" - a bridging Norse Suplex. The surprise of the entire situation mixed with the considerable remaining power of Brandr earned him the surprising victory!

Brandr Hoff (O) ["Bifröst" - 12:15] (X) Kurt Sanders


Brandr wins an unorthodox style match and shouts at Lokurt to act like a god. I think Brandr is angry, but he's also disappointed. And I think we all are. That ring mat cost a lot and nothing gets out monkey. 

*We come back twenty minutes later...again.*

During the break, Lokurt walked out of the arena but could not collect his monkeys. The reason? SCUMM Mask beat him to it. I don't know why but SCUMM lured the monkeys using a large banana picker and led them backstage. This means trouble.  However, the good news is that we have a new mat for our next match.

This is a curious meeting of two wrestlers who have never faced each other before. On one side, we have Bolt: one of the longest tenured members of the UBL roster. This is a man who arguably had his career peak around 2000 but has remained here hoping to build a legacy. Even though his body appears to have slowed down, he still wrestles the way he used to with an eclectic mix of martial arts, high-flying maneuvers, and dangerous suplexes that target the head and neck. He also still wears the same attire as when he debuted.




His opponent for the night is Kyle Walker, a former professional baseball player who got thrown out of the big leagues for violence and unsportsmanlike conduct. He has unsuccessfully tried converting his talent on the baseball diamond to success in the squared-circle. However, his rage has come across quite clearly. He usually carries with him a baseball bat and has used it in previous matches, behind the back of the referees. This is a dangerous man.

(No picture - it's Kyle Walker in a baseball outfit. Let your imagination run free!)


Truthfully, I don't understand the significance of this encounter. Perhaps Bolt - the quasi-superhero - is expected to stop Kyle's streak of violence? Cosmic K*I*D evidently thinks this is an important match as he has come out to ringside and taken a front row seat. He appears to be holding a locked silver attaché case of sorts that is handcuffed to his arm.

Bolt comes down to the ring and slowly looks at K*I*D - perhaps to gleam why either of them is here right now and what the point of this match is. Or maybe he just wants assurance the monkey refuse was cleaned up.

Kyle is out next and seems to take no notice of K*I*D except to swing his baseball bat hard against the nearby crowd divider. K*I*D doesn't seem to like that as he stands up to make his presence known. Kyle smirks, drops the bat on the floor, and rolls into the ring. Kyle once spit in the face of the baseball commissioner so we know he doesn't care about authority. But K*I*D actually has the firepower to put down a rebellion. However, seemingly more concerned with his reasons for being here, K*I*D sits down to watch the match.


Match 2 - Bolt vs. Kyle Walker

Bolt and Kyle take their time to size each other up. Bolt's style relies on speed but he clearly is not as agile as his opponent here. Kyle is still inexperienced in this sport but you wouldn't know it from his confidence level. However, there appears to be a trace of apathy on his face - as if he doesn't really have any reason to do to Bolt what he's done to others.

There is a hesitancy there that you can see in Bolt's mannerisms too. He's usually much more aggressive to start a match. Tonight he's circling around more and hanging back - waiting for Kyle to come to him. Kyle does eventually do so, but doesn't get very far. Every attempt at offense gets snuffed by a Bolt counter. However, Bolt doesn't follow-up on anything.

K*I*D looks very impatient on the outside. He suddenly opens the attaché case and pulls out the Space-Time Continuum title belt!! Wow, is he going to challenge these two to a match?  No, he's going to start tearing at the belt. I didn't get it at first. But it seems as if every time he tore a part of the belt, Bolt and Kyle became more aggressive with each other. Apparently this belt has the power to do that? I don't know but this isn't just a correlation. Once the match became fierce enough for K*I*D's tastes, he stopped tearing and sits back to watch.

Despite Kyle's speed and aggression, Bolt's experience and wrestling ability allows him to take control of the match. He lands a DDT and then goes up to the top for a moonsault!! He shouldn't be doing those at his age but he still manages to land it for a 2 count. Next, he hoists Kyle up for a "Shock Hammer" (Death Valley Driver) ...wait, Bolt hesitates.

