Week 6, Show 1
Oct 30, 2009 21:15:26 GMT -5
Post by OrochiGeese on Oct 30, 2009 21:15:26 GMT -5
Universal Battalion League - 2008
Week 6: Show 1
Snake Mountain - Bakumatsu Arena Kyoto, Japan.
Konichi-waaaah, ooh did I spell that right? Well, HI!! I know I spelled THAT right! It's Jean Carter and I didn't even expect to be here but Drake flew me out last minute to Kyoto, Japan for what will be one of the most nostalgic UBL shows ever! For those who scored poorly on their UBL History exams, UBL actually started off in Japan and was then sold to the Yoshida's before being sold to Geese and moved to the US of A. In fact, it was in THIS VERY arena, Bakumatsu Arena, that the UBL was created! Exciting! Drake has spared no expense in making this show very traditionally themed but with a mix of more modern flavor. In fact, you'll even notice the arena looks quite similar to the new one in NY!! How'd they manage to do that!?
For those who were hoping that you'd instead be seeing "Snake Mountain", the tentative arena name for tonight's show, we apologize for the bait-and-switch. But chin-up, I think you can buy He-Man (and She-Ra!) on DVD. However, we WILL have at least one snake on this show - Naja Mask of the current Battalion Champions, Snake Mountain, will be here. In fact he'll be in our main event against J.U.S.T.I.C.E.. Speaking of matches, that's what you're all here for, right? Let's see what we have lined up for tonight!
*A graphic comes onto the screen*
Tonight's Card:
Block D matches:
Los Salseros Americanos vs. Los Rudos Infernos
Black Venom vs. ARMADA
Pure Technical F'n Wrestling vs. Team Moon Gas 200Y
Interblock Match: SNUH vs. BINGO-1 Heroes
Block A Matches:
Team KABOOM vs. Team 4CPW
Cuban Assassins vs. Busch Brothers
J.U.S.T.I.C.E. vs. Snake Mountain
(Quick Notes: The Block Matches are for league rankings and consist of 2 on 2 elimination tags. The InterBlock match is not for league rankings and consists of a one fall, 3 on 3 tornado match)
Block D
It looks like Drake is out and is leading a rice ceremony to start the show. Apparently early UBL shows always started with these rituals to focus the competitors to bring out their best and ward off evil spirits (tax collectors). And now Drake has a microphone, let's hear what he has to say.
[Drake:] "(Speaks in Japanese")
Let's hear it for "post-production". After the show, Drake translated his speech for me::
[Drake:] "It is my honor to be in front of you all once again. We have returned to show that UBL is stronger then ever before and we wish for our old fans to celebrate our growth. Please enjoy the show and direct all gratitude to Mr. Geese. The journey he has made from Bolt to where he is now is one that should inspire all of us. Without him, this show would not be posible."
The fans are applauding respectfully, which is what many of them tend to do here. A very nice change from the throwing of onion rings we often get in the states. And they are ready for the show to begin and I wonder how they'll take to some of our more unorthodox competitors, like the ones coming out right now. Los Salseros Americanos are getting a good reaction though, the crowd is clapping along and seem to enjoy their upbeat attitudes! But as soon as LRI comes out, a chorus of boos follows them. That is not a new development but the fans are REALLY letting them have it, blasting them for "sullying the spirit of competition." Stuart Robinson sullies the spirit of PG-13 viewing by giving them all an expletive laced tirade which I won't repeat and a certain vertical finger that I'll only briefly allude to.
But even if you can, and should, argue with Stuart's little...haha Stuart Little, like the mouse! Uh...I was saying, Stuart's little triade, the fact is that LRI is now tied with TMG for the best record in Block D with 3 wins and only 1 loss. LSA has 2 wins and 2 losses and is the definite underfruit here. Let's see if they can- ok, looks like this action is starting early!!
Match #1: Los Salseros Americanos vs. Los Rudos Infernos
Strawberry McGee/Nectarine Hughes vs. Stuart Robinson/Fat Lip
Fat Lip immediately starts things off before the bell by clipping the legs of Nectarine Hughes! Worse, he does it with his little toy Benz!! As cute as that little car is, he was WRONG to do that!! And very wrong not to exchange insurance information after what I'm HOPING was just an accident! Nectarine looks really hurt now! She is the powerhouse of the their team and really the strongest competitor in the ring right now. By the grin on Fat Lip's face, it appears LRI didn't want to risk having to wrestle a FAIR MATCH so they - oh I'm just so angry! Poor Nectarine Hughes is rolling on the ground here and Stuart immediately puts her in a figure four, made that much more painful by Nectarine's considerable...uh...heft. Fat Lip throws McGee out of the ring and Nectarine has nowhere to go! She hangs on for as long as she can but has to tap before any more damage is done. LRI is up 2-1.
Strawberry McGee is now just the gosh darned angriest strawberry I've ever seen! No sugar coating this situation to her....maybe chocolate coating though. Mmmm... Uh, as I was saying, McGee even goes to grab a chair but the referee (Coach) takes it away from him. This allows Fat Lip to get the literal jump on him. And as McGee is balancing Fat Lip on his neck and trying to pry his fingers out of his eyes, Stuart hits a low dropkick to the front of the knee of McGee (heehee), sending him crashing to the mat and Fat Lip landing on top of him with a modified Calf Branding! Ouch. That was NOT a good fall, fans. Fat Lip covers and gets the pin with no resistance. LRI has won this in record time.
L.S.A. (X) [Shoulderberry Calf Branding - 3:50] (O) LRI
And it's upsetting behavior like this that has lost LRI so many fans but won them so many of their matches. The fans are not happy about this at all and for good reason. Nectarine may have a broken leg and Strawberry may have a concussion. And LRI, they have their fourth win and a shot at taking the lead in their block going into the final week of league competition.
