Week 3, Show 1
Jan 2, 2009 22:35:49 GMT -5
Post by OrochiGeese on Jan 2, 2009 22:35:49 GMT -5
Universal Battalion League - 2008
Week 3: Show 1
BINGO-1 Arena - Buffalo, NY
Hi!! Guess what!? It's Jean Carter again!! And this is my brand new project!! You may notice that you're READING this rather then hearing my beautiful voice, very astute! But what you don't know is WHY that is! Well, after what happened on the Moon Show, Drake Yoshida thought it was a good idea to start controlling what you guys see! And maybe even think too! Great right!? Isn't that what you always wanted? (IT IS WHAT YOU ALWAYS WANTED) Right? (YES) To make sure our betters can censor bad stuff likeJohnny Bingo being blast off into space bad uh...bad stuff happening!? It's for the children, really, they need constant protection from any kind of reality!
So for now on, the Battalion shows are going to be reported to you by lil ole me! I know, I know, I'm not "supposed" to be hosting things anymore but since Sergeant Yoshida has me attending these shows anyway as part of my "management training" (aka 'four sugars and half and half in his coffee.' He has a sweet tooth even if he won't admit it!), he figured he'd work me extra hard and make me take detailed notes and then turn them into a full show report afterwards and here I am! So for now on, all Battalion matches will be covered through my lovely eyes and attempted concise writing! That means I can make sure nothing gets in that upsets you, the readers! Now, this won't affect Open shows as my good friend and fellow Furis-pranker-sympathizer John Randolph will still be your live host. And if I do a good job with the Battalion shows, maybe I'll get to cover next year's Universal Champion League shows too. Especially if Celes gets to stay OG-Joshi General (and I really hope she does cause she's awesome and really Generally) cause that means I'll still have time on my hands for UBL and won't be full-time fussin' with OG-Joshi people trying to kill each other and do mean things! Ok, Jean...Celes is concise and I should be too ok!? Ok!
Now for those who miss the old Battalion format where you actually...gasp (did I just write gasp?) SAW the matches, never fear! Those matches that are deemed "safe", which Drake feels are appropriate to show, will be recorded and linked to in these documents! Luckily I'm typing this all on the interweb (on my BRAND NEW LAPTOP! THANKS FOR THE XMAS PRESENT, GRAMMS!), cause you couldn't link on the typewriters, nosiree! My old typing teacher said we'd never be able to watch wrestling on typwriters, and that old bat was right! And THAT's why the internet was invented!! Ok, enough of the history lesson, let's get to it!
This is the match lineup for tonight:
Block A matches:
Team Kaboom vs. Busch Boys
Llamas Brothers vs. Snake Mountain
J.U.S.T.I.C.E. vs. SNUH
Interblock Match: 4CPW vs. ARMADA
Block D Matches:
Los Salseros Americanos vs. Team Moon Gas 200Y
Black Venom vs. Los Rudos Infernos
PTFW vs. BINGO-1 Heroes
(Jean's Notes: The Block Matches are for league rankings and are 2 on 2 elimination tags. The InterBlock match is not for league rankings and is a one fall, 3 on 3 tornado match!)
I totally forgot to mention how tonight we are being hosted by the BINGO-1 Arena in lovely, FREEZING, Buffalo, NY! Buffalo is the home of the Bills, buffalo wings, and hypothermia. But as cold as the weather is, the people are soooo warm! I got so many hugs and only like half of those were inappropriate! Thanks guys, and girls, for mostly behaving yourselves! Also, you'd think some of the BINGO fans would be kinda cross at the UBL after what happened to Johnny BINGO but i think they know it wasn't ALL our fault: Just that meanie Stuart Robinson and LRI, and perhaps others too! Orochi Geese is insistent that LRI isn't alone and he has gotten Agent O to begin interrogating (did I spell that right? My typing teacher gave me a C as in "C me after class" HAHA!! Sorry) everyone he thinks might be involved. But the Buffalo fans are really loving us here and we love them and their delicious wings right back. But what they love even more then me writing about them is them watching some good ole UBL action so let's get to the ring!
Block A
The first match for tonight is Team KABOOM! vs. the Busch Boyz! This a big match cause both Battalions have 1 win and 1 loss. Sorry, EVERY match here is a big match as Drake told me. But this is PIVOTAL cause both teams want to have a winning record in case this Battalion ever actually finishes! (it will, it will, i'm just teasing...maybe.) The Busch Boys are local favorites as they are from BINGO-1 and so they got a pretty big reaction from the audience. They are meanies so they still got their share of boos but overall, the crowd was all decked out in their merch! That's crazy ole Jean Carter talkin' street! It won't happen again...much! Team Kaboom got a very big ovation too cause they recently won a huge match against J.U.S.T.I.C.E. (yeah i can spell it and not have to sound the periods out loud like i used to!) at the previous show. So both teams have a lot of support here, let's see what happens! This is gonna be the first and only match that you guys can watch as Drake felt this only this one was APPROPRIATE for you - which is kinda ironic considering what happened but uh, I've already said too much! Enjoy the match!!
Match #1: Team Kaboom vs. Busch Boys
Jack Carter/Augusto Vilmar vs. Raz Busch/Duz Busch.
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Wowee!! You gotta hand it to Raz Busch for having the wherewithall to capture the win like that! It wasn't that honorable as Jack didn't even have a chance to get UP, but it's not like he actually cheated...as Duz tried to do earlier with that chair! But these teams sure put on an exciting match, that's for sure! A lot of fans love Block A action and this match showed why!
Team Kaboom (X) [Figure Four Jacknife - 24:49 ] (O) Busch Boys
Also, I think Drake Yoshida is ok but it was nice of Raz Busch to throw up the "X" injury sign during the match! Just for precaution, Drake is going backstage and Coach McGuirk is taking his place for ref duty for the next match. Ok, so once again a BINGO-1 Battalion has a home field advantage here but they also aren't the nicest of guys so the fans aren't fully into them. I'm talking about the Llamas Brothers who may or may not be related to LAWL's LLAMA Mask. I'm guessing yes, but will wait til the DNA tests. Their opponents are two UBL originals and are themselves not the happiest of fellows, but they certainly are successful ones. Naja Mask is a former Battalion champion and Nightmare a perennial top contender to the Universal Championship. I have a feeling this match won't be on the up and up, if you get my drift...
Match #2: Llamas Brothers vs. Snake Mountain
Whatamaneuver! Oh...that was just me catching my pen when it fell. I actually know wrestling move names and stuff! Celes taught me. Still, I can't write every move down due to the fast pace of these matches so I hope you guys don't mind me summarizing the action, cause otherwise this whole thing will look like SMACK-WHAM-PHOOM-PUNCH-HELICOPTER and stuff cause i won't have time to get it all down and make it look pretty! And until UBL can hire a robot or one of those fancy court reporter people, I just can't get it all down! (Which is oddly what I overheard OG-Joshi's Sandy Morton saying in a lockerroom the other day.) But I promise I'll write down the stuff that catches my eye and maybe even my heart too! (Mr. Right, you're out there, I know it!) Oh well. Let's get to the match!
Lorenzo/Bobby vs. Naja Mask/Nightmare
This is just a mess. Both teams are giving their best Oscar performances to get the referee, Coach McGuirk, to believe the OTHER team is cheating. They're faking getting thumbed in the eye and hit in the willies! I've never seen anything like this! Coach is actually laughing and just said: "Screw the cheating, i don't care! Just win! WIN!" Both teams are shocked that their cheating is being ENCOURAGED and have stopped minding the rules at all! All four men are in the ring and the Coach is laughing and this can't be a good lesson to the children! See, THIS is why Drake wanted these matches to be pre-screened! I understand now!
And so I couldn't and wouldn't want to convey what's happening with the weapons and baby powder and man alive is that an ACTUAL buffalo!? In the end, the third Llamas Brother, Llamas Jr. ran out to the ring and helped Bobby throw Naja out, long enough for Lorenzo to hit Nightmare with a steel chair and get the pinfall. Wow, I'm gonna have to take a long shower after that! I feel so dirty.