Why isn't he finishing the move? K*I*D lets out a growl from the seats and tears the belt again. Bolt snaps back into a competitive mindset and is about to transition the DVD into the turnbuckle but Kyle elbows him in the head then slides out. That could have been bad for Kyle. Kyle then hits a rolling elbow, sending Bolt into the corner. He begins climbing the turnbuckle and it looks like he's setting up for the "Slide into Home" (Cattle Branding). Kyle has it locked but he hesitates as well. I've never seen Kyle do that before. K*I*D gets on his feet and tears the belt. Kyle hits the move right afterward!! However, he only gets a 2 count. Kyle looks frustrated as that move usually wins him matches.

He also looks angry at K*I*D as he senses he's in control of his free will. Kyle starts shouting at him but K*I*D tears the belt again. This causes Bolt to sneak up on Kyle and hit the "Flash Through Sky" (Throwing German Suplex). Kyle lands hard on his upper shoulders. He was able to maneuver himself in the air just enough to avoid landing on his neck but that was still a rough landing. Bolt goes for the pin but only gets a 2.9. Folks, this match is really taking its toll on both men.

K*I*D is raising his arms in celebration but I don't think he's rooting for either one of these competitors. He points to Bolt and yells "Finish it!" then tears the belt some more. Bolt hoists Kyle up on his shoulders like an inverted version of the Shock Hammer. No...this can't be. It's the set-up for the "Air Shock Hammer" (Burning Hammer) which is Bolt's deadliest move. Kyle is still reeling from the throwing german suplex and can't counter his way out of this. But Bolt seems to be deliberately slowing down his movement to avoid the next part.

K*I*D is screaming at him to "drop the hammer" but Bolt is not complying. K*I*D is ripping the belt almost all the way across but is trying not to complete it. Bolt is still not complying and has actually rolled Kyle off his shoulders onto the mat. Bolt slowly, very slowly, removes his own mask and starts to stare down K*I*D. I've never seen this man's face before but singed into it is the most amount of rage I've ever seen. But then he turns his attention to Kyle and is actually checking on him to make sure he is okay. K*I*D shouts a large expletive and immediately tears the belt fully in half.

*Technical difficulties occur as a blinding white light fries the cameras. A minute later, the feed is back.*

Well folks, I can't decipher what we just saw. But after K*I*D tore the belt in half, a maskless Bolt started muttering to himself about stocks and walked backstage. I have no idea why his mind went to Wall Street but his body clearly was counted out since the match was still active. Kyle Walker seems confused but satisfied with the win.

Bolt (X) [Count Out - 15:45] (O) Kyle Walker


Of note, Cosmic K*I*D stormed out as the ref was raising Kyle's hand. I don't know what his intentions were for this match but it's safe to say they were not fully met. In fact, I thought he was going to be here now to formally present the new Championship but that no longer appears to be the plan. Something definitely got stuck up his cosmic craw.


We're joined next by the fully assembled Matsuki MECH team of Tetsu Gushiken, Kazuo Saji, and RYOMA.

SPOILER: Click to show

They have come out to the arena in a combined three-person mech suit that is quite the sight to behold.

Maybe Bolt can join them one day so they can form Boltron?

(Did we just get sued? Rip that belt again, K*I*D).


Matsuki MECH members have had success individually but definitely perform best in team matches. Tetsu is coming off that frustrating loss to SCUMM Mask at Æther. Kazuo has come close to the Starlight Championship held by JET Hamada but can't quite flip the switch on that title win. And RYOMA has come asymptotically close to the Space-Time Continuum Championship and the Westchester Warrior of the Week title. All three of these cadets are on the cusp of super stardom and tonight they hope to strap a rocket on their collective backs by becoming the first holders of the Kuiper's Belt.

Their opponents have also come frustratingly close to success - and that frustrating part is shared by those watching them get close at all. Charles Langford and Jasper Woodruff continue their morale crusade to aggressively lecture everyone about the vices of gambling and drinking. They really suck the air out of any room. Tonight they have enlisted a third member to help them win this Championship. Ralph Ferguson is a social media influencer who lectures people about healthy eating. He actually uses other food videos on his channel and shames the people who make them for daring to enjoy their food. If I sound cross, it's because he so badly shamed a channel I was watching on BBQ that they shut down.


Match 3 - Proinhibition vs. Matsuki MECH

Kuiper's Belt Championship

Charles Langford/Jasper Woodruff/Ralph Ferguson vs. Tetsu Gushiken/Kazuo Saji/RYOMA

Tetsu Gushiken gets us started against Charles Langford. These two seem to really dislike each other and I can't exactly recall why. Perhaps Charles thinks Tetsu's robo gear represents excess and Tetsu thinks Charles is just a bore?