Next up is a match between the 2-2 ARMADA and 1-3 Black Venom. Black Venom has really tasted some bittersweet defeats in this league, having come so close to victory only to have it snatched out from under them at the last minute. ARMADA started off shaky but has had an incredible streak of victories since then and appear to have a lot of momentum. While both LRI and TMG are ahead of them in rankings, ARMADA is not yet out of the running to at least tie for the lead by the end. Unfortunately for a lot of teams, they aren't statistically able to even do that (boo numbers!) and this week ends any hopes of them winning this league. Hopefully they'll still try their hardest and be proud of their efforts!! Or at least seek a friend and a warm cup of cocoa. Let's get to the ring and see if ARMADA can keep their Battalion hopes alive.
Match #2: Black Venom vs. ARMADA
Kemnebi/Kurobara vs. Galcian/Ramirez
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And again - Black Venom gets SO close and gives probably their best effort of the entire league but it just wasn't enough. They even eliminated Galcian, I hope his knee's ok, that kick looked hard (!), but Ramirez definitely just earned the respect of the fans here! Without a doubt this was THE best match of Ramirez' Battalion and he won with his poetically named finisher!! Good work!! That was an incredible match and the fans are giving both teams their deserved applause!
Black Venom (X) ["Silver Eclipse" - 39:25] (O) ARMADA
And for our final Block D match we have the 3-1 Team Moon Gas against the surprisingly 2-3 PTFW team. I say surprisingly cause they were really set to do some damage in this block but kept getting conned out of victories due to their own allies getting them into uncomfortable, awkward, and bad situations!! From LRI fooling them repeatedly to the situation between LRI and BINGO-1 getting hairy, PTFW has been in the middle of a lot of wars that didn't benefit them to be involved in! But now they are against a team that has no past history with them or their allies. And Martin Fairbairn has come out motivated and ANGRY. TMG may have a problem here as this is by far the angriest we've seen Martin before a match in this league. Meanwhile TMG is coming out in anime inspired robot outfits and oh no - that just irritated Martin even more as he's calling them "poofters" or something that likely doesn't reflect well on the personal lives of TMG! Martin doesn't waste a second and rips their robot costumes off!! Oh this is bad!!
Match #3: Pure Technical F'n Wrestling vs. Team Moon Gas 200Y
Martin Fairbairn/Jimmy Cliffs vs. Sam McCloud/OTAKU
Sam yells out: "I paid 200 yen for this!" and that sounds like a LOT to me but PTFW doesn't offer to reimburse them for the damaged costume. Instead, Martin and Sam are brawling on the ramp now. This plays right into PTFW's favor as Martin is probably the best brawler in the entire UBL. And as angry as Sam is with his early Halloween outfit being destroyed, he's just not up to Martin's level when it comes to fist'a'cuffs. This sets the pace of the match as PTFW has successfully gotten TMG outside of their comfort zones of wrestling and into the backgrounds brawlerdom of Martin and Jimmy. This is especially a problem for the smaller OTAKU who simply can not even faze the angry Martin and falls to a particularly nasty punching combination. Jimmy cuts off Sam and Martin mounts OTAKU, raining down brutal headbutts until OTAKU submits, giving PTFW a 2-1 lead.
Martin tags out to Jimmy for a breather and even though it looks like PTFW have this in hand, Sam is just starting to warm up. As Jimmy goes for an over head double axe handle, Sam yells out FALCON PUNCH and hits him with a HUGE rushing punch to the stomach! The crowd LOVES this and watches as Jimmy's eyes pop out while he falls to one knee gasping for air!! Sam runs the ropes, making sure to knock Martin off the apron, and then smashes Jimmy with a shining wizard! He goes for the cover and gets it, now we're tied up!
Martin is a bit stunned from taking the fall to the floor. He gets into the ring and Sam start laying into him with a wild assortment of difficult to counter strikes. Sam may be putting this away- Oh no, it's LRI! LRI is out and they begin to beat on the downed OTAKU outside the ring. Sam sees this and goes to try to help but Martin absolutely levels him with a lariat to the back of the head! Sam is down and as he wobbly tries to get up, Martin hits a reverse powerbomb for the quick win out of nowhere!
PTFW (O) [Reverse Powerbomb - 15:40] (X) TMG 200Y
LRI gave PTFW a bit of restitution here but I don't think it was because of any kindred bond! LRI knew that if they cost TMG the victory, that LRI would be the leading team in Block D! They may have done more then just stolen this win for PTFW, they may have finished stealing the block for themselves! But one thing they are going to have to contend with is the fact that they face TMG at the final show of this Battalion!! And you know they are gonna want revenge after what just happened here!! And if LRI loses to TMG, then we'll have a 3 way tie in Block D between these two teams AND whoever wins between ARMADA and BINGO-1 Heroes that night!! It is all coming down to the final show for this exciting and competitive Block!!
INTERMISSION
Whoo - well that was sure something!! We better cool things down a bit with some cool lime intermission text. And a quick trip to the merchandise- no wait, can't do that anymore, Drake don't like it! Too bad too cause the Japanese have the COOLEST UBL merchandise I have EVER seen! Like wrestler cell phone straps and all kinds of knick knacks I'd spend my entire years paycheck on! And some particular native brand knockoffs like a "Hello Rousseau" stuffed plush! Oh my, I just have to bring back gifts for all my friends back home!!!! But first, let's get to the next Interblock match! We have a lot of big guys in that ring...and Crab Juice!! Let's see if Khlah Kalash and Kwyjibo can be handled by the BINGO-1 Heroes team!!