Llamas Brothers (O) [Chairshot - 11:10] (X) Snake Mountain
GADZOOKS! The third member of Snake Mountain, the Marauder, just ran down to the ring and quite violently cleared out the Llamas Brothers! He was none too happy about the interference here! What shocked me was that Lorenzo hit Marauder with a chair but it did no damage, and then Marauder just headbutted him out of the ring! That man's a steam engine from a different age! But it looks like some order has been restored here. The Llamas Brothers still win but Marauder gets his team a shade of vengeance. No word on what happened to the buffalo but Marauder may have eaten it.
Moving right along, it's time for J.U.S.T.I.C.E. to face SNUH. SNUH has been a very disturbing and dominating team WHEN they don't get themselves disqualified out of rage. J.U.S.T.I.C.E. is one of the top teams to watch here and is rebounding off a competitive but fair loss to Team Kaboom at the last show. Now, Jang Bae is the one sitting this match out as he's been the most active of their Battalion, having recently won his match at the UBL Open in the Nexus Title Tournament. So Thunder Strike and Jason Hyde who will be taking on this match. They certainly have a lot of crowd support too.
Match #3: J.U.S.T.I.C.E vs. SNUH
Jason Hyde/Thunder Strike vs. Khlau Kalash/Kwyjibo
And Jason starts off against Kwyji (sorry, there are just too many letters that don't agree with each other to keep typing his full name) and this is quite a match! Kwyji is a savage, throwing unorthodox ridge hands and elbows and buttcheeks at Jason who isn't totally sure what to do here other then run! And that's what I'd do too! Run! But luckily for Jason, he's actually schooled in wrestling unlike me, and uses his evading skills to ALSO set up lotsa rebound dropkicks! They are able to take Kwyji off his feet but not for long as he keeps getting up and getting even more bothered! This is very weird to watch and finally Kwyji just tags out to Khlau Kalash! Khlau is not effected at all by the dropkicks and immediately starts beating Jason down with overhand chops. Wow, someone in the audience has a "Cake Giant Khlau" shirt!! I guess he really likes cake! But who doesn't, right!? (Mental note: Buy strawberry shortcake cake for Gutter to make her smile!)
Finally, Jason gets to his corner and tags in Thunder Strike. Now we haven't seen Thunder in action for a while and by the look in his eyes, he has some frustration to work off! He gets right up to Khlau and challenges him to a "MAN OFF!" Ok, not really...more of a "let's hit each other and see who is more manly and uncooperative with interviewers," but i like MY idea better cause its more entertaining. Khlau immediately sends Thunder down with a double axe handle and Thunder pops back up and throws a huge elbow (luckily his own, or else that'd be weird) at Khlau's chin. The giant kinda teeters for a second but doesn't move. So Thunder throws another, then another, then another, then runs backwards against the ropes and forwards with a HUGE high kick smack in the middle of Khlau's chin and...FINALLY, Khlau falls right down, face first. I guess he never got hit like that!! But just as it looks like Thunder is setting up for his Cakecopho-knee (sorry), it looks like someone has come out to ringside! It's Agent O of Genji Security!!! And he has a microphone and is pointing to Thunder Strike!!
[Agent 0:] "Thunder Strike, you are wanted for questioning in the matter of Johnny BINGO. You will come with me backstage this instant."
Huh? Why NOW!? It's been a few months since the Moon show. Why does he have to do this in the middle of a match!? Why not before the match began!? The crowd is looking on intently since any mention of Johnny BINGO is very sensitive to them. They appear happy that SOME investigation appears to be going on about Johnny but their murmurs are telling me that Thunder Strike isn't the first guy'd they'd ask. Still, it looks like Thunder may be complying as he makes a tag to Jason Hyde and grabs his own mic from outside!
[Thunder:] "I'm in the middle a match now. You'll wait."
[Agent 0:] "I won't. This is an official matter. Anyone who does not submit to questioning when asked will be suspended from the Battalion by order of Sergeant Drake Yoshida."
OMG...what is this!? He has a match gamgunnit! Wow, Thunder Strike's face is turning a deep shade of red, he is ANGeRY."
[Thunder:] "You can't do this and leave Jason alone in the middle of this match!! I demand that Jang Bae be allowed to come in as my replacement!"
[Agent 0:] "Jang is being questioned now too. But you want a replacement? Fine. You'll get the best."
Agent 0 is gesturing towards the back and OMG! Is that...is that OrochiGeese!? Yes and he's come out in his ring gear and is getting onto the apron on the J.U.S.T.I.C.E. side of the ring!! Apparently he's taken Thunder Strike's place in the match! This is crazy! Thunder Strike is absolutely livid with anger but Geese gives a thumbs-up to Thunder and is doing his best to look motivated to help Jason...who at this point has been absolutely manhandled cause of the distraction! What's that, fans? Well just cause I stopped my focus on the action to write all the dialogue down doesn't mean the match itself stopped! Jason is now facing a 2 on 1 beatdown and isn't doing too well!! But OrochiGeese forces the ref (again, Coach McGuirk) to restore some order (OMG IRONY ALERT!) and Jason is back to a 1 on 1 against Kwyji who has control.
Thunder Strike finally goes backstage with Agent O and Jason is rallying against Kwyji. After a rebound dropkick off the turnbuckles, Jason goes over to make the tag to Geese. Oh, there's NO way this can turn out goo-OMG, he actually accepted it! I thought he was gonna bail but OrochiGeese is now in the ring as the legal man!! And he's beating the crazzap out of Kwyji! I can't believe this! The fans are actually cheering him!! Could it be that Geese has been so eager to get back into action after having months off that he just wanted to insert himself into a match tonight!? But why help his greatest rivals!? I know whe's been playing mind games with J.U.S.T.I.C.E. but this is TOO much! Geese has just lariated Kwyji out of the ring and here comes Khlau Kalash! Geese immediately puts his hands up signalling a test of strength! The fans are loving this and Khlau accepts the test only to get immediately kicked right to the Kalashes!! OOOH! Geese with a thumb to the eye and then a hammer blow to the back of the neck, sending the big man down!! Geese follows him to the mat, driving his elbow in Kalash's face while laughing at him!! How crude! But I bet no one has ever taken it to Kalash like this!! Jason doesn't know what to make of this either but at least he is getting a much needed rest. Geese is using just about every dirty tactic in the book which is making his opponents very angry! And their inability to stop him is making them angrier!!
Geese throws Kalash aside as Kwyji rushes into the ring. Geese ducks an attempted
"Simian Spike" and grabs a rear waistlock. Kwyji braces for a german suplex but is instead hoisted onto Geese's shoulders! Geese then walks over to the corner and tags in Jason, signalling for a top rope Doomsday Device type move! But when Jason tries to fly off the top with a somersault dropkick, Geese moves himself and Kwji out of the way! Jason crashes down hard while Geese rolls out of the ring! And when Jason finally gets up, he's finds himself in the middle of two VERY angry and wild wrestlers!! Two wrestlers who are absolutely furious with all the dirty fighting Geese just used on them! They want revenge on JASON for what Geese did to them! And Geese is walking up the ramp and laughing MANIACALLY at this scene! This whole thing was just a setup to put Jason in an even WORSE position then he would have been going it alone...which he shouldn't have had to do to begin with if it wasn't for the Agent 0 setup!
And the crowd is not happy about this as not only is Jason a UBL fan favorite, but Geese just used the Johnny BINGO situation to advance his own violent agenda! Some fans are pelting garbage at him but he continues laughing and pointing at the ring. Cause now Jason has a much higher risk of injury since these opponents are much angrier and vengeful then they naturally are! And the next five minutes are just too violent to even want to write about. Khlau and Kyjibo just about tear Jason apart as Geese watches, clapping, from the outside! And I don't think this violated the Cease Fire cause Geese didn't directly or even indirectly attack Jason! He even "helped" Jason by attacking his opponents and that didn't disqualify him as they were teammates for the match!! Geese just out-smarted the Cease Fire! This match finally mercifully ends when Jason gets hit by a "Kalash Chop" at the same time as a "Simian Spike" and gets pinned by Kalash. SNUH has won this match but by Geese's reaction, it's clear who the real victor is here. And even if SNUH realizes they were used here, I doubt they'll mind the victory added to their league tally. Poor Jason. He fought as hard as he could but he couldn't deal with Geese's machinations and two very angry opponents here. But I'm sure J.U.S.T.I.C.E. will strike back, it has to, right?
