Second Dimension - May 13, 2022
Jun 28, 2022 5:03:41 GMT -5
Post by OrochiGeese on Jun 28, 2022 5:03:41 GMT -5
"The Randolph Report"
Event: "2nd Dimension”
Date Held: Friday, May 13, 2022
Date Posted: Tuesday, June 28, 2022
Location: "Peter Venkman Memorial Arena" in Westchester, New York.
Hello and welcome back to the Universal Battle League! I’m John Randolph and am delighted to be delivering the report of our first Dimensional event in over two years. We have returned after the long hiatus following the Continuum III event on December 13, 2020. And while I truly don’t know what’s or who is in store for us tonight, at least we are here with a shot at building some momentum again.
We have an exciting card ranging with debuts, a special showcase match for the Basic Training program, and a Universal Circuit Title defense from our Champion, THRASH Ogawa. But first we are contractually obligated to give some time to the Gauntlet group as a result of the negotiations ending our hiatus. We aren’t required to give them musical accompaniment to their entrance, so they are just standing in the ring right now without any tunes that could endear them to the audience. No fan is going to be humming their songs during their commute to work on Monday. That’s harsh for Gauntlet but perhaps not quite as harsh as it is for us in having to listen to them: knowing full well that they are the reason why we have had so many breaks in action over the past few years.
Jarec stands in the middle of the ring surrounded by APEX, Summit, John Matthews, Russ Masters, and a few masked Gauntlet guards. They also seem to have group rate tickets for the entire first two rows in the crowd. There are masked Gauntlet guards occupying that seating area (and standing like real jerks when others know when to sit down). They are a menacing presence to the actual fans and have so far spent exactly zero dollars in the food and concessions area. The jokes on them though: our shows are comically long and even mercenaries get hungry and thirsty.
Jarec is, of course, the maniacal leader of Gauntlet. Masters is the one who caused that fiery explosion to engulf Mr. Clyde at the end of Continuum. And from their disturbing comments last week, it’s clear that they are just getting started. APEX and Summit stand there emotionless. As part of the deal to allow the UBL to return to action, APEX was recently released by Jakob of Furis in exchange for Dr. Schassberg who had been abducted by Gauntlet years ago. Summit shouldn’t even be standing now after what Alicia Gordon did to him at Continuum III. That type of neck injury doesn’t heal this quickly. APEX and Summit still appear to be Jeff and Jack Monroe but are further along in whatever devolution has been thrust on them. Both of these “men” appear to be even larger than they were before. Their skin looks even greyer and more synthetic as well. As “Mean” Jean Carter would say, eat those vitamins, kids!!
For his part, Jarec appears to not be moving his left arm at all. I’m not really supposed to talk much about this in detail, but it was his left shoulder that Mr. Clyde uh…made the type of “holey” that even Destiny wouldn’t have prayed to it. I don’t see a sling or a brace, but his motions seem intentional to not draw too much attention to the fact that his left arm is like a dangling piece of meat. You’d think the owner of a mercenary group would have decent health care but 2022 is a helluva drug.
Jarec is holding a microphone with his presumably still-functional right arm. Let’s take a listen.
[Jarec:] “Congratulations to UBL on delivering on the bare minimum. But one show is an aberration, not a success. Gauntlet is winning the war, and everyone knows it. In the past three years, UBL has continued to atrophy while we have only grown stronger.”
(John’s note: “Yeah, stronger - exactly what I think when I look at that arm too.”)
[Jarec:] “The simple truth is that you need us. Without our involvement, this show could not have occurred. Without my pardon for what that filthy ninja did, Wingate would still be held up in litigation. If you want to behave like a functional organization, you will continue to fulfill the conditions we have set forth during our negotiations. After all, Gauntlet makes good on their promises. We had our first demand met - the peaceful return of APEX - and that meant a certain sensitive vampire got his favorite doctor back. I’m sure Schassberg and Furis are sharing recipes for Memorial Day barbeque as we speak. My next demand is for us to formally compete in the UBL. Only I can guide it to new heights.”
The audience comes to their feet at the arrival of someone to the entrance ramp. It’s our Universal Circuit Champion and the “Renaissance Man” of Continuum III, THRASH Ogawa. Remember how calm he looked at the end of his tag match with William King that night? Yeah, he looks the opposite of that. I’m getting heartburn from the fire in his eyes … or perhaps from the "Thrashed potatoes ograwa'tin" dish that I shouldn’t have gotten from the concession stand before the show started.
[THRASH:] “You’ve couldn’t guide sh*t into a toilet. That’s probably why the wonder twins look like that now.”
*THRASH points to APEX and Summit as the crowd laughs uneasily*
[Jarec:] “Quite a daring interruption, Mr. Ogawa. But it’s best you return to your strengths like discussing comics with Geese Walker. You simply have no business here. ”
*THRASH spits*
[THRASH:] “Really? I have no business here? You’re just finding that out now? That’s the f’n problem! I have no business anywhere as long as Gauntlet clogs up our pipes. How could we expect to do our jobs when you don’t even know how to do yours?”
*THRASH has a look of utter frustration and contempt on his face.*
[THRASH:] “That’s right, everyone – let me introduce you to the only mercenaries in history who make the fighting stop! You get in one fire fight then turn tail and run. Since then, it’s been a year and a half of listening to your vague threats. But you never follow up on anything since you wouldn’t let us run shows. So it’s because of you assholes that I haven’t been able to defend my Title in over a year. You see what I did to Kurt and Jasper when they got in my way?”
*The crowd murmurs in agreement which Jarec seems to acknowledge.
