"Debbie Downer"
Feb 20, 2019 17:11:03 GMT -5
Post by OrochiGeese on Feb 20, 2019 17:11:03 GMT -5
*The camera fades in on the back of Kurt Sanders. He is wearing a sweaty, pit-stained, tank top in a garage workshop. He appears to be sanding something on a work bench. As the camera zooms in closer, we see him using the Universal Circuit Championship Belt to sand a large piece of wood. Kurt sighs, wipes his head with a nearby "Wrestle Quest: The Game!" shirt which he is using as a sweat rag, and turns to the camera with a big, ambitious smile.*
[Kurt:] "I've never been afraid of hard work as long as the results are worth it. That's been my attitude in the ring and out of it. Over the past few years, I've taken up wood working. I realized it's good to have a hobby and actually build something of my own while tearing down the dreams of others. Plus, I used to spend way too much time on the road with Kazuo Saji. After walking in on him 'polishing the chrome,' I realized the old adage is true: Idle hands really are the devil's playthings."
*Kurt makes a crude up and down motion with his hand then laughs.*
[Kurt:] "So what I've been doing over the past few months is coming up with a trophy case for my UBL Championships. I've already taken the new 'Cirshit' Title and figured, why not use that to help me frame the others? I've been using the belt to sand a piece of wood which will turn into a cabinet for the other Championships. I already got the labels ready."
*The camera pans to see the Kurt-ified names on the wall near open spaces*
[Kurt:] "Let's see, we got the 'Buttalion Title' that I plan on winning with Jasper Woodruff. It's too bad we gotta take it too since it's name is perfect for that fatass diaper-wearing Yoshirozuna. Then there's the "NOXIOUS" Title which the now hilarious Matt Rivers holds. I'm gonna wait on claiming that one for a little bit just cause he's expertly trolling everyone right now. I'll even admit it - I got you all wrong, Matt. I thought you were a choir boy but it turns out you just saved your sinning til it counted the most. At first I was pissed that you got all the hate at 'Lunar Eclipse' but real recognizes real. Playing the long game like that was genius. So you earned the right to wave that title in the face of everyone who worshiped your purity. But you will lose that Title - either in a match or because I eventually get tired of hearing about Destiny.
As for you Tetsu..."
*The camera pans back to Kurt who holds up the scratched Circuit Title belt.*
[Kurt:] "Let's just make this crystal clear, which is sure clearer than these trophy plates are now. If you want a chance to hold this tattered belt again, you're gonna have to grant me any match I want on this next tour. And by the way, I'm now calling it the 'Debbie Downer' tour since that sounds a helluva lot better than Debased.
First, I want you and RYOMA to face Jasper and I so that the UBL sees we deserve a Buttalion Title match. Then I want another match with you, but one that you choose, so the world sees I'm better than you on your own terms. Finally, I want a rematch for this Championship. I don't even care who its against or if you defend that Title to make it to our match. I want it guaranteed that I get a Universal Circuit Title shot at the last show of this tour and you better make that happen. Cause if you don't play ball, you and UBL lose this piece of hardware forever. I'll sell it for gold so Jasper has something shiny to look at while his IQ continues to plummet. But as dumb as that man is, he's strong as an ox. So we look forward to messin' you boys up real soon. Just don't get your hopes up - I won't be bringing the Belt with me. You won't even get another look at it until the climax of Debbie Downer. Get Saji some tissues just for hearing that."
*Kurt laughs and the camera turns off*
[Kurt:] "I've never been afraid of hard work as long as the results are worth it. That's been my attitude in the ring and out of it. Over the past few years, I've taken up wood working. I realized it's good to have a hobby and actually build something of my own while tearing down the dreams of others. Plus, I used to spend way too much time on the road with Kazuo Saji. After walking in on him 'polishing the chrome,' I realized the old adage is true: Idle hands really are the devil's playthings."
*Kurt makes a crude up and down motion with his hand then laughs.*
[Kurt:] "So what I've been doing over the past few months is coming up with a trophy case for my UBL Championships. I've already taken the new 'Cirshit' Title and figured, why not use that to help me frame the others? I've been using the belt to sand a piece of wood which will turn into a cabinet for the other Championships. I already got the labels ready."
*The camera pans to see the Kurt-ified names on the wall near open spaces*
[Kurt:] "Let's see, we got the 'Buttalion Title' that I plan on winning with Jasper Woodruff. It's too bad we gotta take it too since it's name is perfect for that fatass diaper-wearing Yoshirozuna. Then there's the "NOXIOUS" Title which the now hilarious Matt Rivers holds. I'm gonna wait on claiming that one for a little bit just cause he's expertly trolling everyone right now. I'll even admit it - I got you all wrong, Matt. I thought you were a choir boy but it turns out you just saved your sinning til it counted the most. At first I was pissed that you got all the hate at 'Lunar Eclipse' but real recognizes real. Playing the long game like that was genius. So you earned the right to wave that title in the face of everyone who worshiped your purity. But you will lose that Title - either in a match or because I eventually get tired of hearing about Destiny.
As for you Tetsu..."
*The camera pans back to Kurt who holds up the scratched Circuit Title belt.*
[Kurt:] "Let's just make this crystal clear, which is sure clearer than these trophy plates are now. If you want a chance to hold this tattered belt again, you're gonna have to grant me any match I want on this next tour. And by the way, I'm now calling it the 'Debbie Downer' tour since that sounds a helluva lot better than Debased.
First, I want you and RYOMA to face Jasper and I so that the UBL sees we deserve a Buttalion Title match. Then I want another match with you, but one that you choose, so the world sees I'm better than you on your own terms. Finally, I want a rematch for this Championship. I don't even care who its against or if you defend that Title to make it to our match. I want it guaranteed that I get a Universal Circuit Title shot at the last show of this tour and you better make that happen. Cause if you don't play ball, you and UBL lose this piece of hardware forever. I'll sell it for gold so Jasper has something shiny to look at while his IQ continues to plummet. But as dumb as that man is, he's strong as an ox. So we look forward to messin' you boys up real soon. Just don't get your hopes up - I won't be bringing the Belt with me. You won't even get another look at it until the climax of Debbie Downer. Get Saji some tissues just for hearing that."
*Kurt laughs and the camera turns off*