Interblock Match: SNUH vs. BINGO-1 Heroes
Kwjibo/Khlau Kalash/Crab Juice vs. D.F. Allen/Tommy BONGO/Tax
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And whaddya' know? They can!! Khlau and Kwyjibo aren't too used to being up against such a big team, perhaps even being outweighed while having to look out for their smaller beverage friend. And given the state of anger (New Jersey?) that BINGO-1 has been in after all that happened with Johnny and LRI and PTFW and everything...I think they took some of their frustration out on SNUH. Most importantly, they didn't get injured - as they have a VERY big match against ARMADA at the final show!
SNUH (X) [BONGO BOMBAH - 18:55] (O) BINGO-1 Heroes
And now I have a special scoop for you!! During the show, my sources told me that there was a sighting of a very important wrestler in UBL's history. So I made it my mission to track him down (through time if necessary) and try to interview with him. Now, I don't always agree with Sergeant Yoshida but in this case he was right, this guy is a MEANIE. I'm talking about none other then...the Cosmic K*I*D. I found him standing stoically in the front row and went up to talk to him. Here's the interview!
[MJC:] "Hello! I'm Jean Carter and-"
[K*I*D:] "I know who you are - you echo the lies the boss tells you to."
[MJC:] "Right...um, so I was gonna go with 'pleased to meet you' but-"
[K*I*D:] "What do you want?"
[MJC:] "I wanted to interview you! You're the first major star that came out of the old UBL-
[K*I*D:] "The first UBL was the real UBL. Then Drake took over and this place no placed a priority on entertaining the fans but rather feeding the egos and violent desires of the wrestlers Drake maneuvered to be on top for his own monetary gain."
[MJC:] "That's a lot of stuff you just said!! But I do agree that early UBL was very entertaining!I That whole Space-Time Continuum Title was well um...LAWL'ish?"
[K*I*D:] "You'll find your american pop culture references are lost on me."
[MJC:] "So much for my "where's the beef" punchline. Now, I couldn't help but notice that despite being in the audience, you're wearing your old attire from when you used to wrestle here before you got fired-"
[K*I*D:] "More lies Drake told you? I wasn't fired, I quit. I was the last legitimate UBL Champion."
[MJC:] "Well guys like Geese and Thunder Strke might disagree, Marauder and Jack Dod too!"
[K*I*D:] "All pawns of Yoshida in their own way. Especially *spits* Geese."
[MJC:] "Yeah I'm not sure if anyone told you this but spitting is really disgusting and a nasty habit and may be indicative of early childhood traumas that you should work out slowly through therapy. ALSO, Geese is now the owner of the UBL and Drake is his employee."
[K*I*D:] "So Geese and Drake swapped positions and now UBL is even worse then it was when Drake owned it. Big difference."
[MJC:] "Ok if you hate Geese, Drake, and apparently everyone so much, why did you pay top yen to sit in the first row and watch a UBL show wearing your old attire? Nostalgia?"
[K*I*D:] "I don't have to give you a reason."
[MJC:] "Didn't the fans used to love you? Why are you so mean now!? For someone who hates the new UBL for allgedly 'not entertaining the fans and giving them fun,' you, you're so cross that you make Thunder Strike look like a newborn kitten rolling around in an ice cream cone amusement park on pizza snack night!"
[K*I*D:] "...We're done here."
[MJC:] "And a very merry Xmas to you too, Cosmic Scrooge! Hmph!"
Rude Rude RUDE. I called up Luke Kisiera afterwards to tell him what happened and he told me that at least I didn't have to deal with Pot Bellah again. He's right too. Thanks Luke!
Block A
Ok and we're halfway through the show and now it's time for some Block A action! And you're in for a real treat as we have our first video of a 4CPW match for you! Let's see if they can improve on their 2-2 record against the very impressive 2-2 Team Kaboom! Now I know, ole Jeany said 2-2 for both but the level of competition that Team Kaboom defeated was a bit higher! The team that wins here will be potentially tied for the lead with JUSTICE and SNUH. Let's see which one pulls out the victory!
Match #4: Team KABOOM vs. Team 4CPW
Hector Smyth/Jack Carter vs. Minus/Darren Doomsday
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Hector Smyth was a man possessed in that match!! He defeated both opponents and really turned it up at the end! 4CPW had their chances but they could not overtake the very motivated Team KABOOM here. The fans seemed to be excitedly chanting "Travis" at Darren, I have no idea why.
Team KABOOM (O) [Rolling Prawn Hold - 22:02] (X) Team 4CPW
Next we have two teams that most fans do not like because of their cheating and meanness. The 1-3 Cuban Assassins face the 2-2 Busch Boyz. Both Duz and Raz eventually got tired enough from doing all the work in their Battalion so finally Duz had to take a break and the third member of their Battalion, their manager, Mastah P is gonna wrestler tonight. That definitely gives an advantage to the Cubans here.
Match #5: Cuban Assassins vs. Busch Brothers
Lorenzo/Bobby vs. Mastah P/Raz
Raz starts off for his team and the Cubans are making smart work of quick tagging to wear out Raz. They know that once Mastah P tags in, he's gonna have trouble due to his lack of experience and size. Lorenzo and Bobby are using this opportunity to really wear down Raz to the point that he HAS to make the tag, but Mastah P backs up, clearly afraid to get into the ring, while mouthing off all tough like at the same time. If you're so tough, why not get in the ring!? Sheesh!!