[Jarec:] “I have an elegant solution to your problem. If you’re looking for the fight of your life, how about you put your Title on the line against one of us? Or do you need to be slapped by Kyle Walker first before you make any decisions?”
*The crowd ooohs at this but THRASH ignores it.*
[THRASH:] “You think years of your bullsh*t can be settled in one match? This isn’t just affecting me. An entire generation of wrestlers are being cheated out of their careers because of you. Thanks to Destiny and Gauntlet, we’ve had ten years of hiatuses and interruptions to events.”
[Jarec:] *laughs* “Oh, what’s to be done about Gauntlet?”
[THRASH:] “Funny you ask. I don’t claim to be a leader like you do. But I actually get sh*t done. And it wasn’t hard to gather up a posse to pop the pimple on ubble’s ass.”
Almost the entire locker room from the Continuum and Dimensional tours march out and approaches the ring. Russ Masters tries to throw a fireball at the approaching army, but he misses and can't seem to reload in time. It's too many people for Gauntlet to fight so Jarec orders a retreat.
However, the masked guards in the audience unmask and jump the barrier. It’s not Gauntlet, at all! It’s the entire 30-man strong Basic Training program roster! An outnumbered and surrounded Gauntlet is rolled back into the ring. THRASH blows his “Thrashes to Ashes” fireball in Russ Master’s face! RYOMA practically takes Jarec’s head off with a tremendous head-hold lariat. Yoshirozuna lays APEX out with the “Sumoshiro Slam” while El Pálido Fantasma knocks Summit out from behind with his Eskrima-style baston sticks. JET Hamada practically rips the arm off of John Matthews with a vicious kimura. Kazuo Saji deals out cutters to the legitimate masked members of Gauntlet Security.
Finally, J.U.S.T.I.C.E. comes out. Thunder Strike's expression is difficult to discern but I’m picking up more floral notes of pleasant surprise rather than reluctant anger. THRASH, RYOMA, Kazuo Saji, JET Hamada, and Yoshirozuna grab each main member of Gauntlet and drag them over to Thunder Strike.
THRASH punches Jarec one more time in his bad shoulder then a smirk forms on his face. He suddenly unmasks Jarec, exposing his identity as….wait, what? It’s some guy we’ve never seen before!
(John’s note: Who else is rejoicing that it wasn’t Kyle Walker under that mask?)
If punching Jarec in that speared shoulder wasn’t insult to injury, ending his sense of mystery sure was. Jarec has finally been burned. And Thunder is rightfully shocked that one of his biggest enemies for decades has been exposed to the world and hand-delivered to him. Thunder and his J.U.S.T.I.C.E. allies place Gauntlet in zip ties then roughly escort them off the stage to the cheers of the fans. I can’t even fully process what we’re seeing here. The implications are blowing my mind – is UBL finally free?
*While everyone reflects on the events, we take a ten-minute break to secure the ring area, locate any errant Gauntlet members, clean the mat of Gauntlet blood, and allow the paying crowd to re-fill on snacks.*
When we return, we’re greeted to yet another gathering in the ring. Sixteen of the Basic Training wrestlers surround the ring. The Field Leader of the program, Barton Miller, walks down to the ring holding a microphone. He gets a huge round of applause from the fans and nods in appreciation.
[Barton:] “Everyone just did their part to ensure that the future of UBL would be bright. It’s this group of rookies that was cheated the most by Gauntlet’s forced inertia. But now we are free to move forward with the momentum they deserve. So let’s get started.
June 3rd is the 15th Anniversary of the first UBL show. This year, it’s the date of “Summer School” - an event just for Basic Training. Let’s celebrate the past by looking to the future. And tonight, you’re all gonna get a preview of that as Ryuji Bansho from Class 1 faces Manny Gutierrez from Class 2.”
The crowd applauds Barton. I also want to add on an interesting historical tidbit that connects to what he said. During the May 13 edition of OG-Joshi Voltage in 2017, the UBL held its first match ever in the U.S under Geese’s ownership. It was a Battle Royale that previewed the Universal Championship league that was to formally start on June 3rd of that year. It’s fitting that tonight we’re going to get a match that previews the revamped and expanded Basic Training program coming to us at “Summer School”.
History is like one big ouroboros.
It appears that both competitors are now in the ring and about ready. This is the first time I’m seeing Manuel Gutierrez in competition. What I know is that he was a former bouncer in the New York City club scene and was discovered by an inebriated Kazuo Saji. What we can all see is that Manny is huge. As for Ryuji, we first saw him two years ago in the BT 3G event. That was part of the initial reboot of the Basic Training program before Barton set his sights much higher during the downtime that Gauntlet forced upon us. It appears that Ryuji has matured along with the program itself. He appears a little more composed and isn’t playing to the crowd quite as much as he did before. We’ll see if that newfound maturity helps him against the brick wall that is Manuel Gutierrez.
And uh, I don’t know if this is a result of Gauntlet’s decimation or negotiation with them and Devin Kunn before the show, but we’re allowed to post videos of our matches again!! It’s fitting that the first match we have broadcast in years is of the Basic Training program. Here’s to the future.
As Jean Carter has said on numerous occasions, “Today is tomorrow’s yesterday.”
Match 1: Ryuji Bansho vs. Manuel Gutierrez
*POST MATCH SPOILERS*
What a great match to kick off the new year for us! We saw shades of Ryuji’s showmanship, but he was able to contain his enthusiasm in key moments to provide a serious response to the gargantuan threat Manny offered. But even with that focus, Manny’s crushing strength won out. It seemed like Ryuji would pick up the win after that beautiful springboard rebound hurracanrana, but Manny kicked out and finished soon after with that debilitating upside-down bear hug.