J.U.S.T.I.C.E (X) [Kalash Chop- 16:30] (O) SNUH
INTERMISSION
Ok, well it's time for intermission, which is good cause I think Jason may need some medical attention here. And hopefully i can get over to the merchandise table to get the audiences attention on it and off Jason for a bit. Cause that's not a happy scene. I don't think he'll have any major injuries or anything, but there's gonna be a lot of bruising there and maybe even some minor lacerations from all the chops to the face. He and J.U.S.T.I.C.E. will not be happy. And neither are the fans. Oh wait, before I get to the mechandise table..is that Julian Caesaro in the crowd? It is!! Hallo Julian Caesaro! I wonder if we bring him a mic, if we'll have something to say! I think the crowd could use a pick-me-up now too and he knows how to get them riled up!! Someone get Ceese a mic as I transcribe what he says for the ages!!"
*Ceese looks around in the audience. Some are cheering and some are booing like always*
[Ceese:] "It seems to me that so far, this show has been some what stellar. The only problem about this show is...Im not on the card. I mean really who came to see the Bingo Hall group or the other so called "talented" wrestlers. Well, I stand corrected, They are talented. More talented than a dumb hack named Owen Churchill. I guarantee my royalites that the Royale Era will be in full swing in the next couple of months. And at the next Open Show...It will be Royalized!"
Ok, it's Jean again! And well, I'm not too sure that the self-proclaimed Royale One got the crowd on his side this time!! But he certainly energized them, yessirree!! Now it's time to get to the merchandise table. We start off with the hottest seller tonight, a "JOHNNY BINGO" commemorative headband. ALL proceeds will go to Johnny's family in this time of cosmic need. Also, we have a new Ceese shirt with his hot new logo! Though after what the audience just heard from him, they may be buying it for not so constructive purposes! Also, a very hot seller, especially in the last few minutes, happens to be the "Omega" Churchill shirt which is all white but has one tiny dot of black on it. I tried rubbing it off with a shammie, but it's not a stain, it's part of the shirt. I think Geese refused to have the shirt all white as that would represent Omega's victory or something. And as we saw a few minutes ago, Geese isn't exactly too helpful in these matters. Next, in a subject totally unrelated to anything or anyone I just mentioned, we have a "Get Vell" shirt that John and I helped make for Jakob Furis. All proceeds for this shirt will go towards him and helping him heal from the traumatic concussions he suffered last month. We may joke around with the guy but he's made us all laugh in the past and I think we should help him out in his time of medical need! Also please feel free to send get well cards to him in the hospital!! Allright, back to the show!
So it's time for one of these interblock matches i've been hearing so much about! Apparently these are just ways to let the Battalions let off some steam when they don't have official matches. And that's good cause I hear steam is bad for the environment or something. Save steam, plant a tree, rock the vote! Do STUFF!
ARMADA outweighs 4CPW by a lot. And Galcian has a mean look in his eyes. Vigoro has a SCARY look in his eyes. And Ramirez just looks relieved not to have so much responsibility. On the other side, Minus is trying to get the fans to stop chanting something that sound vaguely profane. Mike Gainer looks confident and Darren looks...well, just kinda there. And really, this is the best description of this match I can give cause...
Interblock Match: 4CPW vs. ARMADA
Mike Gainer, Darren Doomsday, Minus vs. Adam Galcian, Ryan Ramirez, Ivan Vigoro
It's total madness! There are six guys in the ring and they're all hitting each other! Vigoro with a lariat! Gainer with a back body drop! Galcian with an ice cream scoop! Root beer floats? I wish! But no, sadly...it looks like Galcian is ordering Vigoro to FLATTEN each member of the opposing team. This looks like ARMADA's match here and despite a few rallies from Mike Gainer, ARMADA really has his. Vigoro's "Draco Cannon" finishes this one off against the undersized Minus but you gotta hand it to Team 4CPW for their fighting spirit. ARMADA is just too big, strong, and motivated to lose this match, even if it's not for win/loss tallies. "Tallies" is a fun word, kids. Use it at parties!
4CPW (X) ["Draco Cannon" - 12:30] (O) ARMADA
Block D
Onto Block D! And the hope for Root Beer floats! This next match is gonna be another one of those times when I'm gonna need super slow-mo to catch all the action. What's confusing to me is that LSA aren't LAWL wrestlers despite their fruity names. What's also confusing to me is that I could have sworn OG-Joshi wrestlers got involved in TMG"s last match back at the moooon. But since I really didn't get a good look at them, since I was searching for Johnny Bingo, i couldn't tell. Let's see what happens here. I'm watching you, potential OG-Joshi wrestlers!
Match #4: Los Salseros Americanos vs. Team Moon Gas 200Y
Nectarine Hughes/Strawberry McGee vs. OTAKU/Ozzy DaBoe
Nectarine and Strawberry are the biggest and quickest fruits, respectively, of their team. And for someone named after a fruit, Nectarine doesn't really look like she's in the uh, best shape. She may want to eat more fruit and less bacon-wrapped fruit. But you didn't read that from lil ole nonjudgmental me. I know the holidays are tough on the waistlines, girls but really, self-control is the gift we give ourselves this season!!
ANYWAY, Nectarine quickly tires...literally...of OTAKU running circles around her. What makes this more depressing is that Ozzy was running circles while reading actual COMIC BOOKS. Oh wait, they call them manga over at the far east...far east concession stand where they sell manga. Strawberry McGee tags in and begins wrestling the manga out of OTAKU's hands...not a good idea. He then flips to what I can only imagine is an uncouth page of his manga and strawberry's eyes pop out in shock. He then hit the "Slashfic special" for the first pin of the match! I never saw someone lose cause of reading before but learning is fun!
Nectarine is back in and none too happy about what just took place! She rips the manga from OTAKU's hands and then RIPS the manga in half! OTAKU is the one shocked now, and Nectarine starts wailing on him with her ample size! She even connects with a huge muscle bomb press, squashing OTAKU! But Ozzy Da Boe breaks up the cover. She doesn't appear happy with this and shoves him! Instead of fighting back, he tries to win with KINDNESS and goes to shake her hand. He appears to be talking to her, wait, is he offering to teach her how to dance!? WOW! What a nice gesture! Ozzy starts to para para dance and then he whistles...wait...ITS TEAM CHUU CHUU from OG-Joshi! Yuri and Yaoi! What are they doing here!? They're in the ring dancing with Ozzy and Nectarine while TMG's music plays! And in the middle of this, OTAKU has regained enough energy to sneak behind Nectarine and roll her up for the 3 count!! TMG has just danced their way to victory and the audience's heart! Nectarine fruit roll-ups for everyone!
Los Salseros Americanos (X) [Fruit Roll up - 15:05] (O) Team Moon Gas 200Y
Nectarine appears angry but the dancing hasn't stopped! And this time, Ozzy is helping her dance for real! No tricks or tactics! No deceit or connivery! Just fun dancing FUN!! And Strawberry is back in the ring dancing too and we have Los Salseros Americanos, TMG, and Team Chuu Chuu (General Celes, are you reading this!?) para para dancing in the middle of the ring! Gee, it sure looks like fun, I wish I could join them. Later on, I'll just have to draw myself doing it!
Ok, I think the fans are probably thankful we got to watch all that cause the next match features two teams that don't know the meaning of good, clean fun: Black Venom and LRI. And Stuart Robinson doesn't look to be in a good mood here as BOTH of his partners were banned from their match tonight as punishment due to their role in helping Stuart launch Johnny into space. This is just PART of Stuart's punishment though, according to Drake Yoshida. And he faces off against the very hungry and frustrated Kurobara and Kemnebi of Black Venom. Black Venom has come so close to victory here during the Battalion but keep falling just short. But now they are actually STARTING a match off with an advantage rather then having one in the middle of a match.