Raz can only hang on for so long and what can I say fans, some matches in a large league like this are just mismatches! if Duz was healthy, he and Raz could give serious effort here but after that long match with J.U.S.T.I.C.E, he needed a break. And Raz just can't hold on and falls to a double team shining wizard from Bobby off the shoulders of Lorenzo! Incredible move and Raz is out. Mastah P takes a look around, considers his options, and runs away to get counted out. And I can't exactly say that was a bad move for him but the crowd doesn't like his cowardice one bit. The Cuban Assassins don't seem to mind the easy victory!
Cuban Assassins (O) [Powerbomb - 15:14] (X) Busch Brothers
And now it's time for the main event! J.U.S.T.I.C.E. at 3-2 vs Snake Mountain at 2-2! And this is SO big for so very many reasons!! You folks like lists? With bullet points? And cat stickers? You're gonna get it! Well without the cat stickers, I used them all on a postcard to my gramma. Onto the list!
* Three of these wrestlers came from the old UBL - Thunder Strike, Naja Mask, and Marauder!
* Back then, Naja Mask and Marauder constantly competed with Thunder Strike, and Geese, for the Battalion Championship AND the Universal Championship!
* Naja Mask and Marauder defeated Thunder Strike and Jason Hyde at the first UBL Open show in 2007.
* If J.U.S.T.I.C.E. win tonight, they clinch a tie for the block lead, at the very least. And if SNUH loses at the next Block A show, J.U.S.T.I.C.E. will win the Block and head to the Finale tournament!
There ya go!! The fans know what is at stake too as they are cheering the loudest they have all night!! And wow, I've never seen Thunder Strike get such a spirited reception either! The fans are really loving his quiet intensity, they're eating it up here! Jason Hyde is also getting a lot of respect and there are a number of Dragon Isle fans with Jason Hyde signs. (the same fans were NOT so happy to see Black Venom earlier despite their DIPW roots). Even Naja and Marauder are getting the love of the fans, more for Marauder really. But while many fans in other regions tend to laugh at Naja, the fans here are quiet and respectful having seen him at his best. Not to say he's in an awful rut and seriously needs to consider a career change, but many have said that he hasn't evolved at the same rate as Geese, Thunder, and Marauder have. But Naja is still one of the most dangerous tag wrestlers in the UBL and we've seen him primarily responsible for many of the Snake Mountain victories in this league with his ring general abilities. But he's not the only one that knows a little something about warfare as Thunder Strike looks more focused then he has the entire league. He knows whats at stake, and he wants this victory badly. I haven't seen him this focused since his previous match with Geese, actually, to give you an idea of his mindset. As for Marauder, he seems almost surprised at the good reaction he has gotten from the fans.
While Marauder is momentarily star struck, Naja Mask is still lurking outside the ring. And it looks like he has a chair! And he isn't using it traditionally to take a load off! Rather, he rolls into the ring and winds up to smash Jason Hyde on the head with it but Marauder takes it away from him before he has the chance to swing!! Naja is LIVID, hissing and making all kinds of noises an angry snake would make in humanoid form! But Marauder wants to wrestle this match fairly and squarely and throws the chair aside! Good for you, Marauder! I'm gonna send you a gold star in the mail!! And now, it looks like we're ready for the match!!
Match #6: J.U.S.T.I.C.E. vs. Snake Mountain
Jason Hyde/Thunder Strike vs. Naja Mask/Marauder
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What a match!! After a tough 30 minutes of action, including agonizing minutes of Naja Mask interference, Jason Hyde is able to pin Marauder cleanly in the middle of the ring! Naja Mask may have both saved and cost his team the victory at various points in the match and while Marauder tried to hang on, Jason Hyde looked the sharpest he has the whole league! This was the Jason Hyde we saw that defeated Orochi Geese and Jack Dod in the Universal Championship league! And Thunder Strike was on his game as well.
J.U.S.T.I.C.E. (O) [Misteriorana - 36:38] (X) Snake Mountain
And now Naja is having some words with Marauder. He appears to be scolding him for not taking full advantage of Naja's multiple distractions of the referee. And Marauder is angry that Naja Mask kept trying to cheat on behalf of the team!! To add to this frustration, Snake Mountain has now been statistically eliminated from any chances of winning the Battalion!! So no matter what, we are guaranteed NEW Battalion Champions this year!! While that may be exciting for us, I know two wrestlers that aren't so pleased about that. Naja leaves the ring hissing to himself while Marauder observes Thunder and Jason getting cheered by the audience. They look at Marauder and slowly walk over, tentatively extending their hands. Marauder goes to shake them...their hands, that is, when Naja comes back into the ring with ANOTHER chair and goes to hit Jason again (is Jason wearing some kind of snake attracting cologne?), but Marauder jumps in front of the swing and takes the hit instead!! Wow!!
But here's where it got strange, folks! Rather then try again to hit Jason, Naja goes to hit the fallen Marauder!!! But Thunder knocks the chair out of his grasp with the Cacapho-knee!! Then Jason dropkicks Naja out of the ring! The two help Marauder up as the fans are going nuts at this point! Is this the breakup of Snake Mountain!? Naja has never outright attacked Marauder before even if we've seen him push Marauder into opponents to raise their ire. This was a direct attack though! It looks like this situation is gonna get interesting. But, in the meantime, Marauder gets back up on his feet with the help of Thunder and Jason and then finally shakes their hands to a huge uproar of applause!! No matter what happens in this league, we can say J.U.S.T.I.C.E. and now Marauder are true champions because of their KINDNESS. Hear that, UBL? Kindness counts towards rankings now.
(Drake's note: "No it doesn't. And you've been docked in pay for saying that.")
Folks, this show is over and two UBL originals are standing tall with what many believe to be the future of UBL in Jason Hyde!! That's all we have for you tonight! Join John Randolph for the next UBL Open show soon! And Battalion action is coming to you next in a non-disclosed high security area! Find out where when we come to you next, just three shows away from the conclusion of the league! Sayonara!!!!