Ryuji Bansho (X) [Hackenschmidt Bearhug - 13:52 ] (O) Manuel Gutierrez
Both men shake hands and get a well-deserve round of applause from the fans, Barton, and most of their fellow competitors. Notable hold-outs on the post-match love include Darryl Williamson, Javier Martez, Jorge Veneno, and Gerulf Sieger who is notoriously hard to please.
It’s now time for intermission!
”Basic Training” shirts sold like hot cakes tonight in both camouflage and plain black T-shirt design. THRASH Ogawa shirts were the top seller for any individual wrestler here tonight. After Gauntlet’s takedown, a bunch of their shirts were bought and then set aflame outside the arena. We don’t condone arson, fans. Use those shirts to line your bird cages, instead.
Over at the concessions stand, “Barton Burgers on the Barbie” sold great. These are a nod to Barton Miller’s Australian heritage and include BBQ shrimp on top of a hamburger. Yes, UBL got into the premium arena food trend too. Thanks to Gauntlet, we only had like two shows a year so how else are we going to stay in business without wildly overpriced food? “Barton Burgers” are also sold with an optional “Mozzarella Marauder Mask” which are about as hard on the tract as Marauder was on his opponent’s backs. Going the opposite direction, fans also enjoyed “El Exilio Enchiladas.” They just couldn’t wait to self-exile to the facilities and creatively utilize those Gauntlet shirts.*
We continue looking to UBL’s future in the next match as two new wrestlers make their debut. Todd Colton comes to us as one of the aces from the immensely popular Phoenix Rising promotion. We acquired “Big” John Fuller from the recent draft. He is a veteran from Buffalo Wrestling and was looking for a change of scenery and temperature. Yeah, it’s the same state but we’re at least a few degrees warmer here. Colton is the younger one but he’s far from a rookie. He has many miles on him from a career where, quite frankly, he pissed a lot of people off. If you don’t believe me, just watch his opening words from UBL and ask yourself how long you can go without wanting to slap him. Given how long he’s been waiting to finally debut, you have to figure he’s pumped up and going to give a memorable performance. But a stoic, veteran presence like Jon Fuller may find a way to exploit those emotions. This should be a very interesting match given the different roads these two men walked to get here.
Match 2: “Big” John Fuller vs. Todd Colton
*POST MATCH SPOILERS*
Colton’s finishing suplex was about as binding as one of those “Barton Burgers.” However, it was much more pleasing in context given the great resiliency that Todd showed leading up to it. After a highly competitive match, John Fuller almost won with a concussing cradle piledriver. I was amazed at Colton’s ability to rouse himself and kick out of the pin. I was shocked at his ability to regain his wherewithal so quickly that he was able to hook Fuller for that binding suplex. There may be doubts about Colton’s maturity but his talent just spoke for itself there. That was one of the most hard-fought debut matches that we had in recent history (no, not just because of the hiatuses) and both men deserve credit for that. John Fuller was impressive as well but tonight belonged to Todd Colton.
“Big” John Fuller (X) [Binding Suplex - 13:12 ] (O) Todd Colton
And we turn next to some tag action. At 1st Dimension, we saw the Barbershop narrowly lose to the impressive debuting Los Peregrines. However, despite the loss, Norman Deere and Billy Case impressed Drake Yoshida enough to get put in another match. Keep in mind that when the Barbershop debuted, they were already punchlines to a joke that Drake never asked. So Drake was pleasantly surprised to see their improvement and increased focus. He placed them against the SwashbuckLAWLers in tonight’s contest. Jack Flint and Henry Bailey are no strangers to our tag division: having competed in the Battalion Tournament and at other times in the past. They are a team that always seems on the verge of something bigger but can’t quite put it together. Whether it be Jack Flint’s penchant for extreme violence getting them disqualified, or Henry Bailey’s fun-loving nature that causes him to get distracted, their careers just haven’t sailed as far as many thought they could.
Tonight, both teams have an opportunity to make a significant step forward and put themselves in consideration as a top contender for the Universal Battalion Championships. On that note, Snakes on a Plane will be defending those Titles against El Exilio at the 3rd Dimension. Meanwhile, let’s see who could be one of the teams that vye for that Title. If you ever wanted to see barbers fight pirates, Luke Kisiera told me that you can go to the Barbery Coast on Puerto Pollo. I have no idea what that means though, and it sounds expensive. So since you’re already reading this report, perhaps the easier option is to just hear about the next match?
Match 3: Barbershop vs. SwashbuckLAWLers
Billy Case/Norman Deere vs. Jack Flint/Henry Bailey
The Barbershop came out with renewed purpose. And although Jack Flint is one of the scariest sailors on the seven seas, Billy Case made us remember the violence that he was capable of too. Back when the team first debuted, opponents were scared of what Billy was capable of. He showed shades of that fiercesome nature here against Jack. The two tore into each other for the first few minutes of the match. Jack eventually got the upper hand, forcing Billy to make the tag. And while Jack made his own tag to Henry Bailey, he wasn’t ready to leave the ring just yet. He yelled “man overboard” and Henry took the cue. He immediately tossed out Billy, leaving Norman wide open. This allowed Jack to dictate the pace of the rest of the match by cutting him open with a (presumably rusty) fork.