Match #5: Black Venom vs. Los Rudos Inferno
Kurobara/Kemnebi vs. Stuart Robinson
Stuart invites Kemnebi to actually WRESTLE with him, that's something we don't see too often from Stuart! But I guess he wants to try to play this straight and not upset his two opponents! We get a nice display of "catch as catch can" wrestling but I don't really know what that means other then that it reminds me of that "Can can" dance. My teacher said i was a natural but then asked me out and that was icky. I would have been better off para para dancing with Ozzy. Anyway...
Kemnebi looks like he has the advantage here as Stuart just collapsed!! I've never seen someone fall down so violently from a hammerlock before!! Stuart is holding his neck and pointing at Kemnebi! The referee, once again Coach McGuirk, runs over and checks Kemnebi hands....and there's a pair of brass knuckles!! Coach looks confused here as no actual PUNCH was thrown and Kuro is protesting here, trying to state the obvious case that there's no point in time in which brass knuckles were even used!! And that those knuckles don't even fit! (I prefer the Cinderalla joke over the OJ one, but I'm much too mature to make either!). Coach looks pretty sympathetic for someone who wouldn't disqualify someone over brass knuckles anyway, so really this whole plan had to have backfired for - WAIT...Stuart just put on his own pair of brass knuckles and punched Kemnebi right in the back of the head!! Stuart with the cover and Kurobara can't get in the ring in time to break it up! Stuart just pinned Kemnebi and it's a 1 on 1 match now!!
Now Kuro is in the ring and looks pissed! This is the second match where his team gave up the advantage and the third match in which he's in a bad position!! He immediately takes the fight to Stuart who just got up after making the pin. Kuro is a house of fire here and while the fans aren't usually behind him, I think they'd cheer for Goocifer here if he was facing Stuart Robinson! Stuart Robinson is the ultimate persona non grata in Buffalo tonight and Kuro is giving the fans what they want, a beatdown of Stuart! But when Kuro takes some extra time to climb the ropes, Stuart has a moment to recover. Kuro jumps off the ropes but OMG! FIRE!! KURO JUST SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUSTED! Wait...wait...no, he didn't combust. But Stuart actually breathed fire and it engulfed Kuro, nullifying his big attempted move...which I can only assume was "Try not to catch on fire plancha". Well that move missed...big time. While Kuro is no slouch when it comes to underhanded tactics, Stuart is arguably one of the most down and dirty, cheatingest, nogoodnicks in UBL! And Kuro is not used to facing anyone like him, so he underestimated how low Stuart could go. And while this may not be a limbo contest, Stuart DID just hit the still quivering Kuro with a lariat, followed by the Burnerbreaker just to decisively put this match away! I can't believe Stuart just won this match against such odds! And neither can the fans, and WOW are they not happy here!
Black Venom (X) [Burnerbreaker - 15:14] (O) Los Rudos Infernos
But it's not all safe and sound and cuddly in bed for Stuart, as one of the next Battalions to compete, and the local favorites, BINGO-1 has come out!! They give chase to their hated enemy Stuart who is still celebrating in the ring! He doesn't even notice their arrival...odd due to the DEAFENING applause of the fans, but Stuart IS self-absorbed! And he's also in a heap of trouble cause Tommy BONGO and TAX have now surrounded the ring, entered it, and painted the mat with Stuart! Eek, that sounded very violent, I didn't mean like blood or anything! But they did proceed to hit three huge double powerbombs on him all around the ring! A small "receipt" for Johnny BINGO's travails but some payback nonetheless.
And here comes the PTFW Battalion! Martin Fairbairn is in the ring breaking up the mauling of Stuart and is screaming to the BINGO-1 Team to, and I paraphrase here cause I haven't the feintest clue what words Martin is actually using - "leave him alone, he don't know any better!". Martin then tosses Stuart out of the ring. I guess that was nice to save him from further injury but Martin could have done that more gently. Still, Martin is the brother of Dave Fairbairn who is the Fatman-Ryuu leader and pretty much trained Stuart. So I think there's some degree of kinship between Martin and Stuart despite the fact they probably beat each other senseless most of the time! But I guess Martin doesn't want to see Stuart hurt too badly, which is nice, but i don't think the BINGO-1 heroes would do anything too violent anyway cause they are HEROES afterall. But still, this distraction gives Stuart some time to roll to the outside and take a breather. The medics come down to help him out but Stuart doesn't appear ready to go anywhere and demands that they don't move him in case there's a neck injury. That's actually pretty smart! Neck injuries mean STAY PUT, kids. But while Stuart has a chance to rest, it looks like the main event is about to start!
Match #6: PTFW vs. BINGO-1 Heroes
Martin Fairbairn/Jimmy Cliffs vs. Tommy BONGO/TAX
We have a new referee here to handle the main event, Himura. And he's keeping things a lot more orderly then before. And that's good cause we have three VERY large men in the ring and then Jimmy Cliffs who is large in heart. Well, I hope not, cause enlarged hearts are a bad condition. But i mean he's a real passionate fighter and stuff. And he starts off with the very big TAX who is the main student of Johnny BINGO. Jimmy is a fighter but he just doesn't have the size to deal with the even MORE passionate TAX, at least tonight, who is wearing a Johnny BINGO commemorative headband and is fired up being in front of his home crowd. This just doesn't go Cliffs way and TAX takes him to school, so to speak. I think SUNY Buffalo students are still off for winter break but you get the idea, right? No? You want MOVES? Well, how about like POWER moves....TAX is a'clubbering with forearms and elbows and slamming Cliffs left and right! Martin tries to break things up to get some momentum to his team but the BINGO-1 Team hits another signature (at least by now it seems like it!) double powerbomb on Jimmy Cliffs! And Tommy cuts off Martin as TAX pins Jimmy! And BINGO is up 2-1! That double BINGObomb is really really powerful!
But won't you know, Stuart Robinson is not happy with BINGO-1 being up a man and apparently isn't as hurt as it seemed he was! He immediately gets on the apron and hits Martin with a steel chair right in plain sight of the referee!! Stuart is trying to force a DQ for BINGO-1 Heroes! Kenshin doesn't know what to do here! He doesn't want to disqualify the whole BINGO team and its not even clear Stuart is on their side! As Kenshin is checking on Martin and admonishing Stuart at the same time, two men come out from the opposite side of the audience! One very very very large man and a slightly smaller man who seems to be leading them! And they are both carrying steel chairs! They absolutely CLOBBER Tommy and TAX from behind with those chairs!! Very very violent shots to the heads of the BINGO-1 Battalion! And then the masked men are back out of the ring by the time Kenshin turns his head! Kenshin doesn't know what to make of this but Martin appears ready to get back into the match!!
Kenshin just sees two unconscious BINGO-1 wrestlers on the ground and one standing PTFW wrestler ready to fight, and awards the match to PTFW based on (pure) technical (freaking) knockout!
PTFW (O) [TKO - 5:47] (X) BINGO-1 Heroes
Oh and the fans are not happy about this, not one bit! BINGO-1 has just been cheated out of a win and Stuart Robinson played a big part in it!! And who were those masked men and why did they look familiar!? The fans don't seem happy with the ref's decision but you can't really blame Himura here! Even if he DID see the two masked men, its not like he could have disqualified Martin since Stuart was the one that started this by hitting Martin with the chair! So if anyone got disqualified first, it would have been BINGO Heroes...even though they wouldn't want Stuart hitting people with chairs!!! ACK! This is nuts, we need more rules here! Guys like Stuart are just having their way with who they want and that sounded really gross but you know what I mean! This is like Sparta or something but its UBL and the fans are upset!