Week 6: Show 1
Snake Mountain - Bakumatsu Arena Kyoto, Japan.
Konichi-waaaah, ooh did I spell that right? Well, HI!! I know I spelled THAT right! It's Jean Carter and I didn't even expect to be here but Drake flew me out last minute to Kyoto, Japan for what will be one of the most nostalgic UBL shows ever! For those who scored poorly on their UBL History exams, UBL actually started off in Japan and was then sold to the Yoshida's before being sold to Geese and moved to the US of A. In fact, it was in THIS VERY arena, Bakumatsu Arena, that the UBL was created! Exciting! Drake has spared no expense in making this show very traditionally themed but with a mix of more modern flavor. In fact, you'll even notice the arena looks quite similar to the new one in NY!! How'd they manage to do that!?
For those who were hoping that you'd instead be seeing "Snake Mountain", the tentative arena name for tonight's show, we apologize for the bait-and-switch. But chin-up, I think you can buy He-Man (and She-Ra!) on DVD. However, we WILL have at least one snake on this show - Naja Mask of the current Battalion Champions, Snake Mountain, will be here. In fact he'll be in our main event against J.U.S.T.I.C.E.. Speaking of matches, that's what you're all here for, right? Let's see what we have lined up for tonight!
*A graphic comes onto the screen*
Tonight's Card:
Block D matches:
Los Salseros Americanos vs. Los Rudos Infernos
Black Venom vs. ARMADA
Pure Technical F'n Wrestling vs. Team Moon Gas 200Y
Interblock Match: SNUH vs. BINGO-1 Heroes
Block A Matches:
Team KABOOM vs. Team 4CPW
Cuban Assassins vs. Busch Brothers
J.U.S.T.I.C.E. vs. Snake Mountain
(Quick Notes: The Block Matches are for league rankings and consist of 2 on 2 elimination tags. The InterBlock match is not for league rankings and consists of a one fall, 3 on 3 tornado match)
Block D
It looks like Drake is out and is leading a rice ceremony to start the show. Apparently early UBL shows always started with these rituals to focus the competitors to bring out their best and ward off evil spirits (tax collectors). And now Drake has a microphone, let's hear what he has to say.
[Drake:] "(Speaks in Japanese")
Let's hear it for "post-production". After the show, Drake translated his speech for me::
[Drake:] "It is my honor to be in front of you all once again. We have returned to show that UBL is stronger then ever before and we wish for our old fans to celebrate our growth. Please enjoy the show and direct all gratitude to Mr. Geese. The journey he has made from Bolt to where he is now is one that should inspire all of us. Without him, this show would not be posible."
The fans are applauding respectfully, which is what many of them tend to do here. A very nice change from the throwing of onion rings we often get in the states. And they are ready for the show to begin and I wonder how they'll take to some of our more unorthodox competitors, like the ones coming out right now. Los Salseros Americanos are getting a good reaction though, the crowd is clapping along and seem to enjoy their upbeat attitudes! But as soon as LRI comes out, a chorus of boos follows them. That is not a new development but the fans are REALLY letting them have it, blasting them for "sullying the spirit of competition." Stuart Robinson sullies the spirit of PG-13 viewing by giving them all an expletive laced tirade which I won't repeat and a certain vertical finger that I'll only briefly allude to.
But even if you can, and should, argue with Stuart's little...haha Stuart Little, like the mouse! Uh...I was saying, Stuart's little triade, the fact is that LRI is now tied with TMG for the best record in Block D with 3 wins and only 1 loss. LSA has 2 wins and 2 losses and is the definite underfruit here. Let's see if they can- ok, looks like this action is starting early!!
Match #1: Los Salseros Americanos vs. Los Rudos Infernos
Strawberry McGee/Nectarine Hughes vs. Stuart Robinson/Fat Lip
Fat Lip immediately starts things off before the bell by clipping the legs of Nectarine Hughes! Worse, he does it with his little toy Benz!! As cute as that little car is, he was WRONG to do that!! And very wrong not to exchange insurance information after what I'm HOPING was just an accident! Nectarine looks really hurt now! She is the powerhouse of the their team and really the strongest competitor in the ring right now. By the grin on Fat Lip's face, it appears LRI didn't want to risk having to wrestle a FAIR MATCH so they - oh I'm just so angry! Poor Nectarine Hughes is rolling on the ground here and Stuart immediately puts her in a figure four, made that much more painful by Nectarine's considerable...uh...heft. Fat Lip throws McGee out of the ring and Nectarine has nowhere to go! She hangs on for as long as she can but has to tap before any more damage is done. LRI is up 2-1.
Strawberry McGee is now just the gosh darned angriest strawberry I've ever seen! No sugar coating this situation to her....maybe chocolate coating though. Mmmm... Uh, as I was saying, McGee even goes to grab a chair but the referee (Coach) takes it away from him. This allows Fat Lip to get the literal jump on him. And as McGee is balancing Fat Lip on his neck and trying to pry his fingers out of his eyes, Stuart hits a low dropkick to the front of the knee of McGee (heehee), sending him crashing to the mat and Fat Lip landing on top of him with a modified Calf Branding! Ouch. That was NOT a good fall, fans. Fat Lip covers and gets the pin with no resistance. LRI has won this in record time.
L.S.A. (X) [Shoulderberry Calf Branding - 3:50] (O) LRI
And it's upsetting behavior like this that has lost LRI so many fans but won them so many of their matches. The fans are not happy about this at all and for good reason. Nectarine may have a broken leg and Strawberry may have a concussion. And LRI, they have their fourth win and a shot at taking the lead in their block going into the final week of league competition.