Sometimes an entire wrestling match can hinge on one moment. This was one of those times. From that point forward, the SwashbuckLAWLers dominated the match with quick tags and debilitating double team moves. Even when Norman made a “hot shave” tag back to Billy, he was against two fresh opponents. He wasn’t able to take on both men on his own and almost fell prey to defeat. Although he was able to make one final rally punctuated in another tag, it was hopeless. Norman could not channel all of the frustration from the match into one invincible blow. Rather, he took two steps into the ring and faceplanted. For good measure though, Jack Flint brought him to the corner for one final move.
And that was how the pirates defeated the barbershop duet. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Billy Case/Norman Deere (X) [ “Batten Down the Hatches” - 24:05 ] (O) Henry Bailey/Jack Flint
As the SwashbuckLAWLers were celebrating, tragedy struck in the form of a legendary northern menace! Armo Halla and Hjalmar Susi finally made their official UBL debuts! Just when the pirates thought they held the mantle for historical warriors, they were bested by vikings! First they took out Jack Flint!
Then they used VIKING POWAH to obliterate the massive Henry Bailey!
The vikings stood tall in the ring, pointing to the sky. I don’t know if they found Valhalla on this evening, though it’s just a few minutes away from the arena in another part of Westchester.
And now we turn to the main event of the evening. The Universal Circuit Championship is set to be defended by THASH Ogawa. However, we never received advance notice of who his opponent was going to be. THRASH comes down first in his ring gear, holding a microphone. Hopefully he’ll clear this mystery up.
[THRASH:] “I’m gonna keep it short this time since I actually got what I wanted earlier. *grins*. So let’s get down to real business. I’m making an open challenge to the back. First one out is the one to claim it. I don’t care who you are as long as you want to fight.”
A few minutes pass by without anyone coming through the curtain to claim this Title shot and it’s likely due to a locker room brawl. I can only imagine a melee forming in the back. I doubt everyone is as unified now as they were at the start of the show.
Suddenly “Wicked Child” plays on the house speakers and Jakob of Furis stalks his way down to ringside. The fans chant “holy shit” and no one imagined we’d get an encounter like this. Two of the toughest and most violent men ever to shed blood on a UBL ring apron are about to do battle. Furis is never one to back down but tonight he seems to have an extra sense of purpose as he stares down THRASH. To his credit, THRASH is practically gleeful by his usual measure. He looks like a kid on Christmas morning. THRASH looks happier right now than at any time at the start of the show. The ability to have battles against strong opponents like this is what he lives for. For a man who loves to get his hands dirty, there is a purity in his purpose. It’s clear that he will literally fight for what he believes in when what he believes in is fighting. The fans support for him seems to be growing as a result.
I honestly have no idea how this match will play out. Furis is arguably the fiercest warrior that THRASH has ever faced in a full match. (That honor would have gone to William King, but their match was ended right after it begun). And THRASH may be the most aggressive fighter that Furis has ever done battle with. I’ve never seen THRASH show the slightest bit of fear. I’ve also never seen Furis give up any ground, even against wrestlers with superior skills. This is going to be a donnybrook! Adding to this potential powder keg is a peculiar narrative that everyone seems unaware of other than Furis. As Eiji Yoshida shows Furis the Universal Circuit Championship belt that he’s fighting for, Furis takes it and throws it on the ground. Then he points to THRASH with a look of unbridled malice. I get that Furis is perennially angry but is there a personal reason that he stepped up for this open challenge? If so, THRASH seems completely unaware of it. However, he doesn’t seem angry at all at the disrespectful and threatening gestures. Rather, THRASH smiles and just mouths: “bring it on.” Let’s get to a match that may get so bloody that it could very well lead to another hiatus.
Universal Circuit Championship
Match 4: Jakob of Furis vs. THRASH Ogawa (c)
*POST MATCH SPOILERS*
The “THRASH CLASH” Neck Hanging Bomb officially ended the match, but I think most people agreed that Ogawa’s brutal headbutt is really what sealed the deal. The “oooohs” from the audience certainly reflected that awareness. Furis was able to kick out of that headbutt out of raw instinct. But I’ve never seen him take his time like that outside the ring regaining his composure. And he seemed to have no answer or strategy upon his return. To his credit though (and it’s hard for me to give him any), Furis fought … what’s an undead synonym of “valiantly?” Infernally? He clearly had a fang to pick with Ogawa, and THRASH’s bloody face is a testament to that. Furis also earned a few near falls, but it just wasn’t enough to extinguish the fire of competition that is burning withing THRASH right now.
Jakob of Furis (X) ["THRASH CLASH" - 15:05 ] (O) THRASH Ogawa
I think we’re seeing another first here as Jakob of Furis appears knocked out on his feet. After the bell rung (and not just the one inside Jakob’s head), he kept trying to fight but collapsed. He’s holding his head in agony, likely from that vicious headbutt delivered by THRASH. Furis curses THRASH right before falling unconscious. The medics rush to the ring, then slow down a little when they realize who they are attending to, but eventually help Furis out. I really hope he doesn’t have a concussion again. I simply don’t have the patience to see the next level of vampire he wants to devolve to. Nosfurisatu?
Meanwhile, THRASH holds up his successfully defended Universal Circuit Championship belt. While one would expect to see a smile on his face, instead we see a look of hunger. It looks like he just got a small taste of what he has wanted for the past two years, and he craves more. I can’t recall any one wrestler in UBL history who made out so successfully in one event yet left looking barely satiated. THRASH won’t rest until he’s fought everyone on the roster and beyond.
As for us, we’ve had enough resting lately. This isn’t a summer vacation for us. In the next few weeks, the Basic Training roster will bring you “Summer School” and the Continuum tour will continue with its fourth show. OG-Joshi will rise like a phoenix as their "After School Fun Special" Tour” starts this summer too. So sit back, stay hydrated, and remember to picnic responsibly.