OMG, here comes even more wrestlers! Park Young Tae of PTFW is out, as is DF Allen of BINGO-1, and here's VD Dod and Fat Lip of LRI!! And now Black Venom is back out to try to settle the score from earlier with Stuart! Even Team Moon Gas is out to try to restore some order and maybe Para Para dance some more!! Fans, this is insane as now Genji Security have come out with tasers to quiet the insurrection! But standing on the stage laughing is none other then OrochiGeese who is taking in all the carnage like a midsummer's night string quartet! Folks, I think this show is over! But the ramnifications are clear! Things are getting out of hand here...even more so! We'll see you next at the UBL Open this month and then later on for the second show of Week 3 action! This has been "Mean" Jean Carter signing off, Bye-E!
Week 3: Show 1
BINGO-1 Arena - Buffalo, NY
Hi!! Guess what!? It's Jean Carter again!! And this is my brand new project!! You may notice that you're READING this rather then hearing my beautiful voice, very astute! But what you don't know is WHY that is! Well, after what happened on the Moon Show, Drake Yoshida thought it was a good idea to start controlling what you guys see! And maybe even think too! Great right!? Isn't that what you always wanted? (IT IS WHAT YOU ALWAYS WANTED) Right? (YES) To make sure our betters can censor bad stuff like
So for now on, the Battalion shows are going to be reported to you by lil ole me! I know, I know, I'm not "supposed" to be hosting things anymore but since Sergeant Yoshida has me attending these shows anyway as part of my "management training" (aka 'four sugars and half and half in his coffee.' He has a sweet tooth even if he won't admit it!), he figured he'd work me extra hard and make me take detailed notes and then turn them into a full show report afterwards and here I am! So for now on, all Battalion matches will be covered through my lovely eyes and attempted concise writing! That means I can make sure nothing gets in that upsets you, the readers! Now, this won't affect Open shows as my good friend and fellow Furis
Now for those who miss the old Battalion format where you actually...gasp (did I just write gasp?) SAW the matches, never fear! Those matches that are deemed "safe", which Drake feels are appropriate to show, will be recorded and linked to in these documents! Luckily I'm typing this all on the interweb (on my BRAND NEW LAPTOP! THANKS FOR THE XMAS PRESENT, GRAMMS!), cause you couldn't link on the typewriters, nosiree! My old typing teacher said we'd never be able to watch wrestling on typwriters, and that old bat was right! And THAT's why the internet was invented!! Ok, enough of the history lesson, let's get to it!
This is the match lineup for tonight:
Block A matches:
Team Kaboom vs. Busch Boys
Llamas Brothers vs. Snake Mountain
J.U.S.T.I.C.E. vs. SNUH
Interblock Match: 4CPW vs. ARMADA
Block D Matches:
Los Salseros Americanos vs. Team Moon Gas 200Y
Black Venom vs. Los Rudos Infernos
PTFW vs. BINGO-1 Heroes
(Jean's Notes: The Block Matches are for league rankings and are 2 on 2 elimination tags. The InterBlock match is not for league rankings and is a one fall, 3 on 3 tornado match!)
I totally forgot to mention how tonight we are being hosted by the BINGO-1 Arena in lovely, FREEZING, Buffalo, NY! Buffalo is the home of the Bills, buffalo wings, and hypothermia. But as cold as the weather is, the people are soooo warm! I got so many hugs and only like half of those were inappropriate! Thanks guys, and girls, for mostly behaving yourselves! Also, you'd think some of the BINGO fans would be kinda cross at the UBL after what happened to Johnny BINGO but i think they know it wasn't ALL our fault: Just that meanie Stuart Robinson and LRI, and perhaps others too! Orochi Geese is insistent that LRI isn't alone and he has gotten Agent O to begin interrogating (did I spell that right? My typing teacher gave me a C as in "C me after class" HAHA!! Sorry) everyone he thinks might be involved. But the Buffalo fans are really loving us here and we love them and their delicious wings right back. But what they love even more then me writing about them is them watching some good ole UBL action so let's get to the ring!
Block A
The first match for tonight is Team KABOOM! vs. the Busch Boyz! This a big match cause both Battalions have 1 win and 1 loss. Sorry, EVERY match here is a big match as Drake told me. But this is PIVOTAL cause both teams want to have a winning record in case this Battalion ever actually finishes! (it will, it will, i'm just teasing...maybe.) The Busch Boys are local favorites as they are from BINGO-1 and so they got a pretty big reaction from the audience. They are meanies so they still got their share of boos but overall, the crowd was all decked out in their merch! That's crazy ole Jean Carter talkin' street! It won't happen again...much! Team Kaboom got a very big ovation too cause they recently won a huge match against J.U.S.T.I.C.E. (yeah i can spell it and not have to sound the periods out loud like i used to!) at the previous show. So both teams have a lot of support here, let's see what happens! This is gonna be the first and only match that you guys can watch as Drake felt this only this one was APPROPRIATE for you - which is kinda ironic considering what happened but uh, I've already said too much! Enjoy the match!!
Match #1: Team Kaboom vs. Busch Boys
Jack Carter/Augusto Vilmar vs. Raz Busch/Duz Busch.
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Wowee!! You gotta hand it to Raz Busch for having the wherewithall to capture the win like that! It wasn't that honorable as Jack didn't even have a chance to get UP, but it's not like he actually cheated...as Duz tried to do earlier with that chair! But these teams sure put on an exciting match, that's for sure! A lot of fans love Block A action and this match showed why!
Team Kaboom (X) [Figure Four Jacknife - 24:49 ] (O) Busch Boys
Also, I think Drake Yoshida is ok but it was nice of Raz Busch to throw up the "X" injury sign during the match! Just for precaution, Drake is going backstage and Coach McGuirk is taking his place for ref duty for the next match. Ok, so once again a BINGO-1 Battalion has a home field advantage here but they also aren't the nicest of guys so the fans aren't fully into them. I'm talking about the Llamas Brothers who may or may not be related to LAWL's LLAMA Mask. I'm guessing yes, but will wait til the DNA tests. Their opponents are two UBL originals and are themselves not the happiest of fellows, but they certainly are successful ones. Naja Mask is a former Battalion champion and Nightmare a perennial top contender to the Universal Championship. I have a feeling this match won't be on the up and up, if you get my drift...
Match #2: Llamas Brothers vs. Snake Mountain
Whatamaneuver! Oh...that was just me catching my pen when it fell. I actually know wrestling move names and stuff! Celes taught me. Still, I can't write every move down due to the fast pace of these matches so I hope you guys don't mind me summarizing the action, cause otherwise this whole thing will look like SMACK-WHAM-PHOOM-PUNCH-HELICOPTER and stuff cause i won't have time to get it all down and make it look pretty! And until UBL can hire a robot or one of those fancy court reporter people, I just can't get it all down! (Which is oddly what I overheard OG-Joshi's Sandy Morton saying in a lockerroom the other day.) But I promise I'll write down the stuff that catches my eye and maybe even my heart too! (Mr. Right, you're out there, I know it!) Oh well. Let's get to the match!
Lorenzo/Bobby vs. Naja Mask/Nightmare
This is just a mess. Both teams are giving their best Oscar performances to get the referee, Coach McGuirk, to believe the OTHER team is cheating. They're faking getting thumbed in the eye and hit in the willies! I've never seen anything like this! Coach is actually laughing and just said: "Screw the cheating, i don't care! Just win! WIN!" Both teams are shocked that their cheating is being ENCOURAGED and have stopped minding the rules at all! All four men are in the ring and the Coach is laughing and this can't be a good lesson to the children! See, THIS is why Drake wanted these matches to be pre-screened! I understand now!
And so I couldn't and wouldn't want to convey what's happening with the weapons and baby powder and man alive is that an ACTUAL buffalo!? In the end, the third Llamas Brother, Llamas Jr. ran out to the ring and helped Bobby throw Naja out, long enough for Lorenzo to hit Nightmare with a steel chair and get the pinfall. Wow, I'm gonna have to take a long shower after that! I feel so dirty.
Llamas Brothers (O) [Chairshot - 11:10] (X) Snake Mountain
GADZOOKS! The third member of Snake Mountain, the Marauder, just ran down to the ring and quite violently cleared out the Llamas Brothers! He was none too happy about the interference here! What shocked me was that Lorenzo hit Marauder with a chair but it did no damage, and then Marauder just headbutted him out of the ring! That man's a steam engine from a different age! But it looks like some order has been restored here. The Llamas Brothers still win but Marauder gets his team a shade of vengeance. No word on what happened to the buffalo but Marauder may have eaten it.