Next up is a match between the 2-2 ARMADA and 1-3 Black Venom. Black Venom has really tasted some bittersweet defeats in this league, having come so close to victory only to have it snatched out from under them at the last minute. ARMADA started off shaky but has had an incredible streak of victories since then and appear to have a lot of momentum. While both LRI and TMG are ahead of them in rankings, ARMADA is not yet out of the running to at least tie for the lead by the end. Unfortunately for a lot of teams, they aren't statistically able to even do that (boo numbers!) and this week ends any hopes of them winning this league. Hopefully they'll still try their hardest and be proud of their efforts!! Or at least seek a friend and a warm cup of cocoa. Let's get to the ring and see if ARMADA can keep their Battalion hopes alive.
Match #2: Black Venom vs. ARMADA
Kemnebi/Kurobara vs. Galcian/Ramirez
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And again - Black Venom gets SO close and gives probably their best effort of the entire league but it just wasn't enough. They even eliminated Galcian, I hope his knee's ok, that kick looked hard (!), but Ramirez definitely just earned the respect of the fans here! Without a doubt this was THE best match of Ramirez' Battalion and he won with his poetically named finisher!! Good work!! That was an incredible match and the fans are giving both teams their deserved applause!
Black Venom (X) ["Silver Eclipse" - 39:25] (O) ARMADA
And for our final Block D match we have the 3-1 Team Moon Gas against the surprisingly 2-3 PTFW team. I say surprisingly cause they were really set to do some damage in this block but kept getting conned out of victories due to their own allies getting them into uncomfortable, awkward, and bad situations!! From LRI fooling them repeatedly to the situation between LRI and BINGO-1 getting hairy, PTFW has been in the middle of a lot of wars that didn't benefit them to be involved in! But now they are against a team that has no past history with them or their allies. And Martin Fairbairn has come out motivated and ANGRY. TMG may have a problem here as this is by far the angriest we've seen Martin before a match in this league. Meanwhile TMG is coming out in anime inspired robot outfits and oh no - that just irritated Martin even more as he's calling them "poofters" or something that likely doesn't reflect well on the personal lives of TMG! Martin doesn't waste a second and rips their robot costumes off!! Oh this is bad!!
Match #3: Pure Technical F'n Wrestling vs. Team Moon Gas 200Y
Martin Fairbairn/Jimmy Cliffs vs. Sam McCloud/OTAKU
Sam yells out: "I paid 200 yen for this!" and that sounds like a LOT to me but PTFW doesn't offer to reimburse them for the damaged costume. Instead, Martin and Sam are brawling on the ramp now. This plays right into PTFW's favor as Martin is probably the best brawler in the entire UBL. And as angry as Sam is with his early Halloween outfit being destroyed, he's just not up to Martin's level when it comes to fist'a'cuffs. This sets the pace of the match as PTFW has successfully gotten TMG outside of their comfort zones of wrestling and into the backgrounds brawlerdom of Martin and Jimmy. This is especially a problem for the smaller OTAKU who simply can not even faze the angry Martin and falls to a particularly nasty punching combination. Jimmy cuts off Sam and Martin mounts OTAKU, raining down brutal headbutts until OTAKU submits, giving PTFW a 2-1 lead.
Martin tags out to Jimmy for a breather and even though it looks like PTFW have this in hand, Sam is just starting to warm up. As Jimmy goes for an over head double axe handle, Sam yells out FALCON PUNCH and hits him with a HUGE rushing punch to the stomach! The crowd LOVES this and watches as Jimmy's eyes pop out while he falls to one knee gasping for air!! Sam runs the ropes, making sure to knock Martin off the apron, and then smashes Jimmy with a shining wizard! He goes for the cover and gets it, now we're tied up!
Martin is a bit stunned from taking the fall to the floor. He gets into the ring and Sam start laying into him with a wild assortment of difficult to counter strikes. Sam may be putting this away- Oh no, it's LRI! LRI is out and they begin to beat on the downed OTAKU outside the ring. Sam sees this and goes to try to help but Martin absolutely levels him with a lariat to the back of the head! Sam is down and as he wobbly tries to get up, Martin hits a reverse powerbomb for the quick win out of nowhere!
PTFW (O) [Reverse Powerbomb - 15:40] (X) TMG 200Y
LRI gave PTFW a bit of restitution here but I don't think it was because of any kindred bond! LRI knew that if they cost TMG the victory, that LRI would be the leading team in Block D! They may have done more then just stolen this win for PTFW, they may have finished stealing the block for themselves! But one thing they are going to have to contend with is the fact that they face TMG at the final show of this Battalion!! And you know they are gonna want revenge after what just happened here!! And if LRI loses to TMG, then we'll have a 3 way tie in Block D between these two teams AND whoever wins between ARMADA and BINGO-1 Heroes that night!! It is all coming down to the final show for this exciting and competitive Block!!
INTERMISSION
Whoo - well that was sure something!! We better cool things down a bit with some cool lime intermission text. And a quick trip to the merchandise- no wait, can't do that anymore, Drake don't like it! Too bad too cause the Japanese have the COOLEST UBL merchandise I have EVER seen! Like wrestler cell phone straps and all kinds of knick knacks I'd spend my entire years paycheck on! And some particular native brand knockoffs like a "Hello Rousseau" stuffed plush! Oh my, I just have to bring back gifts for all my friends back home!!!! But first, let's get to the next Interblock match! We have a lot of big guys in that ring...and Crab Juice!! Let's see if Khlah Kalash and Kwyjibo can be handled by the BINGO-1 Heroes team!!