In any case, Tetsu wows us with his style of robotechnical wrestling. Langford has no answer whatsoever to Tetsu's blend of submissions and strikes. Langford tags out to Ferguson and suddenly Tetsu has no answer to Ralph's blend of healthy herbs and spices. Ralph actually brought some spices with him to the ring and they are overpowering everyone's olfactory senses. Is this legal? Can Karla from CATCH! Army drag a New York State Athletic Commission representative out here to render a ruling? Legal or not, it was effective. Tetsu had a sneezing fit and Ralph dumped him outside the ring.

Apparently this belt operates under Lightspeed (Lucha Libre) rules because Kazuo Saji just became the new legal man. He is peppering (not literally this time) Ralph with shoteis to the face. Jasper is screaming that these are illegal blows but they are open palms so I don't see the issue here. Saji looks at Jasper and shrugs his shoulders. This gives Ralph just enough time to knee him in the stomach and make the tag. Jasper rails on Saji with clubbering forearms while screaming about decaying morals in space. Where he's getting his evidence from, I don't know. But Saji doesn't appreciate it and kicks Jasper right in the face with a roundhouse kick! You could hear the clap of the boot on flesh very loud in the empty arena.

Jasper doesn't go down though so Saji tags out to RYOMA who immediately hammers Jasper with a lariat! This sends Jasper outside the ring and Charles is the legal man again. But he wants no part of RYOMA and tags Ralph back in. Ferguson comes in with a head of steam...yes, he was literally steaming vegetables on the outside of the ring. Ralph brought the colander into the ring with him and runs after RYOMA. RYOMA is enmeshed in the steam and Ralph begins to wrap his arms around RYOMA's neck to apply the "Colander Clutch". However, RYOMA is able to break out of it. It appears he was more impervious to the steam than Ralph realized due to RYOMA's time living on the face of the sun.

Ralph is stunned at RYOMA's resilience which opens him up to RYOMA''s own arm-wrapping technique leading to the "Macross-arm Suplex". With Jasper on the ground and Charles cowering, there is no one to help Ralph escape the pinfall.

Charles/Jasper/Ralph (X) "Macross-arm Suplex"- 27:30] (O) RYOMA/Kazuo/Tetsu


We have new and our first Kuiper Belt Champions: Matsuki MECH!!

Proinhibition is furious at this turn of events but they have no one to blame but themselves. I doubt they'll point their accusatory fingers at themselves with the same intensity they do to others.

If anyone wants to boil up a vegetable medley, the ring is ready for it. The spices and steam have created a nice smelling environment which the ring crew needs to change again.

*We come back twenty minutes later...again.*


Our main event features Corey O'Brian defending his "Westchester Warrior of the Week" Title against a very dangerous competitor. We have followed the rise of Jakob from Furis over the years. The "Duke of Densus" comes to us from Romania and has seemingly limitless wealth and influence. He also has a preternatural resiliency and a strong grounding in technical wrestling. When that isn't enough to finish matches and get his way, he displays a wrathful mean streak which many wrestlers have fallen victim to as of late.

The question is whether that mean streak will even be enough against the barbarian warlord Corey O'Brian. Last week we watched as Corey weathered the storm of Matt Rivers. This competition made him even hungrier and I know he awaits the challenge that Furis brings. When I asked him about unsubstantiated rumors that there may be more to the very fair-skinned Furis than meets the eye, Corey didn't respond. But I did detect the kind of smirk that suggested Corey hoped the rumors were true.

Vlad, the personal violinist of Jakob, comes out first. He begins a rousing rendition of "Dies Irae" which accompanies Furis to the ring.



"Where Silent Gods Stand Guard" by Amon Amarth plays on the speakers and Corey O'Brian comes out with his usual assortment of weaponry. He makes a point of aiming his bow near Jakob's heart. Let's not jump to conclusions. I mean, that would kill anything, right? Furis doesn't appreciate this and takes a different kind of bow from Vlad's violin. He aims it at Corey with a sarcastic look on his face. Well, that's all we need for fisticuffs!


Match 4 - Jakob from Furis vs. Corey O'Brian (c)

UBL "Westchester Warrior of the Week" Title

Corey doesn't like to be mocked and charges the ring, easily tackling Furis with a double leg takedown. Corey rains bloody elbows down until Furis is able to grab the ropes. Corey lays in a few extra to the ribs before breaking the hold. He stands up, looking proud of his handiwork. Furis' face got more color than we've seen in a while. However, he doesn't seem to be as worse for the wear as one would expect. That resiliency is on display here early.