Moving right along, it's time for J.U.S.T.I.C.E. to face SNUH. SNUH has been a very disturbing and dominating team WHEN they don't get themselves disqualified out of rage. J.U.S.T.I.C.E. is one of the top teams to watch here and is rebounding off a competitive but fair loss to Team Kaboom at the last show. Now, Jang Bae is the one sitting this match out as he's been the most active of their Battalion, having recently won his match at the UBL Open in the Nexus Title Tournament. So Thunder Strike and Jason Hyde who will be taking on this match. They certainly have a lot of crowd support too.
Match #3: J.U.S.T.I.C.E vs. SNUH
Jason Hyde/Thunder Strike vs. Khlau Kalash/Kwyjibo
And Jason starts off against Kwyji (sorry, there are just too many letters that don't agree with each other to keep typing his full name) and this is quite a match! Kwyji is a savage, throwing unorthodox ridge hands and elbows and buttcheeks at Jason who isn't totally sure what to do here other then run! And that's what I'd do too! Run! But luckily for Jason, he's actually schooled in wrestling unlike me, and uses his evading skills to ALSO set up lotsa rebound dropkicks! They are able to take Kwyji off his feet but not for long as he keeps getting up and getting even more bothered! This is very weird to watch and finally Kwyji just tags out to Khlau Kalash! Khlau is not effected at all by the dropkicks and immediately starts beating Jason down with overhand chops. Wow, someone in the audience has a "Cake Giant Khlau" shirt!! I guess he really likes cake! But who doesn't, right!? (Mental note: Buy strawberry shortcake cake for Gutter to make her smile!)
Finally, Jason gets to his corner and tags in Thunder Strike. Now we haven't seen Thunder in action for a while and by the look in his eyes, he has some frustration to work off! He gets right up to Khlau and challenges him to a "MAN OFF!" Ok, not really...more of a "let's hit each other and see who is more manly and uncooperative with interviewers," but i like MY idea better cause its more entertaining. Khlau immediately sends Thunder down with a double axe handle and Thunder pops back up and throws a huge elbow (luckily his own, or else that'd be weird) at Khlau's chin. The giant kinda teeters for a second but doesn't move. So Thunder throws another, then another, then another, then runs backwards against the ropes and forwards with a HUGE high kick smack in the middle of Khlau's chin and...FINALLY, Khlau falls right down, face first. I guess he never got hit like that!! But just as it looks like Thunder is setting up for his Cakecopho-knee (sorry), it looks like someone has come out to ringside! It's Agent O of Genji Security!!! And he has a microphone and is pointing to Thunder Strike!!
[Agent 0:] "Thunder Strike, you are wanted for questioning in the matter of Johnny BINGO. You will come with me backstage this instant."
Huh? Why NOW!? It's been a few months since the Moon show. Why does he have to do this in the middle of a match!? Why not before the match began!? The crowd is looking on intently since any mention of Johnny BINGO is very sensitive to them. They appear happy that SOME investigation appears to be going on about Johnny but their murmurs are telling me that Thunder Strike isn't the first guy'd they'd ask. Still, it looks like Thunder may be complying as he makes a tag to Jason Hyde and grabs his own mic from outside!
[Thunder:] "I'm in the middle a match now. You'll wait."
[Agent 0:] "I won't. This is an official matter. Anyone who does not submit to questioning when asked will be suspended from the Battalion by order of Sergeant Drake Yoshida."
OMG...what is this!? He has a match gamgunnit! Wow, Thunder Strike's face is turning a deep shade of red, he is ANGeRY."
[Thunder:] "You can't do this and leave Jason alone in the middle of this match!! I demand that Jang Bae be allowed to come in as my replacement!"
[Agent 0:] "Jang is being questioned now too. But you want a replacement? Fine. You'll get the best."
Agent 0 is gesturing towards the back and OMG! Is that...is that OrochiGeese!? Yes and he's come out in his ring gear and is getting onto the apron on the J.U.S.T.I.C.E. side of the ring!! Apparently he's taken Thunder Strike's place in the match! This is crazy! Thunder Strike is absolutely livid with anger but Geese gives a thumbs-up to Thunder and is doing his best to look motivated to help Jason...who at this point has been absolutely manhandled cause of the distraction! What's that, fans? Well just cause I stopped my focus on the action to write all the dialogue down doesn't mean the match itself stopped! Jason is now facing a 2 on 1 beatdown and isn't doing too well!! But OrochiGeese forces the ref (again, Coach McGuirk) to restore some order (OMG IRONY ALERT!) and Jason is back to a 1 on 1 against Kwyji who has control.
Thunder Strike finally goes backstage with Agent O and Jason is rallying against Kwyji. After a rebound dropkick off the turnbuckles, Jason goes over to make the tag to Geese. Oh, there's NO way this can turn out goo-OMG, he actually accepted it! I thought he was gonna bail but OrochiGeese is now in the ring as the legal man!! And he's beating the crazzap out of Kwyji! I can't believe this! The fans are actually cheering him!! Could it be that Geese has been so eager to get back into action after having months off that he just wanted to insert himself into a match tonight!? But why help his greatest rivals!? I know whe's been playing mind games with J.U.S.T.I.C.E. but this is TOO much! Geese has just lariated Kwyji out of the ring and here comes Khlau Kalash! Geese immediately puts his hands up signalling a test of strength! The fans are loving this and Khlau accepts the test only to get immediately kicked right to the Kalashes!! OOOH! Geese with a thumb to the eye and then a hammer blow to the back of the neck, sending the big man down!! Geese follows him to the mat, driving his elbow in Kalash's face while laughing at him!! How crude! But I bet no one has ever taken it to Kalash like this!! Jason doesn't know what to make of this either but at least he is getting a much needed rest. Geese is using just about every dirty tactic in the book which is making his opponents very angry! And their inability to stop him is making them angrier!!
Geese throws Kalash aside as Kwyji rushes into the ring. Geese ducks an attempted
"Simian Spike" and grabs a rear waistlock. Kwyji braces for a german suplex but is instead hoisted onto Geese's shoulders! Geese then walks over to the corner and tags in Jason, signalling for a top rope Doomsday Device type move! But when Jason tries to fly off the top with a somersault dropkick, Geese moves himself and Kwji out of the way! Jason crashes down hard while Geese rolls out of the ring! And when Jason finally gets up, he's finds himself in the middle of two VERY angry and wild wrestlers!! Two wrestlers who are absolutely furious with all the dirty fighting Geese just used on them! They want revenge on JASON for what Geese did to them! And Geese is walking up the ramp and laughing MANIACALLY at this scene! This whole thing was just a setup to put Jason in an even WORSE position then he would have been going it alone...which he shouldn't have had to do to begin with if it wasn't for the Agent 0 setup!
And the crowd is not happy about this as not only is Jason a UBL fan favorite, but Geese just used the Johnny BINGO situation to advance his own violent agenda! Some fans are pelting garbage at him but he continues laughing and pointing at the ring. Cause now Jason has a much higher risk of injury since these opponents are much angrier and vengeful then they naturally are! And the next five minutes are just too violent to even want to write about. Khlau and Kyjibo just about tear Jason apart as Geese watches, clapping, from the outside! And I don't think this violated the Cease Fire cause Geese didn't directly or even indirectly attack Jason! He even "helped" Jason by attacking his opponents and that didn't disqualify him as they were teammates for the match!! Geese just out-smarted the Cease Fire! This match finally mercifully ends when Jason gets hit by a "Kalash Chop" at the same time as a "Simian Spike" and gets pinned by Kalash. SNUH has won this match but by Geese's reaction, it's clear who the real victor is here. And even if SNUH realizes they were used here, I doubt they'll mind the victory added to their league tally. Poor Jason. He fought as hard as he could but he couldn't deal with Geese's machinations and two very angry opponents here. But I'm sure J.U.S.T.I.C.E. will strike back, it has to, right?