Interblock Match: SNUH vs. BINGO-1 Heroes
Kwjibo/Khlau Kalash/Crab Juice vs. D.F. Allen/Tommy BONGO/Tax
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And whaddya' know? They can!! Khlau and Kwyjibo aren't too used to being up against such a big team, perhaps even being outweighed while having to look out for their smaller beverage friend. And given the state of anger (New Jersey?) that BINGO-1 has been in after all that happened with Johnny and LRI and PTFW and everything...I think they took some of their frustration out on SNUH. Most importantly, they didn't get injured - as they have a VERY big match against ARMADA at the final show!
SNUH (X) [BONGO BOMBAH - 18:55] (O) BINGO-1 Heroes
And now I have a special scoop for you!! During the show, my sources told me that there was a sighting of a very important wrestler in UBL's history. So I made it my mission to track him down (through time if necessary) and try to interview with him. Now, I don't always agree with Sergeant Yoshida but in this case he was right, this guy is a MEANIE. I'm talking about none other then...the Cosmic K*I*D. I found him standing stoically in the front row and went up to talk to him. Here's the interview!
[MJC:] "Hello! I'm Jean Carter and-"
[K*I*D:] "I know who you are - you echo the lies the boss tells you to."
[MJC:] "Right...um, so I was gonna go with 'pleased to meet you' but-"
[K*I*D:] "What do you want?"
[MJC:] "I wanted to interview you! You're the first major star that came out of the old UBL-
[K*I*D:] "The first UBL was the real UBL. Then Drake took over and this place no placed a priority on entertaining the fans but rather feeding the egos and violent desires of the wrestlers Drake maneuvered to be on top for his own monetary gain."
[MJC:] "That's a lot of stuff you just said!! But I do agree that early UBL was very entertaining!I That whole Space-Time Continuum Title was well um...LAWL'ish?"
[K*I*D:] "You'll find your american pop culture references are lost on me."
[MJC:] "So much for my "where's the beef" punchline. Now, I couldn't help but notice that despite being in the audience, you're wearing your old attire from when you used to wrestle here before you got fired-"
[K*I*D:] "More lies Drake told you? I wasn't fired, I quit. I was the last legitimate UBL Champion."
[MJC:] "Well guys like Geese and Thunder Strke might disagree, Marauder and Jack Dod too!"
[K*I*D:] "All pawns of Yoshida in their own way. Especially *spits* Geese."
[MJC:] "Yeah I'm not sure if anyone told you this but spitting is really disgusting and a nasty habit and may be indicative of early childhood traumas that you should work out slowly through therapy. ALSO, Geese is now the owner of the UBL and Drake is his employee."
[K*I*D:] "So Geese and Drake swapped positions and now UBL is even worse then it was when Drake owned it. Big difference."
[MJC:] "Ok if you hate Geese, Drake, and apparently everyone so much, why did you pay top yen to sit in the first row and watch a UBL show wearing your old attire? Nostalgia?"
[K*I*D:] "I don't have to give you a reason."
[MJC:] "Didn't the fans used to love you? Why are you so mean now!? For someone who hates the new UBL for allgedly 'not entertaining the fans and giving them fun,' you, you're so cross that you make Thunder Strike look like a newborn kitten rolling around in an ice cream cone amusement park on pizza snack night!"
[K*I*D:] "...We're done here."
[MJC:] "And a very merry Xmas to you too, Cosmic Scrooge! Hmph!"
Rude Rude RUDE. I called up Luke Kisiera afterwards to tell him what happened and he told me that at least I didn't have to deal with Pot Bellah again. He's right too. Thanks Luke!
Block A
Ok and we're halfway through the show and now it's time for some Block A action! And you're in for a real treat as we have our first video of a 4CPW match for you! Let's see if they can improve on their 2-2 record against the very impressive 2-2 Team Kaboom! Now I know, ole Jeany said 2-2 for both but the level of competition that Team Kaboom defeated was a bit higher! The team that wins here will be potentially tied for the lead with JUSTICE and SNUH. Let's see which one pulls out the victory!
Match #4: Team KABOOM vs. Team 4CPW
Hector Smyth/Jack Carter vs. Minus/Darren Doomsday
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Hector Smyth was a man possessed in that match!! He defeated both opponents and really turned it up at the end! 4CPW had their chances but they could not overtake the very motivated Team KABOOM here. The fans seemed to be excitedly chanting "Travis" at Darren, I have no idea why.
Team KABOOM (O) [Rolling Prawn Hold - 22:02] (X) Team 4CPW
Next we have two teams that most fans do not like because of their cheating and meanness. The 1-3 Cuban Assassins face the 2-2 Busch Boyz. Both Duz and Raz eventually got tired enough from doing all the work in their Battalion so finally Duz had to take a break and the third member of their Battalion, their manager, Mastah P is gonna wrestler tonight. That definitely gives an advantage to the Cubans here.
Match #5: Cuban Assassins vs. Busch Brothers
Lorenzo/Bobby vs. Mastah P/Raz
Raz starts off for his team and the Cubans are making smart work of quick tagging to wear out Raz. They know that once Mastah P tags in, he's gonna have trouble due to his lack of experience and size. Lorenzo and Bobby are using this opportunity to really wear down Raz to the point that he HAS to make the tag, but Mastah P backs up, clearly afraid to get into the ring, while mouthing off all tough like at the same time. If you're so tough, why not get in the ring!? Sheesh!!
Raz can only hang on for so long and what can I say fans, some matches in a large league like this are just mismatches! if Duz was healthy, he and Raz could give serious effort here but after that long match with J.U.S.T.I.C.E, he needed a break. And Raz just can't hold on and falls to a double team shining wizard from Bobby off the shoulders of Lorenzo! Incredible move and Raz is out. Mastah P takes a look around, considers his options, and runs away to get counted out. And I can't exactly say that was a bad move for him but the crowd doesn't like his cowardice one bit. The Cuban Assassins don't seem to mind the easy victory!