Event: "2nd Dimension”
Date Held: Friday, May 13, 2022
Date Posted: Tuesday, June 28, 2022
Location: "Peter Venkman Memorial Arena" in Westchester, New York.
Hello and welcome back to the Universal Battle League! I’m John Randolph and am delighted to be delivering the report of our first Dimensional event in over two years. We have returned after the long hiatus following the Continuum III event on December 13, 2020. And while I truly don’t know what’s or who is in store for us tonight, at least we are here with a shot at building some momentum again.
We have an exciting card ranging with debuts, a special showcase match for the Basic Training program, and a Universal Circuit Title defense from our Champion, THRASH Ogawa. But first we are contractually obligated to give some time to the Gauntlet group as a result of the negotiations ending our hiatus. We aren’t required to give them musical accompaniment to their entrance, so they are just standing in the ring right now without any tunes that could endear them to the audience. No fan is going to be humming their songs during their commute to work on Monday. That’s harsh for Gauntlet but perhaps not quite as harsh as it is for us in having to listen to them: knowing full well that they are the reason why we have had so many breaks in action over the past few years.
Jarec stands in the middle of the ring surrounded by APEX, Summit, John Matthews, Russ Masters, and a few masked Gauntlet guards. They also seem to have group rate tickets for the entire first two rows in the crowd. There are masked Gauntlet guards occupying that seating area (and standing like real jerks when others know when to sit down). They are a menacing presence to the actual fans and have so far spent exactly zero dollars in the food and concessions area. The jokes on them though: our shows are comically long and even mercenaries get hungry and thirsty.
Jarec is, of course, the maniacal leader of Gauntlet. Masters is the one who caused that fiery explosion to engulf Mr. Clyde at the end of Continuum. And from their disturbing comments last week, it’s clear that they are just getting started. APEX and Summit stand there emotionless. As part of the deal to allow the UBL to return to action, APEX was recently released by Jakob of Furis in exchange for Dr. Schassberg who had been abducted by Gauntlet years ago. Summit shouldn’t even be standing now after what Alicia Gordon did to him at Continuum III. That type of neck injury doesn’t heal this quickly. APEX and Summit still appear to be Jeff and Jack Monroe but are further along in whatever devolution has been thrust on them. Both of these “men” appear to be even larger than they were before. Their skin looks even greyer and more synthetic as well. As “Mean” Jean Carter would say, eat those vitamins, kids!!
For his part, Jarec appears to not be moving his left arm at all. I’m not really supposed to talk much about this in detail, but it was his left shoulder that Mr. Clyde uh…made the type of “holey” that even Destiny wouldn’t have prayed to it. I don’t see a sling or a brace, but his motions seem intentional to not draw too much attention to the fact that his left arm is like a dangling piece of meat. You’d think the owner of a mercenary group would have decent health care but 2022 is a helluva drug.
Jarec is holding a microphone with his presumably still-functional right arm. Let’s take a listen.
[Jarec:] “Congratulations to UBL on delivering on the bare minimum. But one show is an aberration, not a success. Gauntlet is winning the war, and everyone knows it. In the past three years, UBL has continued to atrophy while we have only grown stronger.”
(John’s note: “Yeah, stronger - exactly what I think when I look at that arm too.”)
[Jarec:] “The simple truth is that you need us. Without our involvement, this show could not have occurred. Without my pardon for what that filthy ninja did, Wingate would still be held up in litigation. If you want to behave like a functional organization, you will continue to fulfill the conditions we have set forth during our negotiations. After all, Gauntlet makes good on their promises. We had our first demand met - the peaceful return of APEX - and that meant a certain sensitive vampire got his favorite doctor back. I’m sure Schassberg and Furis are sharing recipes for Memorial Day barbeque as we speak. My next demand is for us to formally compete in the UBL. Only I can guide it to new heights.”
The audience comes to their feet at the arrival of someone to the entrance ramp. It’s our Universal Circuit Champion and the “Renaissance Man” of Continuum III, THRASH Ogawa. Remember how calm he looked at the end of his tag match with William King that night? Yeah, he looks the opposite of that. I’m getting heartburn from the fire in his eyes … or perhaps from the "Thrashed potatoes ograwa'tin" dish that I shouldn’t have gotten from the concession stand before the show started.
[THRASH:] “You’ve couldn’t guide sh*t into a toilet. That’s probably why the wonder twins look like that now.”
*THRASH points to APEX and Summit as the crowd laughs uneasily*
[Jarec:] “Quite a daring interruption, Mr. Ogawa. But it’s best you return to your strengths like discussing comics with Geese Walker. You simply have no business here. ”
*THRASH spits*
[THRASH:] “Really? I have no business here? You’re just finding that out now? That’s the f’n problem! I have no business anywhere as long as Gauntlet clogs up our pipes. How could we expect to do our jobs when you don’t even know how to do yours?”
*THRASH has a look of utter frustration and contempt on his face.*
[THRASH:] “That’s right, everyone – let me introduce you to the only mercenaries in history who make the fighting stop! You get in one fire fight then turn tail and run. Since then, it’s been a year and a half of listening to your vague threats. But you never follow up on anything since you wouldn’t let us run shows. So it’s because of you assholes that I haven’t been able to defend my Title in over a year. You see what I did to Kurt and Jasper when they got in my way?”
*The crowd murmurs in agreement which Jarec seems to acknowledge.
[Jarec:] “I have an elegant solution to your problem. If you’re looking for the fight of your life, how about you put your Title on the line against one of us? Or do you need to be slapped by Kyle Walker first before you make any decisions?”