Furis uses his hand to wipe some of the blood off his face. He tastes some of it and smiles, then gathers more on his hands. He attempts a 360 chop but Corey easily dodges. However, some of the blood from Jakob's hand manages to make its way onto Corey's face: temporarily blinding him. It seems Furis had a back-up plan. From this point, Furis actually took control of the match for a few minutes. He was able to keep Corey on the mat while stretching him with a bridging indian deathlock. Corey powered out of it but Furis was right on top of him with an assortment of tightly applied holds now targeting Corey's neck and arms.

Furis picked Corey up and hit him with five quick kesagiri chops. He punctuated them with yet another attempt at a 360 chop but Corey blocked it then flattened him with the "Red Right Hand." That was a momentum stopper against Rivers and worked just as well here. Corey then took over with authority. He tortured Furis with the "Ban Sidhe Special" (Hydrangea) before transitioning it into "Cu Culhann's Wrath" (Orienteering with Napalm Death). This looked seriously brutal and Furis was turning paler than usual. Furis is strong though, and powered his way to the ropes yet again. His reward was getting hit by a brutal "Samhain" (Death Note) for a close 2.9 count. I was actually impressed Furis kicked out of this.

Furis surprised Corey with a quick chinbreaker as they both got back up. He finally landed his 360 chop for a 2 count. Then he hit two "Dracul Drivers" (Half-Nelson Suplex) in a row!! The second one got a 2.9. He hit a third one but, rather than pin again, he transitioned it into "Densus Dreams" (Anaconda Vice). Corey actually looked like he was in a bit of trouble here as his eyes started looking groggy. He was right in the middle of the ring and Furis had that move locked tight. However, Corey started subtly rocking his body toward the side that Furis wasn't on. This disrupted Jakob's concentration and balance just enough for Corey to seize the opportunity to suddenly power his way out of the hold and into a pin attempt!

Furis may have thought this to be an accident, a remnant of Corey's strength triggering like a spasm after reaching unconsciousness. He didn't realize Corey had his wits back and Furis made the mistake of attempting a double leg takedown. But Corey saw it coming and dropped a knee right down on the back of Jakob's head, then lifted him into suplex position. No, wait, that's no suplex. That's a "Ban Sidhe Buster" (Muscle Buster)! And that is the match.

Jakob from Furis (X) ["Ban Sidhe Buster" - 18:35] (O) Corey O'Brian


Wow, that was a very hard fought battle won by Corey. Although this match ended sooner, Furis tested him in ways that Rivers didn't. Of course, the result was the same. So now the only thing in question is which restaurant will provide Corey's free meal tonight?

Corey may be pondering that very question as he celebrates in the ring. However, if Jakob has his way, Corey may not make it to dinner. With Corey's back to him, Jakob slides out of the ring and grabs Corey's poleaxe which was mounted to his horse. Furis has not tasted defeat often but he has a reputation of being a very sore and violent loser.

However, before Furis can do anything, Alicia Gordon has run out to the ring! She's wielding a stake and a whip and begins cracking it in Jakob's direction. Furis just fought, and lost, a tough match to Corey O'Brian. He can't fend off an assault by UBL's resident vampire slayer!

Furis realizes he's in deep trouble and commandeers Corey's horse to escape!! As a nobleman, does he have diplomatic power to do that? The horse doesn't think so and loudly neighs and bucks. This, of course, gets Corey's full attention. His bow was on the outisde of the ring so he grabs it and fires it high. An arrow pierces Jakob's shoulder! Furis lets out a monstrous growl that I won't be un-hearing for some time - then bares his teeth in Corey's direction! Not helping those rumors, Jakey. Alicia chases Furis through the arena but Corey's horse is too fast.

...

I won't leave you all in suspense, fans. Corey's horse actually bucked Furis off of him before Furis could ride him out of the arena. Shortly after, our resident horse whisperer, Gleonardo, found him, comforted him, fed him oats and an apple like a good boy, and returned him to Corey unscathed. Thank you, Gleonardo. We salute thee!



It literally takes a village in UBL. Thank you for joining us tonight, fans.

OG-Joshi will be coming to you next with the first stop of the "Detention" tour - Maths!