Cuban Assassins (O) [Powerbomb - 15:14] (X) Busch Brothers
And now it's time for the main event! J.U.S.T.I.C.E. at 3-2 vs Snake Mountain at 2-2! And this is SO big for so very many reasons!! You folks like lists? With bullet points? And cat stickers? You're gonna get it! Well without the cat stickers, I used them all on a postcard to my gramma. Onto the list!
* Three of these wrestlers came from the old UBL - Thunder Strike, Naja Mask, and Marauder!
* Back then, Naja Mask and Marauder constantly competed with Thunder Strike, and Geese, for the Battalion Championship AND the Universal Championship!
* Naja Mask and Marauder defeated Thunder Strike and Jason Hyde at the first UBL Open show in 2007.
* If J.U.S.T.I.C.E. win tonight, they clinch a tie for the block lead, at the very least. And if SNUH loses at the next Block A show, J.U.S.T.I.C.E. will win the Block and head to the Finale tournament!
There ya go!! The fans know what is at stake too as they are cheering the loudest they have all night!! And wow, I've never seen Thunder Strike get such a spirited reception either! The fans are really loving his quiet intensity, they're eating it up here! Jason Hyde is also getting a lot of respect and there are a number of Dragon Isle fans with Jason Hyde signs. (the same fans were NOT so happy to see Black Venom earlier despite their DIPW roots). Even Naja and Marauder are getting the love of the fans, more for Marauder really. But while many fans in other regions tend to laugh at Naja, the fans here are quiet and respectful having seen him at his best. Not to say he's in an awful rut and seriously needs to consider a career change, but many have said that he hasn't evolved at the same rate as Geese, Thunder, and Marauder have. But Naja is still one of the most dangerous tag wrestlers in the UBL and we've seen him primarily responsible for many of the Snake Mountain victories in this league with his ring general abilities. But he's not the only one that knows a little something about warfare as Thunder Strike looks more focused then he has the entire league. He knows whats at stake, and he wants this victory badly. I haven't seen him this focused since his previous match with Geese, actually, to give you an idea of his mindset. As for Marauder, he seems almost surprised at the good reaction he has gotten from the fans.
While Marauder is momentarily star struck, Naja Mask is still lurking outside the ring. And it looks like he has a chair! And he isn't using it traditionally to take a load off! Rather, he rolls into the ring and winds up to smash Jason Hyde on the head with it but Marauder takes it away from him before he has the chance to swing!! Naja is LIVID, hissing and making all kinds of noises an angry snake would make in humanoid form! But Marauder wants to wrestle this match fairly and squarely and throws the chair aside! Good for you, Marauder! I'm gonna send you a gold star in the mail!! And now, it looks like we're ready for the match!!
Match #6: J.U.S.T.I.C.E. vs. Snake Mountain
Jason Hyde/Thunder Strike vs. Naja Mask/Marauder
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What a match!! After a tough 30 minutes of action, including agonizing minutes of Naja Mask interference, Jason Hyde is able to pin Marauder cleanly in the middle of the ring! Naja Mask may have both saved and cost his team the victory at various points in the match and while Marauder tried to hang on, Jason Hyde looked the sharpest he has the whole league! This was the Jason Hyde we saw that defeated Orochi Geese and Jack Dod in the Universal Championship league! And Thunder Strike was on his game as well.
J.U.S.T.I.C.E. (O) [Misteriorana - 36:38] (X) Snake Mountain
And now Naja is having some words with Marauder. He appears to be scolding him for not taking full advantage of Naja's multiple distractions of the referee. And Marauder is angry that Naja Mask kept trying to cheat on behalf of the team!! To add to this frustration, Snake Mountain has now been statistically eliminated from any chances of winning the Battalion!! So no matter what, we are guaranteed NEW Battalion Champions this year!! While that may be exciting for us, I know two wrestlers that aren't so pleased about that. Naja leaves the ring hissing to himself while Marauder observes Thunder and Jason getting cheered by the audience. They look at Marauder and slowly walk over, tentatively extending their hands. Marauder goes to shake them...their hands, that is, when Naja comes back into the ring with ANOTHER chair and goes to hit Jason again (is Jason wearing some kind of snake attracting cologne?), but Marauder jumps in front of the swing and takes the hit instead!! Wow!!
But here's where it got strange, folks! Rather then try again to hit Jason, Naja goes to hit the fallen Marauder!!! But Thunder knocks the chair out of his grasp with the Cacapho-knee!! Then Jason dropkicks Naja out of the ring! The two help Marauder up as the fans are going nuts at this point! Is this the breakup of Snake Mountain!? Naja has never outright attacked Marauder before even if we've seen him push Marauder into opponents to raise their ire. This was a direct attack though! It looks like this situation is gonna get interesting. But, in the meantime, Marauder gets back up on his feet with the help of Thunder and Jason and then finally shakes their hands to a huge uproar of applause!! No matter what happens in this league, we can say J.U.S.T.I.C.E. and now Marauder are true champions because of their KINDNESS. Hear that, UBL? Kindness counts towards rankings now.
(Drake's note: "No it doesn't. And you've been docked in pay for saying that.")
Folks, this show is over and two UBL originals are standing tall with what many believe to be the future of UBL in Jason Hyde!! That's all we have for you tonight! Join John Randolph for the next UBL Open show soon! And Battalion action is coming to you next in a non-disclosed high security area! Find out where when we come to you next, just three shows away from the conclusion of the league! Sayonara!!!!