*The crowd ooohs at this but THRASH ignores it.*
[THRASH:] “You think years of your bullsh*t can be settled in one match? This isn’t just affecting me. An entire generation of wrestlers are being cheated out of their careers because of you. Thanks to Destiny and Gauntlet, we’ve had ten years of hiatuses and interruptions to events.”
[Jarec:] *laughs* “Oh, what’s to be done about Gauntlet?”
[THRASH:] “Funny you ask. I don’t claim to be a leader like you do. But I actually get sh*t done. And it wasn’t hard to gather up a posse to pop the pimple on ubble’s ass.”
Almost the entire locker room from the Continuum and Dimensional tours march out and approaches the ring. Russ Masters tries to throw a fireball at the approaching army, but he misses and can't seem to reload in time. It's too many people for Gauntlet to fight so Jarec orders a retreat.
However, the masked guards in the audience unmask and jump the barrier. It’s not Gauntlet, at all! It’s the entire 30-man strong Basic Training program roster! An outnumbered and surrounded Gauntlet is rolled back into the ring. THRASH blows his “Thrashes to Ashes” fireball in Russ Master’s face! RYOMA practically takes Jarec’s head off with a tremendous head-hold lariat. Yoshirozuna lays APEX out with the “Sumoshiro Slam” while El Pálido Fantasma knocks Summit out from behind with his Eskrima-style baston sticks. JET Hamada practically rips the arm off of John Matthews with a vicious kimura. Kazuo Saji deals out cutters to the legitimate masked members of Gauntlet Security.
Finally, J.U.S.T.I.C.E. comes out. Thunder Strike's expression is difficult to discern but I’m picking up more floral notes of pleasant surprise rather than reluctant anger. THRASH, RYOMA, Kazuo Saji, JET Hamada, and Yoshirozuna grab each main member of Gauntlet and drag them over to Thunder Strike.
THRASH punches Jarec one more time in his bad shoulder then a smirk forms on his face. He suddenly unmasks Jarec, exposing his identity as….wait, what? It’s some guy we’ve never seen before!
(John’s note: Who else is rejoicing that it wasn’t Kyle Walker under that mask?)
If punching Jarec in that speared shoulder wasn’t insult to injury, ending his sense of mystery sure was. Jarec has finally been burned. And Thunder is rightfully shocked that one of his biggest enemies for decades has been exposed to the world and hand-delivered to him. Thunder and his J.U.S.T.I.C.E. allies place Gauntlet in zip ties then roughly escort them off the stage to the cheers of the fans. I can’t even fully process what we’re seeing here. The implications are blowing my mind – is UBL finally free?
*While everyone reflects on the events, we take a ten-minute break to secure the ring area, locate any errant Gauntlet members, clean the mat of Gauntlet blood, and allow the paying crowd to re-fill on snacks.*
When we return, we’re greeted to yet another gathering in the ring. Sixteen of the Basic Training wrestlers surround the ring. The Field Leader of the program, Barton Miller, walks down to the ring holding a microphone. He gets a huge round of applause from the fans and nods in appreciation.
[Barton:] “Everyone just did their part to ensure that the future of UBL would be bright. It’s this group of rookies that was cheated the most by Gauntlet’s forced inertia. But now we are free to move forward with the momentum they deserve. So let’s get started.
June 3rd is the 15th Anniversary of the first UBL show. This year, it’s the date of “Summer School” - an event just for Basic Training. Let’s celebrate the past by looking to the future. And tonight, you’re all gonna get a preview of that as Ryuji Bansho from Class 1 faces Manny Gutierrez from Class 2.”
The crowd applauds Barton. I also want to add on an interesting historical tidbit that connects to what he said. During the May 13 edition of OG-Joshi Voltage in 2017, the UBL held its first match ever in the U.S under Geese’s ownership. It was a Battle Royale that previewed the Universal Championship league that was to formally start on June 3rd of that year. It’s fitting that tonight we’re going to get a match that previews the revamped and expanded Basic Training program coming to us at “Summer School”.
History is like one big ouroboros.
It appears that both competitors are now in the ring and about ready. This is the first time I’m seeing Manuel Gutierrez in competition. What I know is that he was a former bouncer in the New York City club scene and was discovered by an inebriated Kazuo Saji. What we can all see is that Manny is huge. As for Ryuji, we first saw him two years ago in the BT 3G event. That was part of the initial reboot of the Basic Training program before Barton set his sights much higher during the downtime that Gauntlet forced upon us. It appears that Ryuji has matured along with the program itself. He appears a little more composed and isn’t playing to the crowd quite as much as he did before. We’ll see if that newfound maturity helps him against the brick wall that is Manuel Gutierrez.
And uh, I don’t know if this is a result of Gauntlet’s decimation or negotiation with them and Devin Kunn before the show, but we’re allowed to post videos of our matches again!! It’s fitting that the first match we have broadcast in years is of the Basic Training program. Here’s to the future.
As Jean Carter has said on numerous occasions, “Today is tomorrow’s yesterday.”
Match 1: Ryuji Bansho vs. Manuel Gutierrez
*POST MATCH SPOILERS*
What a great match to kick off the new year for us! We saw shades of Ryuji’s showmanship, but he was able to contain his enthusiasm in key moments to provide a serious response to the gargantuan threat Manny offered. But even with that focus, Manny’s crushing strength won out. It seemed like Ryuji would pick up the win after that beautiful springboard rebound hurracanrana, but Manny kicked out and finished soon after with that debilitating upside-down bear hug.