J.U.S.T.I.C.E (X) [Kalash Chop- 16:30] (O) SNUH
INTERMISSION
Ok, well it's time for intermission, which is good cause I think Jason may need some medical attention here. And hopefully i can get over to the merchandise table to get the audiences attention on it and off Jason for a bit. Cause that's not a happy scene. I don't think he'll have any major injuries or anything, but there's gonna be a lot of bruising there and maybe even some minor lacerations from all the chops to the face. He and J.U.S.T.I.C.E. will not be happy. And neither are the fans. Oh wait, before I get to the mechandise table..is that Julian Caesaro in the crowd? It is!! Hallo Julian Caesaro! I wonder if we bring him a mic, if we'll have something to say! I think the crowd could use a pick-me-up now too and he knows how to get them riled up!! Someone get Ceese a mic as I transcribe what he says for the ages!!"
*Ceese looks around in the audience. Some are cheering and some are booing like always*
[Ceese:] "It seems to me that so far, this show has been some what stellar. The only problem about this show is...Im not on the card. I mean really who came to see the Bingo Hall group or the other so called "talented" wrestlers. Well, I stand corrected, They are talented. More talented than a dumb hack named Owen Churchill. I guarantee my royalites that the Royale Era will be in full swing in the next couple of months. And at the next Open Show...It will be Royalized!"
Ok, it's Jean again! And well, I'm not too sure that the self-proclaimed Royale One got the crowd on his side this time!! But he certainly energized them, yessirree!! Now it's time to get to the merchandise table. We start off with the hottest seller tonight, a "JOHNNY BINGO" commemorative headband. ALL proceeds will go to Johnny's family in this time of cosmic need. Also, we have a new Ceese shirt with his hot new logo! Though after what the audience just heard from him, they may be buying it for not so constructive purposes! Also, a very hot seller, especially in the last few minutes, happens to be the "Omega" Churchill shirt which is all white but has one tiny dot of black on it. I tried rubbing it off with a shammie, but it's not a stain, it's part of the shirt. I think Geese refused to have the shirt all white as that would represent Omega's victory or something. And as we saw a few minutes ago, Geese isn't exactly too helpful in these matters. Next, in a subject totally unrelated to anything or anyone I just mentioned, we have a "Get Vell" shirt that John and I helped make for Jakob Furis. All proceeds for this shirt will go towards him and helping him heal from the traumatic concussions he suffered last month. We may joke around with the guy but he's made us all laugh in the past and I think we should help him out in his time of medical need! Also please feel free to send get well cards to him in the hospital!! Allright, back to the show!
So it's time for one of these interblock matches i've been hearing so much about! Apparently these are just ways to let the Battalions let off some steam when they don't have official matches. And that's good cause I hear steam is bad for the environment or something. Save steam, plant a tree, rock the vote! Do STUFF!
ARMADA outweighs 4CPW by a lot. And Galcian has a mean look in his eyes. Vigoro has a SCARY look in his eyes. And Ramirez just looks relieved not to have so much responsibility. On the other side, Minus is trying to get the fans to stop chanting something that sound vaguely profane. Mike Gainer looks confident and Darren looks...well, just kinda there. And really, this is the best description of this match I can give cause...
Interblock Match: 4CPW vs. ARMADA
Mike Gainer, Darren Doomsday, Minus vs. Adam Galcian, Ryan Ramirez, Ivan Vigoro
It's total madness! There are six guys in the ring and they're all hitting each other! Vigoro with a lariat! Gainer with a back body drop! Galcian with an ice cream scoop! Root beer floats? I wish! But no, sadly...it looks like Galcian is ordering Vigoro to FLATTEN each member of the opposing team. This looks like ARMADA's match here and despite a few rallies from Mike Gainer, ARMADA really has his. Vigoro's "Draco Cannon" finishes this one off against the undersized Minus but you gotta hand it to Team 4CPW for their fighting spirit. ARMADA is just too big, strong, and motivated to lose this match, even if it's not for win/loss tallies. "Tallies" is a fun word, kids. Use it at parties!
4CPW (X) ["Draco Cannon" - 12:30] (O) ARMADA
Block D
Onto Block D! And the hope for Root Beer floats! This next match is gonna be another one of those times when I'm gonna need super slow-mo to catch all the action. What's confusing to me is that LSA aren't LAWL wrestlers despite their fruity names. What's also confusing to me is that I could have sworn OG-Joshi wrestlers got involved in TMG"s last match back at the moooon. But since I really didn't get a good look at them, since I was searching for Johnny Bingo, i couldn't tell. Let's see what happens here. I'm watching you, potential OG-Joshi wrestlers!
Match #4: Los Salseros Americanos vs. Team Moon Gas 200Y
Nectarine Hughes/Strawberry McGee vs. OTAKU/Ozzy DaBoe
Nectarine and Strawberry are the biggest and quickest fruits, respectively, of their team. And for someone named after a fruit, Nectarine doesn't really look like she's in the uh, best shape. She may want to eat more fruit and less bacon-wrapped fruit. But you didn't read that from lil ole nonjudgmental me. I know the holidays are tough on the waistlines, girls but really, self-control is the gift we give ourselves this season!!
ANYWAY, Nectarine quickly tires...literally...of OTAKU running circles around her. What makes this more depressing is that Ozzy was running circles while reading actual COMIC BOOKS. Oh wait, they call them manga over at the far east...far east concession stand where they sell manga. Strawberry McGee tags in and begins wrestling the manga out of OTAKU's hands...not a good idea. He then flips to what I can only imagine is an uncouth page of his manga and strawberry's eyes pop out in shock. He then hit the "Slashfic special" for the first pin of the match! I never saw someone lose cause of reading before but learning is fun!
Nectarine is back in and none too happy about what just took place! She rips the manga from OTAKU's hands and then RIPS the manga in half! OTAKU is the one shocked now, and Nectarine starts wailing on him with her ample size! She even connects with a huge muscle bomb press, squashing OTAKU! But Ozzy Da Boe breaks up the cover. She doesn't appear happy with this and shoves him! Instead of fighting back, he tries to win with KINDNESS and goes to shake her hand. He appears to be talking to her, wait, is he offering to teach her how to dance!? WOW! What a nice gesture! Ozzy starts to para para dance and then he whistles...wait...ITS TEAM CHUU CHUU from OG-Joshi! Yuri and Yaoi! What are they doing here!? They're in the ring dancing with Ozzy and Nectarine while TMG's music plays! And in the middle of this, OTAKU has regained enough energy to sneak behind Nectarine and roll her up for the 3 count!! TMG has just danced their way to victory and the audience's heart! Nectarine fruit roll-ups for everyone!
Los Salseros Americanos (X) [Fruit Roll up - 15:05] (O) Team Moon Gas 200Y
Nectarine appears angry but the dancing hasn't stopped! And this time, Ozzy is helping her dance for real! No tricks or tactics! No deceit or connivery! Just fun dancing FUN!! And Strawberry is back in the ring dancing too and we have Los Salseros Americanos, TMG, and Team Chuu Chuu (General Celes, are you reading this!?) para para dancing in the middle of the ring! Gee, it sure looks like fun, I wish I could join them. Later on, I'll just have to draw myself doing it!
Ok, I think the fans are probably thankful we got to watch all that cause the next match features two teams that don't know the meaning of good, clean fun: Black Venom and LRI. And Stuart Robinson doesn't look to be in a good mood here as BOTH of his partners were banned from their match tonight as punishment due to their role in helping Stuart launch Johnny into space. This is just PART of Stuart's punishment though, according to Drake Yoshida. And he faces off against the very hungry and frustrated Kurobara and Kemnebi of Black Venom. Black Venom has come so close to victory here during the Battalion but keep falling just short. But now they are actually STARTING a match off with an advantage rather then having one in the middle of a match.
Match #5: Black Venom vs. Los Rudos Inferno
Kurobara/Kemnebi vs. Stuart Robinson
Stuart invites Kemnebi to actually WRESTLE with him, that's something we don't see too often from Stuart! But I guess he wants to try to play this straight and not upset his two opponents! We get a nice display of "catch as catch can" wrestling but I don't really know what that means other then that it reminds me of that "Can can" dance. My teacher said i was a natural but then asked me out and that was icky. I would have been better off para para dancing with Ozzy. Anyway...