Ryuji Bansho (X) [Hackenschmidt Bearhug - 13:52 ] (O) Manuel Gutierrez
Both men shake hands and get a well-deserve round of applause from the fans, Barton, and most of their fellow competitors. Notable hold-outs on the post-match love include Darryl Williamson, Javier Martez, Jorge Veneno, and Gerulf Sieger who is notoriously hard to please.
It’s now time for intermission!
”Basic Training” shirts sold like hot cakes tonight in both camouflage and plain black T-shirt design. THRASH Ogawa shirts were the top seller for any individual wrestler here tonight. After Gauntlet’s takedown, a bunch of their shirts were bought and then set aflame outside the arena. We don’t condone arson, fans. Use those shirts to line your bird cages, instead.
Over at the concessions stand, “Barton Burgers on the Barbie” sold great. These are a nod to Barton Miller’s Australian heritage and include BBQ shrimp on top of a hamburger. Yes, UBL got into the premium arena food trend too. Thanks to Gauntlet, we only had like two shows a year so how else are we going to stay in business without wildly overpriced food? “Barton Burgers” are also sold with an optional “Mozzarella Marauder Mask” which are about as hard on the tract as Marauder was on his opponent’s backs. Going the opposite direction, fans also enjoyed “El Exilio Enchiladas.” They just couldn’t wait to self-exile to the facilities and creatively utilize those Gauntlet shirts.*
We continue looking to UBL’s future in the next match as two new wrestlers make their debut. Todd Colton comes to us as one of the aces from the immensely popular Phoenix Rising promotion. We acquired “Big” John Fuller from the recent draft. He is a veteran from Buffalo Wrestling and was looking for a change of scenery and temperature. Yeah, it’s the same state but we’re at least a few degrees warmer here. Colton is the younger one but he’s far from a rookie. He has many miles on him from a career where, quite frankly, he pissed a lot of people off. If you don’t believe me, just watch his opening words from UBL and ask yourself how long you can go without wanting to slap him. Given how long he’s been waiting to finally debut, you have to figure he’s pumped up and going to give a memorable performance. But a stoic, veteran presence like Jon Fuller may find a way to exploit those emotions. This should be a very interesting match given the different roads these two men walked to get here.
Match 2: “Big” John Fuller vs. Todd Colton
*POST MATCH SPOILERS*
Colton’s finishing suplex was about as binding as one of those “Barton Burgers.” However, it was much more pleasing in context given the great resiliency that Todd showed leading up to it. After a highly competitive match, John Fuller almost won with a concussing cradle piledriver. I was amazed at Colton’s ability to rouse himself and kick out of the pin. I was shocked at his ability to regain his wherewithal so quickly that he was able to hook Fuller for that binding suplex. There may be doubts about Colton’s maturity but his talent just spoke for itself there. That was one of the most hard-fought debut matches that we had in recent history (no, not just because of the hiatuses) and both men deserve credit for that. John Fuller was impressive as well but tonight belonged to Todd Colton.
“Big” John Fuller (X) [Binding Suplex - 13:12 ] (O) Todd Colton
And we turn next to some tag action. At 1st Dimension, we saw the Barbershop narrowly lose to the impressive debuting Los Peregrines. However, despite the loss, Norman Deere and Billy Case impressed Drake Yoshida enough to get put in another match. Keep in mind that when the Barbershop debuted, they were already punchlines to a joke that Drake never asked. So Drake was pleasantly surprised to see their improvement and increased focus. He placed them against the SwashbuckLAWLers in tonight’s contest. Jack Flint and Henry Bailey are no strangers to our tag division: having competed in the Battalion Tournament and at other times in the past. They are a team that always seems on the verge of something bigger but can’t quite put it together. Whether it be Jack Flint’s penchant for extreme violence getting them disqualified, or Henry Bailey’s fun-loving nature that causes him to get distracted, their careers just haven’t sailed as far as many thought they could.
Tonight, both teams have an opportunity to make a significant step forward and put themselves in consideration as a top contender for the Universal Battalion Championships. On that note, Snakes on a Plane will be defending those Titles against El Exilio at the 3rd Dimension. Meanwhile, let’s see who could be one of the teams that vye for that Title. If you ever wanted to see barbers fight pirates, Luke Kisiera told me that you can go to the Barbery Coast on Puerto Pollo. I have no idea what that means though, and it sounds expensive. So since you’re already reading this report, perhaps the easier option is to just hear about the next match?
Match 3: Barbershop vs. SwashbuckLAWLers
Billy Case/Norman Deere vs. Jack Flint/Henry Bailey
The Barbershop came out with renewed purpose. And although Jack Flint is one of the scariest sailors on the seven seas, Billy Case made us remember the violence that he was capable of too. Back when the team first debuted, opponents were scared of what Billy was capable of. He showed shades of that fiercesome nature here against Jack. The two tore into each other for the first few minutes of the match. Jack eventually got the upper hand, forcing Billy to make the tag. And while Jack made his own tag to Henry Bailey, he wasn’t ready to leave the ring just yet. He yelled “man overboard” and Henry took the cue. He immediately tossed out Billy, leaving Norman wide open. This allowed Jack to dictate the pace of the rest of the match by cutting him open with a (presumably rusty) fork.
Sometimes an entire wrestling match can hinge on one moment. This was one of those times. From that point forward, the SwashbuckLAWLers dominated the match with quick tags and debilitating double team moves. Even when Norman made a “hot shave” tag back to Billy, he was against two fresh opponents. He wasn’t able to take on both men on his own and almost fell prey to defeat. Although he was able to make one final rally punctuated in another tag, it was hopeless. Norman could not channel all of the frustration from the match into one invincible blow. Rather, he took two steps into the ring and faceplanted. For good measure though, Jack Flint brought him to the corner for one final move.