Kemnebi looks like he has the advantage here as Stuart just collapsed!! I've never seen someone fall down so violently from a hammerlock before!! Stuart is holding his neck and pointing at Kemnebi! The referee, once again Coach McGuirk, runs over and checks Kemnebi hands....and there's a pair of brass knuckles!! Coach looks confused here as no actual PUNCH was thrown and Kuro is protesting here, trying to state the obvious case that there's no point in time in which brass knuckles were even used!! And that those knuckles don't even fit! (I prefer the Cinderalla joke over the OJ one, but I'm much too mature to make either!). Coach looks pretty sympathetic for someone who wouldn't disqualify someone over brass knuckles anyway, so really this whole plan had to have backfired for - WAIT...Stuart just put on his own pair of brass knuckles and punched Kemnebi right in the back of the head!! Stuart with the cover and Kurobara can't get in the ring in time to break it up! Stuart just pinned Kemnebi and it's a 1 on 1 match now!!
Now Kuro is in the ring and looks pissed! This is the second match where his team gave up the advantage and the third match in which he's in a bad position!! He immediately takes the fight to Stuart who just got up after making the pin. Kuro is a house of fire here and while the fans aren't usually behind him, I think they'd cheer for Goocifer here if he was facing Stuart Robinson! Stuart Robinson is the ultimate persona non grata in Buffalo tonight and Kuro is giving the fans what they want, a beatdown of Stuart! But when Kuro takes some extra time to climb the ropes, Stuart has a moment to recover. Kuro jumps off the ropes but OMG! FIRE!! KURO JUST SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUSTED! Wait...wait...no, he didn't combust. But Stuart actually breathed fire and it engulfed Kuro, nullifying his big attempted move...which I can only assume was "Try not to catch on fire plancha". Well that move missed...big time. While Kuro is no slouch when it comes to underhanded tactics, Stuart is arguably one of the most down and dirty, cheatingest, nogoodnicks in UBL! And Kuro is not used to facing anyone like him, so he underestimated how low Stuart could go. And while this may not be a limbo contest, Stuart DID just hit the still quivering Kuro with a lariat, followed by the Burnerbreaker just to decisively put this match away! I can't believe Stuart just won this match against such odds! And neither can the fans, and WOW are they not happy here!
Black Venom (X) [Burnerbreaker - 15:14] (O) Los Rudos Infernos
But it's not all safe and sound and cuddly in bed for Stuart, as one of the next Battalions to compete, and the local favorites, BINGO-1 has come out!! They give chase to their hated enemy Stuart who is still celebrating in the ring! He doesn't even notice their arrival...odd due to the DEAFENING applause of the fans, but Stuart IS self-absorbed! And he's also in a heap of trouble cause Tommy BONGO and TAX have now surrounded the ring, entered it, and painted the mat with Stuart! Eek, that sounded very violent, I didn't mean like blood or anything! But they did proceed to hit three huge double powerbombs on him all around the ring! A small "receipt" for Johnny BINGO's travails but some payback nonetheless.
And here comes the PTFW Battalion! Martin Fairbairn is in the ring breaking up the mauling of Stuart and is screaming to the BINGO-1 Team to, and I paraphrase here cause I haven't the feintest clue what words Martin is actually using - "leave him alone, he don't know any better!". Martin then tosses Stuart out of the ring. I guess that was nice to save him from further injury but Martin could have done that more gently. Still, Martin is the brother of Dave Fairbairn who is the Fatman-Ryuu leader and pretty much trained Stuart. So I think there's some degree of kinship between Martin and Stuart despite the fact they probably beat each other senseless most of the time! But I guess Martin doesn't want to see Stuart hurt too badly, which is nice, but i don't think the BINGO-1 heroes would do anything too violent anyway cause they are HEROES afterall. But still, this distraction gives Stuart some time to roll to the outside and take a breather. The medics come down to help him out but Stuart doesn't appear ready to go anywhere and demands that they don't move him in case there's a neck injury. That's actually pretty smart! Neck injuries mean STAY PUT, kids. But while Stuart has a chance to rest, it looks like the main event is about to start!
Match #6: PTFW vs. BINGO-1 Heroes
Martin Fairbairn/Jimmy Cliffs vs. Tommy BONGO/TAX
We have a new referee here to handle the main event, Himura. And he's keeping things a lot more orderly then before. And that's good cause we have three VERY large men in the ring and then Jimmy Cliffs who is large in heart. Well, I hope not, cause enlarged hearts are a bad condition. But i mean he's a real passionate fighter and stuff. And he starts off with the very big TAX who is the main student of Johnny BINGO. Jimmy is a fighter but he just doesn't have the size to deal with the even MORE passionate TAX, at least tonight, who is wearing a Johnny BINGO commemorative headband and is fired up being in front of his home crowd. This just doesn't go Cliffs way and TAX takes him to school, so to speak. I think SUNY Buffalo students are still off for winter break but you get the idea, right? No? You want MOVES? Well, how about like POWER moves....TAX is a'clubbering with forearms and elbows and slamming Cliffs left and right! Martin tries to break things up to get some momentum to his team but the BINGO-1 Team hits another signature (at least by now it seems like it!) double powerbomb on Jimmy Cliffs! And Tommy cuts off Martin as TAX pins Jimmy! And BINGO is up 2-1! That double BINGObomb is really really powerful!
But won't you know, Stuart Robinson is not happy with BINGO-1 being up a man and apparently isn't as hurt as it seemed he was! He immediately gets on the apron and hits Martin with a steel chair right in plain sight of the referee!! Stuart is trying to force a DQ for BINGO-1 Heroes! Kenshin doesn't know what to do here! He doesn't want to disqualify the whole BINGO team and its not even clear Stuart is on their side! As Kenshin is checking on Martin and admonishing Stuart at the same time, two men come out from the opposite side of the audience! One very very very large man and a slightly smaller man who seems to be leading them! And they are both carrying steel chairs! They absolutely CLOBBER Tommy and TAX from behind with those chairs!! Very very violent shots to the heads of the BINGO-1 Battalion! And then the masked men are back out of the ring by the time Kenshin turns his head! Kenshin doesn't know what to make of this but Martin appears ready to get back into the match!!
Kenshin just sees two unconscious BINGO-1 wrestlers on the ground and one standing PTFW wrestler ready to fight, and awards the match to PTFW based on (pure) technical (freaking) knockout!
PTFW (O) [TKO - 5:47] (X) BINGO-1 Heroes
Oh and the fans are not happy about this, not one bit! BINGO-1 has just been cheated out of a win and Stuart Robinson played a big part in it!! And who were those masked men and why did they look familiar!? The fans don't seem happy with the ref's decision but you can't really blame Himura here! Even if he DID see the two masked men, its not like he could have disqualified Martin since Stuart was the one that started this by hitting Martin with the chair! So if anyone got disqualified first, it would have been BINGO Heroes...even though they wouldn't want Stuart hitting people with chairs!!! ACK! This is nuts, we need more rules here! Guys like Stuart are just having their way with who they want and that sounded really gross but you know what I mean! This is like Sparta or something but its UBL and the fans are upset!
OMG, here comes even more wrestlers! Park Young Tae of PTFW is out, as is DF Allen of BINGO-1, and here's VD Dod and Fat Lip of LRI!! And now Black Venom is back out to try to settle the score from earlier with Stuart! Even Team Moon Gas is out to try to restore some order and maybe Para Para dance some more!! Fans, this is insane as now Genji Security have come out with tasers to quiet the insurrection! But standing on the stage laughing is none other then OrochiGeese who is taking in all the carnage like a midsummer's night string quartet! Folks, I think this show is over! But the ramnifications are clear! Things are getting out of hand here...even more so! We'll see you next at the UBL Open this month and then later on for the second show of Week 3 action! This has been "Mean" Jean Carter signing off, Bye-E!