And that was how the pirates defeated the barbershop duet. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Billy Case/Norman Deere (X) [ “Batten Down the Hatches” - 24:05 ] (O) Henry Bailey/Jack Flint
As the SwashbuckLAWLers were celebrating, tragedy struck in the form of a legendary northern menace! Armo Halla and Hjalmar Susi finally made their official UBL debuts! Just when the pirates thought they held the mantle for historical warriors, they were bested by vikings! First they took out Jack Flint!
Then they used VIKING POWAH to obliterate the massive Henry Bailey!
The vikings stood tall in the ring, pointing to the sky. I don’t know if they found Valhalla on this evening, though it’s just a few minutes away from the arena in another part of Westchester.
And now we turn to the main event of the evening. The Universal Circuit Championship is set to be defended by THASH Ogawa. However, we never received advance notice of who his opponent was going to be. THRASH comes down first in his ring gear, holding a microphone. Hopefully he’ll clear this mystery up.
[THRASH:] “I’m gonna keep it short this time since I actually got what I wanted earlier. *grins*. So let’s get down to real business. I’m making an open challenge to the back. First one out is the one to claim it. I don’t care who you are as long as you want to fight.”
A few minutes pass by without anyone coming through the curtain to claim this Title shot and it’s likely due to a locker room brawl. I can only imagine a melee forming in the back. I doubt everyone is as unified now as they were at the start of the show.
Suddenly “Wicked Child” plays on the house speakers and Jakob of Furis stalks his way down to ringside. The fans chant “holy shit” and no one imagined we’d get an encounter like this. Two of the toughest and most violent men ever to shed blood on a UBL ring apron are about to do battle. Furis is never one to back down but tonight he seems to have an extra sense of purpose as he stares down THRASH. To his credit, THRASH is practically gleeful by his usual measure. He looks like a kid on Christmas morning. THRASH looks happier right now than at any time at the start of the show. The ability to have battles against strong opponents like this is what he lives for. For a man who loves to get his hands dirty, there is a purity in his purpose. It’s clear that he will literally fight for what he believes in when what he believes in is fighting. The fans support for him seems to be growing as a result.
I honestly have no idea how this match will play out. Furis is arguably the fiercest warrior that THRASH has ever faced in a full match. (That honor would have gone to William King, but their match was ended right after it begun). And THRASH may be the most aggressive fighter that Furis has ever done battle with. I’ve never seen THRASH show the slightest bit of fear. I’ve also never seen Furis give up any ground, even against wrestlers with superior skills. This is going to be a donnybrook! Adding to this potential powder keg is a peculiar narrative that everyone seems unaware of other than Furis. As Eiji Yoshida shows Furis the Universal Circuit Championship belt that he’s fighting for, Furis takes it and throws it on the ground. Then he points to THRASH with a look of unbridled malice. I get that Furis is perennially angry but is there a personal reason that he stepped up for this open challenge? If so, THRASH seems completely unaware of it. However, he doesn’t seem angry at all at the disrespectful and threatening gestures. Rather, THRASH smiles and just mouths: “bring it on.” Let’s get to a match that may get so bloody that it could very well lead to another hiatus.
Universal Circuit Championship
Match 4: Jakob of Furis vs. THRASH Ogawa (c)
*POST MATCH SPOILERS*
The “THRASH CLASH” Neck Hanging Bomb officially ended the match, but I think most people agreed that Ogawa’s brutal headbutt is really what sealed the deal. The “oooohs” from the audience certainly reflected that awareness. Furis was able to kick out of that headbutt out of raw instinct. But I’ve never seen him take his time like that outside the ring regaining his composure. And he seemed to have no answer or strategy upon his return. To his credit though (and it’s hard for me to give him any), Furis fought … what’s an undead synonym of “valiantly?” Infernally? He clearly had a fang to pick with Ogawa, and THRASH’s bloody face is a testament to that. Furis also earned a few near falls, but it just wasn’t enough to extinguish the fire of competition that is burning withing THRASH right now.
Jakob of Furis (X) ["THRASH CLASH" - 15:05 ] (O) THRASH Ogawa
I think we’re seeing another first here as Jakob of Furis appears knocked out on his feet. After the bell rung (and not just the one inside Jakob’s head), he kept trying to fight but collapsed. He’s holding his head in agony, likely from that vicious headbutt delivered by THRASH. Furis curses THRASH right before falling unconscious. The medics rush to the ring, then slow down a little when they realize who they are attending to, but eventually help Furis out. I really hope he doesn’t have a concussion again. I simply don’t have the patience to see the next level of vampire he wants to devolve to. Nosfurisatu?
Meanwhile, THRASH holds up his successfully defended Universal Circuit Championship belt. While one would expect to see a smile on his face, instead we see a look of hunger. It looks like he just got a small taste of what he has wanted for the past two years, and he craves more. I can’t recall any one wrestler in UBL history who made out so successfully in one event yet left looking barely satiated. THRASH won’t rest until he’s fought everyone on the roster and beyond.
As for us, we’ve had enough resting lately. This isn’t a summer vacation for us. In the next few weeks, the Basic Training roster will bring you “Summer School” and the Continuum tour will continue with its fourth show. OG-Joshi will rise like a phoenix as their "After School Fun Special" Tour” starts this summer too. So sit back, stay hydrated, and remember to picnic responsibly.